Letters To Elliot -horan //COMPLETED AND EDITING//

28-08-14

Dear Elliot,

emptiness.

it is one of the worst feelings known to humans. because you just feel nothing. not anything at all. and that's even worse than feeling bad, sad or shattered. its just so much better to feel.

 and it has began to haunt me.

after being given up on by every person you have met; you find comfort in giving up on yourself.

which i have.

isn't it heartbreaking how easily you can dedicate your life to destroying yourself.

i decided i had nothing left to loose and wrote niall my last letter.

 its about 4:37 am right now

and i woke up with a pain in my chest

and i cant tell if its heart burn

or the pain coming back

but i don't know which one hurts more

i went to deliver is straight to his house. i planned on dropping it through the door but i had to go inside, im sorry if i disappointed you elliot but i had to.

im afraid to tell you it wasn't mainly  for the practical reasons like pick up my stuff but to get one last taste of everything we used to have. 

everything we used to be.

i left the note in the his fridge, in the section, on his large pack of bacon, he usually kept what he was having for breakfast the next  day.

i found my way towards our old room.

but the bed was empty.

a apart of me was relieved while the other part cried for him.

i picked up my polariods and my bag that held everything i had when i stayed here because i told niall i didn't want any closet space, or to be any more of an inconvenience.

that's when i heard the door unlock, elliot. 

i tried picking up my stuff as fast as possible but it wasn't enough...

niall stumbled in with a girl.

that's when i felt something

i felt whatever was left of my heart, break into another million pieces.

then harry walked in and slid his arm around her but this still didn't patch anything up, the sight of him was enough to keep it that way.

''niall, you see, i told you she isn't gone'' harry spoke up, still clinging onto the beautiful girl. 

harry asked if i remembered him and i said yes and he said he was surprised he did considering how much weed they had gone through.

he introduced the girl as hannah and she smiled at me.

i tried to smile back. 

i tried to make it as alive as hers

but i was too torn

niall pushed harry and his girlfriend out the room and they said they were going to mcdonalds to make out.

i envied the simplicity of their relationship.

a lot.

i told him he was high

he said yes

he asked how ive been

i didn't answer

i made my way tot he door, hoping that i would not only leave the room behind but everything behind as well

but then he pulled me back

im going to write the whole conversation because there is no way i could sum this up  without missing anything and you need to know everything

''im sorry'' he said

''no you're not''

''i am''

''why haven't you called?'

''I was looking for the words but can't find it anywhere, on the tip of my tongue but i cant deliver it properly and if weren't this dark you would see how red my face has gone''

''dont''

to hear his quote arctic monkeys was too much to handle. 

they were a representation of us and to hear them only reminds me of how nothing will ever be as good as they have been

''IM SORRY''he screamed

''I SAID NO YOU AREN'T, OKAY''

''I DON'T LIE''

''THEN WHY DID I SIT THERE WITH GLASS AND BLOOD ALL OVER MY LEG FOR NINE HOURS''

   ''what?''

''maybe if you picked up-''

''im sorry im really sorry im sorry im so fucking sorry''

''STOP'' i screamed 

''im sorry im sorry''

''I SAID FUCKING STOP''

i threw phone at the wall but he still looked more broken than it

''I CANT CASS''

''IM LEAVING''

''NO''

''BYE NIALL''

''I FUCKING LOVE YOU CASS''

my body froze and  the only thing my mind could fathom as a thought was that i still cared but i knew that i was done showing it.

''goodbye niall''

dedicated to the mini bar of dark chocolate kit kat that helped me finish this, i couldn't have done it without you bby

or hannah who plays harry's girlfriend hannah

and the two songs referenced here are -

you probably couldn't see for the lights but you were staring right at me by arctic monkeys

no buses by arctic monkeys

 btw

i cried