Letters To Elliot -horan //COMPLETED AND EDITING//

12-08-14

Dear Elliot, 

everything has been going so fast, too fast for me to breathe and its taking its toll on me.

i saw tanya the other day and she told me it was miraculous how fast i was getting better.

why didn't i feel better though?

i know you must be confused, im trying to understand this as much as i can for you, i promise but ive been having off days. one day im smiling, the other im so close to packing my bags and i just don't know how to deal with it.

       but that's not it.

she said i didn't have to write to you again, she even offered to throw you in the fire place to celebrate the burning of my past.

how dare she say that.

how dare she tell me i didn't need you.

how dare she plan your murder out of celebration.

i couldn't handle it elliot, i tried, i honestly did but i couldn't. 

i threw a tantrum and flipped her table.

i know i said i was warming up to the idea of slowly slipping away from you but to hear it made official...

i couldn't handle it

i fell unto the broken glass with anger drenched by my flooding tears and her horrified gaze.

i wasn't getting better. i wasn't anywhere near better.

she asked me to get out and return when ive calmed down.

walking out of there was like doing the walk of shame.

i passed so many of her patients, all staring at me, some with amusement others with pity. 

they knew what happened, even the daft could piece together the blood and glass decorating my limbs.

and if that wasn't enough for them, the tears finished it.

i sat by the bench outside to call niall.

he had promised to pick me up to see how things were going and my heart ripped itself on the thought of his disappointment.

but he didn't answer. 

all 231 times.

i couldn't walk home with my burning legs, i couldn't even stand.

so i was left there.

waiting and waiting and waiting.

hoping he sees my calls and remembers.

he must have dropped his phone and went to the store, or went to the gy.m

he will call back soon, i know it.

i sat there until tanya closed up, which happened to be eight thirty, nine hours since i had limped away from her office.

i thought she would have run away, not give me a second look.

but she didn't.

i told her niall was coming, he was just a couple hours late but she would allow me stay there.

i asked her to at least take me to his place and she disagreed telling me the only place i needed to be right now was with mum.

seeing her for the first time in so long must have been the most painful thing ever. 

i missed her hugs.

i missed her consoling smiles

i missed everything she was and everything she did.

she cried and told me she loved me.

i cried and told her i loved her.

she said she had to take me to the hospital and i told her i didn't mind as long as she held my hand

which she did.

and if you are  wondering, niall still hasn't called back.

-Cass