Love Thy Neighbor

Chapter 60

For the fourth month in a row, my period has arrived like clockwork.

Shawn and I are giving it our best shot (or rather his best shot) but I can't seem to get pregnant.

To say I am down about this is a bit of an understatement. Aside from the fact that I obviously want to get pregnant and have a baby, there are also logistical problems. Shawn's album is coming out in a few months, which is not an issue. The problem is that he starts touring at towards the end of the year. At this point, even if I were to get pregnant next cycle, we're looking at a due date that coincides with the tour. I don't really want to go into labor while he's in Spain or Germany.

"My family comes first," Shawn says after I've given him the bad news about getting my period over breakfast. "If need be, we reschedule part of the tour. It's not the end of the world."

"Maybe we should stop trying for a while," I say glumly. "We can time it so we try again with a projected due date that falls after the tour is over."

"That sounds great in theory, but we want to have a baby and I know neither of us wants to push it back that far."

All of this is compounded by the fact that I have Perri's baby shower to go to this afternoon. Her best friends are throwing it at a fancy tea room in upper Manhattan. I love Perri and am so excited for her and David, but every time I see her huge belly I am struck with such horrible envy.

"I feel so stupid for thinking we'd get pregnant quickly," I say. "I guess I assumed that since I got pregnant with birth control before, it would be easy without it."

"It will all work out," Shawn says, holding my hand. "Just wait and see."

The baby shower is fun and it actually leaves me feeling upbeat. Shawn is right. It will work out.

Three months later, I am still not pregnant. Shawn has the number one single in the U.S. (and sixteen other countries) so we have a lot to celebrate. His musical success takes our minds of the baby making failure.

Lila is now 2 1/2. She can talk up a storm (which she does, constantly), loves to sing, hates potty-training, and is quite good at calculus. Okay so maybe the last thing is not true, but she can count and do simple addition.

The biggest thing in her life is her new baby brother, Ethan. She refers to him as her baby. She loves spending time with her daddy and Perri because it means time with her baby. She has no idea we'd like to have one of our own, but it's good to know that when it happens, she will be a wonderful big sister.

After months of reading about secondary infertility online, I decide that we should see a specialist. While Marian watches Lila, Shawn and I go to a fertility doctor.

"Mr. and Mrs. Mendes, what you are experiencing is not that uncommon," Dr. Woods explains calmly. "It often takes couples up to a year to conceive."

"I've read that," I say, "but I'm worried there is something wrong with me. Maybe we need to do in vitro."

The doctor shakes her head. "It's too early for that. Let me ask you this, how often are you trying?"

"I've been tracking my cycle, and when I am in the fertile window, we try a couple times a day."

"How often do you have sex normally."

Shawn speaks up. "Probably five to six times a week."

Dr. Woods smiles. "That's a healthy sex life, which is good. I want you to try something different, though. Stop having sex for five days before you think you will ovulate. Then, at the onset of ovulation, only have sex once. Take a couple days off, and then resume whatever is normal for you."

Shawn cocks his head. "You think we are having too much sex?"

"It's possible."

So we proceed with this new plan. Four months later we are back at the doctor's office, still not pregnant. Shawn leaves on tour next month and is currently working long days prepping for the that, so we're hoping to get some answers. The good news is, if I get pregnant at any point now, the baby won't be due until long after the tour is over. The bad news is that Shawn will miss a lot of the pregnancy.

"Our next step us to examine a sample from you, Shawn," Dr. Woods explains.

"Don't you need to look at my fertility, too?" I ask.

"Because you have had a child, it's more likely that the problem, if there even is one, lies with Shawn and not you. If his tests prove there is no issue, then we will move on to your side of it. But it is possible that neither of you has a fertility problem. It could just be a conception or implantation issue. If both of you are fertile, we can start the in vitro process."

"So, what do I need to do?" Shawn asks.

"The nurse will take you to a private room. Jessica is welcome to join you if that helps. We have magazines on hand, too. You will need to provide an ejaculatory sample in a cup."

Shawn looks at me. "I'm going to opt to go solo on this one, okay Jess?"

I'm thankful for this, truth be told.

Two days later, we're called back in to Dr. Woods's office.

"So, we do now have a clue as to why you two are struggling with conception."

I look over at Shawn and he looks crestfallen. "It's me, right?" he says.

"Your sperm count is rather low, yes. It's not low to the point that you are sterile, but it's low enough to explain why Jessica has not gotten pregnant."

Shawn clenches his jaw. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "It's okay, babe."

"No. It's not. I can't get you pregnant. It's my fault."

It's a tense silent drive home.

At this point, the doctor has left us with some recommendations. We're to follow them and keep trying. Shawn's count is not so low that conception is impossible, it's just very unlikely.

Shawn has to wear looser pants because heat and constriction can be a cause of low sperm count. He's pretty pissed about this. He loves his tight black pants, and the thought of not wearing them bothers him. The doctor said he could wear them to perform during his tour, but that's it. We will order him a dozen pairs of cotton joggers.

He also has to wear loose boxers. That's no big deal. There are some supplements he needs to take, and he has limits on sex. Since he's leaving on tour, that's an easy one.

All of the things to help are doable, even if they are a little annoying. The problem we're having is deeper, though. Shawn falls into a dark place because of all this. He won't verbalize anything, but I think he feels like less of a man.