Letters To Elliot -horan //COMPLETED AND EDITING//

5-09-14

Dear Elliot,

i spoke to harry today, well spoke is a bit too breezy for this.

he had just had a fight with hannah, needed something to smoke and assumed niall was always with me. i had to explain to him that he wasted his time and the only drugs i had were nicotine.

he said it just had to do.

it was weird, smoking with someone that wasn't niall. it was something we did together, something that made us. 

a tear rolled down my cheek, no matter how hard i squinted revealing my vulnerability that was probably never masked. 

im trying elliot, i really am. i have spent these past few months with him, leaving everything behind and now... everything has left me.

harry told me hannah had said i love you and he just wasn't sure. he knew he would risk everything for her, give her everything and be whatever she wanted him to be but he just didnt know if that was what was referred to as love. he had never said i love you before and he knew she was the one he would give it all to... but he just wasn't sure.

this puzzled me, elliot. not in the way i don't understand how a person could think like this but in the way that he was over-thinking it so much, he didn't realize everything had spilt from his lips. i asked him if he could imagine a life without her. he said no.

and there it was.

he loved her. 

and i admittedly loved niall.

the silence that overtook us was filled by our wondering thoughts and almost finished pack.

''do you like breathing?'' i asked him. 

''breathing means you're alive. doesn't it?''

''yeah.'' i smiled at him. the type of smile that couldn't push itself to even reach my cheeks. '' do you like being alive?''

''to me its not a matter of liking, its a privilege.''

''oh.''

''Cass?''

''yes?i just- i stare at my reflection on every possible surface as if to check i am still alive, moment by moment, continuing to exist purposelessly without him.''

''stay close to anything that makes you glad you're alive.''

he said he had to go and i wished him good luck with hannah, they belonged together. 

just like me an niall.

now, im not sure how you will react to this but i wrote a letter to niall and put it in that part of his fridge again, this time it was empty so he might see it tonight and probably will be as excited as i am but as long as he knows that i cant, and refuse to, live without him.

Niall,

its been so long since ive written a letter to you with a positive ring, a hope for future, a hope for us.

im an idiot who expected an apology from the world 

one i knew i wasn't going to get

but constantly refused one from you

not realizing i got it

you were my world

a world i happen to love with every fibre of my being 

and every burn of intensity possible 

i will be waiting at euro tunnel with two tickets to mullingar for both of us.

you had always told me you wanted to go back home 

and see everything you left behind

i want to walk 

a new city

eat pizza

for breakfast

and sleep

by your side 

everyday

because

 complete happiness

does not exist

but hides

in little things

i hope you dont mind me quoting axel marazzi

but he stole my words

so it seemed right to steal them back

i hope you come 

because

 i want you to want me this way

and i need you to need me to stay   

   cass

elliot it's happening.

-Cass

 ill edit it later today but only one more chapter left whAT 

i mean there's the epilogue and the last letter but we've come so far, thank you for bearing with my terrible update schedule and my unnecessary author's notes. i love you.