Tyranny: Onwards

Chapter 142- Gone?

I sit next to the collapsed Rin and disturbed Genesis, who has her ears folded back as though wanting to wipe it all away. Tears come silver and glittering down Rins cheeks, right here and now I want to break apart and cry, allowing the cool tears to streak harmless down my face so gentle and tender, wanting to lean into Genesis and feel as my tears soak into her fur. Then Rin stands all too abruptly and turns her back on me.

Everything I did, it was for her, to keep her safe, just so I could repay her, so I could perhaps hold her like I used too one last time. I did it because she is my sister and I must always protect her because I can't imagine life without her presence. Genesis dips her head and puts it under my hand in begging for a pat, but it feels...different...like she's getting ready to be here for me.

"Claire...how could you do that...how can you do that and not shed a tear...how could you...how can you kill and not cry!" her tone and voice raise to a solidity I fear. Her form looms, lined and decorated sharply with silver. Those eyes that brought me comfort now stare wide and cracked into me, stabbing me with the shards...the shards I made...

"What," I whisper, not knowing what else to say as Rin turns completely on me and starts to walk away and takes the staff Hester once held so dear at her side.

"You killed her, and I loved her, and you knew it." Rins voice is unwavering and cold.

"I...she...she was going to kill us..." my voice is raspy and harsh.

"You didn't know her, she would never hurt me...never...she hurt when she left..." Rin has clearly been blinded in a way, perhaps she has been truly traumatized by everything she saw.

"Rin..." is there any sense in trying to reason with her? Would she ever listen, would it make everything worse?

"No. You don't get to talk to me after you killed the one I loved. You fucking monster." she whips her head to the side and the glint of her eyes slice my heart and hope.

My sister and friend leaves, staff in hand, leaving me alone to thought. What the hell am I supposed to do? I've lost her. I've...lost...her. No no no, it just, it can't be, it simply cannot..right? Tears hold back and my heart feels awful, a stone in my gut, a rope around my neck, my eyes so dull. No...no...no, it repeats over and over in my head.

Right now, I am more than glad to have been left alone, even by the one person I swore I'd never watch leave, the one I thought I'd never see walk away. I thought she would stay, she said no matter what...but...I was foolish. I was stupid. I should have remembered that such words always come with conditions. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You are a fucking idiot! How will I go on, what will I do now, ugh, you fucking idiot!...NO! Don't close your eyes, you know what you will see, you know you will feel insane, you know why she left, you know it's your fault, you know you deserve it, you know it, accept it. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. And there's nothing you can do about it now. You screwed it up. You should leave and go on by yourself. Leave. They probably don't need or even want you with them, you are the reason for everything. If you try to deny it, then you're even worse than you thought. You idiot.

I know I know, I'm an idiot, I know. I get it. I know. Just, be quiet for a minute, I need silence. I need to think about this, decide if I should leave. 

Wouldn't that make you just like Hester then?

No, because Rin doesn't care about me anymore, so it wouldn't matter. Plus the others can act fake just like I can so who knows who's actually real and who we actually know.

I need to keep going, I can't just sit here. Do I deserve a break though, to rest, to heal? I think not. So I embrace Genesis tightly, burying my face into her warm comfort and smelling her fur, the scent mimicking that of the surrounding flowers. What the fuck am I even doing? It would be a million times easier to just, give up, to let my eye stay dull, to let my mind collect dust, to just exist here, lay here, to slowly decay, knowing I've cut all ties.

No. Just stop thinking for a minute, just process. Genesis remains steady and firm in my embrace, the only source of comfort, though I know I do not rightfully deserve it. I just want to be alone. Not in a self-pity way, but so that I can find and make peace of the chaos that is currently my mind. I just want to be alone.

Right now I can't let myself cry in case someone happens to come and then they would see me breaking apart, I could never put so much at risk or be so vulnerable especially considering all that just happened. I wish the world would just disappear. I don't want to die and I don't want it all to be destroyed, I just want to all be gone until I'm ready to return, to sit alone in an empty grey until I feel ready to return so I can rest.

How do I find my way back without any light or any path? I've always done everything alone, so why now do I feel so lost and empty all of a sudden? Maybe because I've been left in the dark, because I got so used to that one rustic and special lantern in my hand, that I forgot what being in the dark alone was like. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I hide as everything falls around me?