Tyranny: Onwards

Chapter 125- Overall

When I feel far enough away from the others I sit on the mosses, not even wanting the company of Genesis. She must have known this as she is not here with me now and the others have stopped calling out for me to return.

My heart pounds hard against my ribs and lungs, becoming physically painful. I breath in deeply, hold it, release it, over and over until I am breathing regularly now; despite the rapid pace of my heart still.

I sit and slump against the comforting trunk of a tree to rest my weary mind, noticing my vocal cords hurt, stinging and throbbing. In an instant my mind goes insane, wondering if I murdered while I was asleep, that Phoenix was my imagination, running cautious fingers over my face. I don't want to feel the sticky blood but must know, the dread pools in my fingertips and tingles in my feet.

No blood, however, my palms leak scarlet rivers from my nails and my hands are very stiff. Uncontrollably my body shivers and shakes, I bring my knees up and bury my face in my hands to find some peace. Listen to the sounds of the Earth, calm down, it's over, you aren't there. 

Birds sing wise tunes and the winds have calmed now, the hail has stopped and I do not remember falling asleep at all. The songs only remind me that I prevented many from ever hearing this or anything again, that they can never see this or any other beauty because of me, that I burned awful and cruel grief into hearts I'll likely never meet.

That war was later named 'The Heart War', though many call it 'The War Heart', 'The Heart of War' and other similar variations or 'The Art of War'. These are just a few but it is a well known war now in books, though thankfully I have not had to survive a class learning about it.

All the memories crash around me with great noise and disturb me. I took so many lives, and I had no right to, how come I am allowed to? Why can I? Why must I? It's selfish but can I also tell myself it was necessary without guilt? No I can't. Because I did it because otherwise they would have killed me, those in the Rich Ring, they knew I would kill them all. That's why they sent me.

But this also means they sent all those with me to die, using lives as pawns, lives just as sacred and precious as mine for no reason at all. Why? And why didn't I do anything to prevent it, or to stop them and go alone, why did I allow the entire thing to even happen? We were the ones attacking them, I should have refused. But maybe I didn't know enough, maybe I didn't realize until later that the others were all mere pawns.

Those lives are never returning. They are gone. Because of me. It was not that if I didn't fight they would kill those we defended, it was quite the opposite.

What am I supposed to do? It's not as though one right obliterates one wrong, it doesn't work like that. Fuck me, I wish I was back in a false relationship with that guy, the one I've forgotten the name of, at a party, night fallen outside, alcohol in my system, unable to stop smiling, feeling I can not bear the smile whole. Pure joy, forgotten past, makes me feel so free an full.

No, that's not what I want, I don't want to lose myself in it, I want to stay here, down to Earth, no matter the struggle, I cannot run from or ignore all I have done, I must take full responsibility. These feelings, what do I do with them? Hold them forever? How do I bear it all?

I can't just, let it all go. This ache and this pain. Suddenly I remember all the nightmares, the ones where I held Rin in my lap, as the life slipped away, seeped out so vibrant, when I was unable to prevent her being killed yet knew it was my fault, watched her be ripped to shreds and I could not do anything at all!

An ache radiates, pains me so much. How helpless I am, how I watch her burn alive, recalling the numerous times I could tell she wasn't telling me things, not trusting me, and it broke me inside. I don't want to force her to trust me, I don't want to make her feel bad for it, but I cannot deny it is so agonizing for me. I am used to being able to literally kill the enemy and protect people from the harm, but this, this is so painful.

Get over yourself, this is so fricken selfish, attempting to clear my mind, I shake my head. If they all knew of my entire past, would they stay? Of course not. No one ever has. So is their care false? Is it selfish for me to think this, to judge them as such without evidence? Yes, yes it is.

The tears have dried on my face, now I feel so dull and numb, trying hard to recognize all I have to be thankful for, trying to let it force a smile on my face. Do I deserve to smile? Yes, I know that at least.

All of this has worn me out completely, so I slump over onto my side, relishing the sweet mosses and then am terrified or sleep, yet so desperately need it.

"UHG! I'm so fucking frustrated! What am I supposed to do!?" I yell out in my anguish and conflict. Unable to resist, sleep drags at me and takes me away from my hell, the hell in my head, to perhaps only be greeted by another hell in my head. No more comfort, no more peace. How do I deal with this? Mope or overcome? Mope is easier, but I know, weary as I am, I must continue to climb if I plan to save the currently living.