Letters To Elliot -horan //COMPLETED AND EDITING//

30-08-14

please listen to No1 party anthem as you read this ( on the side as well)

Dear Elliot,

i had my polariods scattered all over floor, each drenched in a tear.

maybe it was all an illusion,

maybe it was something i created to experience the infamous happiness.

or maybe it was so i could see how much the world actually hurts.

i would have believed this if it wasn't for the aching pain.

it was more than i could have ever imagined,

it was the only reminder he was real.

im sorry i developed a need for him when he wasnt mine to need.

im sorry for letting him fill up every whole in my heart and take over every living cell.

im sorry for letting him rip that off with him but who knew emptiness could be so heavy

tanya had told me that love was a way of survival and im sorry for letting me fall for him instead of giving it all to you.

but i wish i could give my lungs for you to breathe so you could experience the happiness that had forced  us apart.

he dropped by today and ringed the doorbell.

i counted.

232 times.

im not sure if he was trying to use it to make up for my calls-

and lost count

or

wanted to make up one extra.

but whatever didnt matter, at least i wont let it.

mum came home an hour later and found him on the porch, i would know because i spent that hour starting at him from the window in the attic.

she told he he was still outside.

i told her i didnt want to see him

she told me he guessed so and left a letter for me.

cass,

i meant it when i said 'i fucking love you'

and i still do.

im sorry im too messed up to realize everything that is good for me.

i honestly am

im sorry i let you down

i know you want me to stop saying sorry

i just want to let you know how much i am

and i saw your letter..

and it brings me to my greatest apology

im sorry for the pain i've cost you, i should have never asked for that cigarette.

 -Niall

i stared out the window and saw him sitting there with with No1 Party Anthem playing.

i didnt loose it earlier, im loosing it now.

the tears flew down my face like they were racing, i pounded the glass, i pounded it until i felt it on the edge of breaking and slid on the floor.

i just keep making mistakes, elliot, i just keep making a lot of them.

i cant breathe elliot, i dont want to breathe but my lungs keep defying me, they keep scratching my throat open. elliot i dont want to be here anymore, this place and tearing my soul, he is tearing my soul.

i reached beside me and wrote behind his letter-

i dont remember last time it hurts so much to breath 

like there's a fucking dagger in my chest where my heart should be

i hate this constant feeling that im bursting into flames 

and then wind storms in and scatters my ashes over the remains of us

how is it possible i can feel everything and nothing at once

am i dead inside or just torn up over you

i dont know what to do

i dont know what im doing

i dont know anything anymore

all i know is i dont have much time left

and im fading away

and every knows im going insane

im not okay

nothing is okay

everything is going wrong

and 

and 

and i cant breathe again

i cant breathe

I CANT BREATHE

i threw the letter out the window and watched it land beside him in his 10th hour before hiding in the bathroom and secretly wishing he would burst in like he did before.

where are my fucking ciggarettes

-Cass    

ill edit it over soon