Tyranny: Onwards

Chapter 116- Exploration

"Well, you better not be lying to me then," Phoenix lets go of my shoulders and breaks his intense eye contact with me, but still this does not clarify whether he does or doesn't know of my lies.

"Did Genesis not come still?" I glance about in hope but my heart gives a pang when I find she is nowhere in sight.

"No, not that I know of anyways, sorry." Phoenix seems slightly confused.

"It's not your fault," the words are quiet as I mutter them under my breath before following him on still towards the ridge we just fell from.

Again I want to deny Rin, but I also want Rin to keep trying to earn my trust, it makes no sense at all to want her to be close but to push her away still, to want her to pry, but be annoyed when she does. It's like whatever I want or need, I want the opposite, I have no idea how to fix this situation or if there is a right or wrong even. Maybe I should wait and see where life leads me? But I can't just let the water continuously simmer forever, maybe I need to do something about it?

My mind is too complex and con-fuddled even for myself. The question is, what should I do? How can I just pull her aside and spill my entire mind like that?

She is the first Human to know of my past and brother, but that's only because Phoenix saw straight through me and I felt I couldn't deceive him knowing he would be so aware of it. When I first met him he had this openness like you could tell him anything at all and he was like a ghost, walking right through your walls without tearing them down first. At first I hated that feeling and it scared the shit out of me to know someone near me had such a capability, but honestly, it seems that he hasn't done that since that day.

After I told them both I felt sick to my stomach in regret and mixed annoyance and frustration. I've always wanted to tell someone, but I never was willing to do it unless they were so loyal they kept pressuring me and just somehow knew, even though I completely understood it was unreasonable to expect one to just know what to ask and how to pry.

But I see no point in just coming from nowhere with a whole fricken life story, I'd rather know them first and they gradually learn bits and pieces at a time instead. Of course that depends wholly on me tearing down my own walls first, which I believe to be one of the hardest things to do.

This is when Blaze drapes my thoughts, his mental journey, the walk before him is long and probably more difficult in many ways. Not probably, it will be harder, he's missing a piece of himself. I can only imagine, put myself completely in his shoes the best I can. However, I am not naive enough to think that I can understand or know just from empathy like that, but it's all I can do so might as well.

Honestly, I want someone to know about my past and pains, knowing no one in the world could ever fully understand or comprehend, because it is simply impossible; for every mind works differently, thus it cannot be that you can be fully understood. On the other hand, I don't want anyone to know, I don't want them judging me off my past or leaving me behind because of it. I'm scared they'll judge me and leave me when they hear it, no matter how loyal I know them to be, it's a fear that comes with being Human.

Another thing is, I don't want to be defined by my past, I don't want others to always remember and think about my entire past every time they see me, I don't want them to see it as a defining fact.

Thinking about all of this now helps me realize that all these complications are plainly built upon fear. Thus, I need to be strong and brave, overcome it, then the rest will come much smoother, but the process will be like a ragged, jagged, rock anew in a river gradually being worn and smoothed.

As we go on I admire the tall quiet trees and their peace, not being able to help but float into abstract thought, how just maybe they have a hidden strength I am unable to see until I feel the need to ask Phoenix about something.

 "Can I ask you something?" I speed up a bit and take time to relish the sweet lush mosses underfoot, carpeting the entire ground besides where plants and trees sit filled with a pure refreshing, light, life.

"Hm?" Phoenix peers over his shoulder at me seemingly slightly taken aback "Of course," he gives me a comforting and strictly kind smile that warms my heart in a way.

Before asking I come to his side, "How do you feel about me, Rin, and Hester being Humans? How can you trust us so easily after what our race did to the Luzumi?" my voice is somewhat hesitant and cautious, hoping to not be touching a nerve or sensitive topic.

"Uh, hm, well..." he gazes up at the branches of trees and holds his chin in one hand in thought. "At first I honestly didn't even consider it, when I saw Rin was likely going to get hurt I just kinda went. I'm certainly never about to let any life be stolen for such a thing like that. Besides, to me that was in the past, it wasn't your fault, you've been nothing but kind and helpful to us all, very respectful of our beliefs, you've even shown an interest and strive to learn more about our beliefs, values, and overall culture. That's huge for me anyways. Some of the others will be wary for a bit, some longer than others, of you because they have troubles just going in, laying their hearts out, especially knowing what happened and how it hurt our entire race last time."

"However it certainly doesn't take us as long to trust as it does Humans. We believe that it's better to trust than to hide it all away, it creates more community and tighter bonds, thus is how we are all so close as a race and whatnot."