Letters To Elliot -horan //COMPLETED AND EDITING//

29-06-14

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Dear Elliot,

i was supposed to see tanya today but niall came over with packs and a song that reminded him of  me.

i told him how it reminded me of how i waited for him the other day and he apologized. i didn't mean to make him feel bad, i just wanted something to say to him, so he would reply and keep on talking.

God, i wish you could hear his voice

i told him how the song was i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys and he laughed because ironically, his was do i wanna know?

i asked if arctic monkeys could be our band.

he asked if writing letters could be our thing.

we had just established that there was an ''our''

we listened to the song, finding little excuses to touch each other and steal glances between the exhaled smoke.

as the last chorus came on, niall had thrown his cigarette on the grass, took mind and did the same.

i froze, wondering why he was coming closer, not that i minded. in fact i quite enjoyed the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

do you want me crawling back to you? 

he had leaned into my and kissed me. no elliot, not a tiny peck on the lips, a full on movie kiss, something every girl must experience, something that could challenge the new years day fireworks.

we kissed until our lungs felt dead and still, we tried and tried, so hard not to stop.

air wasn't important,

the world didn't exist

i wasn't labeled as insane

he wasn't too good for me

but then, everything has its end doesn't it?

after our lips had felt numb, we pulled apart, laying on the daises in silence, twirling each others fingers

i asked him why he liked me, a mess. why he could kiss a creature with absolutely no power of relevance onto the world? who could not help build it, but contributed to is destruction, who contradicted every thing he stood for, happiness, beauty.. hope.

he said i shouldn't tell somebody they re wrong until ive seen things from their point of view

i told him i was sorry for not being an easy person for him to be with.

I'm starting to need him ell, and everyone leaves when i need them. I know that i will need him to be my living, breathing, screaming invitation... to believe in better things.

what hurts is that, he wont need me the same way, he is his own and i have no significant representation in his life other than the girl with ocean hair and dying lungs that he decided to kiss.

and ell, ive gone so long afraid to loose something i need, i refuse to need anything.

he told me that maybe he liked me, all of me, even the difficult parts, just maybe.

i didn't tell him about how every time i see him, i fall deeper in his black hole with my black heart forward, waiting to hit the ground and shatter first.

i should have, but then maybe he would not have kissed me again.

and i couldn't live with that.

-Cass