Tyranny: Onwards

Chapter 154- Our Past is a Part of Us but isn't Who We Are

Yelmetes weave below me and jab towards me continuously so I grasp onto my concentration as the anger drives me down with gravity. A few fangs slash and just miss my flesh and all I worry about is deflecting them. How could I have been so selfish, how could I bring Genesis so carelessly amoung such danger and left her on the ground helpless? How could I have been so selfish and stupid? The grief I would have if I lost her...no...I can't even imagine it.

When my eyes thankfully absorb her form relief and animosity rush over me. All my hatred is newly felt and newly redirected towards the Yelmetes for trying to harm the only one I have, the only one who has always followed me into reckless peril and faced death with me, the only one who has seen every side of me, the deepest and darkest there is and hasn't left. She is the glue of my pieces because she loves me endlessly and follows me into every unknown without hesitation or question.

"Genesis!" I land and embrace her before tossing her with tears in my eyes through the shield to keep her safe for now and command her sternly to stay, in the tone she knows never to ignore or break be my life in danger. She understands why. She understands it would put me in more harm should she come and try to rescue me, that it would distract me to know she might come back.

This is when I see some Swift Foxes, Caribou, and other creatures gathering to care for her and some come out into the danger too but return to safety when Genesis barks at them. How is it they understand now too?

No. Focus.

Still, I cannot leave. This danger is what I've longed for, to throw myself into, to run away from real life with this battle, this battle that makes my inner minds chaos more tangible and easier to slash. Somehow it's like this is how I can actually tackle my inner struggles.

I launch myself up high from those of the ground but they have become weary and some stay up high, ready for me. My blade lights up blue slightly and becomes light as ever while I stick it into the hard flesh and slide down again. When my one foot hits the ground, I pivot and push off, my other foot reached back to propel me forwards again and slash the back of a neck.

Now, however, I find myself trapped by them all, surrounded as they fill the sky with tall forms and swarm the ground to enclose me. Of course, the adrenaline is loud but I am used to the thought 'I am going to die' and swiftly accepting it just in case.

There is a sliver where I can either get out or become trapped and eaten, torn apart so I dive towards it and squeeze myself but don't make it. Now I fend them all off alone best I can, gashes stinging. Hissing and slithering overcomes the adrenalin and the gold glint of fangs, the sight of them as long dark shadows surrounding me.

Damn it. I forgot of the poison held in their fangs.

Then I see that something is disrupting them and antlers burst through. Without any more thought, I bounce out and away. My ankle twists amongst the carelessness as I try to scramble to safety. Many hooved feet are about me and a few bite my clothes and trot me over to safety without a single casualty. Genesis approaches me and licks me to bits and pieces.

"Are you hurt?" I inspect her immediately, her yelp ringing still in my mind. All I can differentiate is a slight limp in her hind leg, hopefully, nothing too major.

"Claire!" A voice seemingly a ways off yells, and I can hear them approaching hastily, "You," Whoever is it is getting a lot closer and faster than anticipated, "fucking," one more second and I can see it's Phoneix, "IDIOT!" He screams, tackling me angrily, tears of concern and worry silver threads on his face. "How could you do that!?" He lightly hits me until Genesis bowls him over and allows him to sob on the ground.

Looking off as I stand, no one else seems to be coming, for now, Phoenix lets his torch fall and I grab it quickly, having left mine elsewhere. Some of the gashes begin to sting and my ability to stand fades. Frantically, I force the kneel to seem natural until Pheonix forces me to lay on my back swiftly with his strong hands.

"YOU, FUCKING, IDIOT, YOU IDIOT! CLAIRE! HOW COULD YOU!" Phoenix kneels next to me and the honey warmth floods through me. "Shit shit shit!" He whispers harshly to himself, rushing and frantic. The shock continues to roll through me as my mind processes. "Idiot!" Phoenix continues to mutter to himself. "Fucking hell..."

I lay there terrified that somehow he will see into my mind, the deepest trenches and ravines of it as he has before, Kol still in my hand leads my mind to the complete paranoia it will overtake me and force me to kill Phoenix, horrifying me. More than anything I dread the sense of losing control over myself like I did before, detached from my own mind, the feeling of hopelessness. And of course, I've never explained this all to anyone before.

"Claire," surely there's no reason for his tears to thicken as such. "You do know you don't need to do everything so alone. I know it's cliche and I know it's better for you sometimes and all that, but, if not me, let someone, anyone in. Please. Stop making me worry about you so, stop ignoring your value and impact. Stop being so reckless and careless with yourself. Yes, okay, you killed Hester, but I think you would be worse off having let Rin die needlessly. You did the right thing! She wasn't Human, she was possessed by some mutant creature. Get over yourself already, stop blaming yourself, stop it! Stop letting the past define you and your future, it's what makes you but it isn't who you are." He manages to spill it all between deep sobs.

"It's not that simple you know. I can't tell people things, I just feel awkward and stupid like it could waste their time they could use to feel happy. I don't like that my past is coming back to me, I keep trying to throw it away! No one is congratulating me just for somehow surviving, are they? No one knows the battles I go through!" I inform him, infuriated.

"How could they! You aren't telling anyone anything. You know, we have all studied Human anatomy and psychology." his sigh is long and wavering.

"So?" I don't mean to sound rude or sassy.

"Explain to me how your past is 'following' you, I can help." he now sits crosslegged and so do I, feeling much better about my wounds.

"Well...why...they just..." I pause having to apply extreme force to get the words out. Do it without thinking first. "Sometimes I can't tell if the pounding sounds are the adrenaline or real danger, the flashbacks take over and possess me, they cause me to be a danger, they come and go all day, sometimes lingering all week. Episodes of fear and inability to breath, hands wanting to cover my ears but then feeling more scared unable to hear. I can't tell reality from made up. I-I can't really explain it." It all spills out hesitantly. "I spent time dwelling on it and I dealt with it all yet all the terrifying moments stick, but they don't with other people, why is that? Am I that much weaker?" I search for what must be fantasy answers.

"No, it means you perhaps have more empathy, empathy for those you hurt and got hurt, or that others did forced treachery upon you." He inputs gently.

"It's eating away at me and it takes so much strength to get up and keep going. I can't really..I feel so 'different' in a bad way, not a unique way like I am 'damaged goods' no one could want kind of way. No longer do I feel the rush the of endorphins ever either."