Love Thy Neighbor

Chapter 64

A little over two weeks after the final show in Toronto, Shawn and I are sitting in Dr. Woods's office.

"So basically, the two of you will select the donor from the extensive online catalog offered by the facility we work with. I recommend you log into the facility webpage as soon as possible and start looking. Find a candidate who suits your needs and preferences, and then we will proceed with artificial insemination when you are fertile."

We both nod at the doctor.

"This won't be immediate," she warns us. "I am going to give you a complete physical today, Jessica. You will then chart your cycle for three months so that we have a good idea of when you are ovulating."

Funny, I'd charted my cycle for months and months when we were trying to conceive. I'd stopped while Shawn was on tour and I was back to never really knowing where I was. My periods were never exactly regular after I'd had Lila and breastfed for so long.

"With any luck, you could be pregnant by the end of the summer, although often it takes multiple attempts at insemination, so do not be discouraged if it does not work at first."

The doctor hands Shawn a folder with access to a website that will be full of detailed descriptions of dudes who donated (which really means sold) their jizz so that couples like us can get pregnant. It's all weird.

"Jessica, come with me. This is just a routine physical. It shouldn't take more than half an hour. Shawn, you may wait in the reception area."

Shawn gives me a kiss on the head, takes the packet, and leaves. I follow Dr. Woods into her examining room.

Later that afternoon, Shawn and I are sitting at the kitchen island having a snack while we browse through donors on the secure webpage.

"This guy, #34786 has a masters degree in physics and runs marathons. Pretty impressive," I say.

"Yeah, but I kind of want someone who lists musical ability as one of his attributes. If this isn't my baby biologically, I'd still like to have some similar gifts to mine."

I smile at him. "You can pass on your love of music to any baby. You can teach any child to play an instrument. Look at Lila! You already have her playing songs on the piano in your studio," I say.

"Good point. It is still kind of important to me," he says.

"So we need to find someone who is smart and musical. That doesn't seem impossible," I say, scrolling through the pages.

"You are going to think I am nuts, but if we can find someone whose physical description fits mine a little, that would be good," Shawn says.

I totally understand. We have decided that outside of our families, we're not making it public that the baby is not biologically Shawn's. Eventually we will tell our child, mainly because he or she deserves to know that, but it won't be announced to the world.

"Okay, so let's stop browsing and actually start filtering the choices now that we an idea of what we want," I suggest.

A bit later, Lila comes down the stairs, awake from her nap.

"I'm hungry," she announces, climbing onto her booster seat at the table.

"We can continue this later," Shawn says as he closes the laptop.

I cut up an apple and get out some Nilla wafers while Shawn gets Lila a cup of milk.

"Baby Ethan can crawl," she says as she eats her snack.

"I know, sweetie. Your daddy sent us a video. You were in it, too," I say.

She eats some apple. "Can you have a baby like Perri did?"

Shawn and I look at each other and smile. It's funny she brought this up.

"Maybe one day your mommy and I will have a baby," Shawn says. "Would you like that?"

"Would the baby take my room?" she asks.

I laugh. "No, but the baby would get your old crib and changing table. We'd make the room next to yours the baby's room."

"But where would Aunt Elsie and Aunt Aailyah sleep?" she asks.

"We'd have to figure that out, but don't worry, your aunts would still visit," I say.

Aaliyah is as much an aunt to Lila as Elsie is. In fact, Shawn's parents are 'pops' and 'gran' to her. My parents are 'grandma' and 'grandpa' and David's dad is 'saba,' which is a Jewish term. Of course there are Perri's parents, too. All four sets of grandparents adore Lila equally.

When snack time is over, the three of us walk to the park near our house so Lila can run off some energy, which as a three year old, she has a lot to spare. Lila plays hard and then crashes hard.

"You are sure we are doing the right thing?" Shawn asks as we sit in a bench while Lila plays on the preschool-sized slide.

"Are you having doubts?" I ask.

"When I am with you and Lila like this, I realize how perfect our family is. I think I pushed you into wanting another baby and I need you to know we don't have to do this just for me."

"I want another baby, Shawn," I reassure him.

He puts an arm around me. "Okay. Then let's move forward. Other than the tiny little unimportant fact that my useless sperm weren't involved at all, the baby will be my baby."

I know he's still trying to convince himself of this. He's been cracking lots of jokes and making sarcastic comments, but it's obvious he is still disappointed in his body. It's a blow to his manhood.

"If the roles were reversed and we had to use a donor egg, or even a surrogate, would you want to still have a baby?" I ask.

"Of course. That wouldn't be your fault," he says.

"Exactly."

"I see your point, but don't tell me it wouldn't be difficult for you to accept that you were infertile."

"Yeah, it would. I understand why this hurts you. I just hate it when you tie it to who you are, like you've failed at something," I explain.

"Since I was 14, I've been able to set my mind to things and accomplish them. Look at my music career. I couldn't play an instrument, but I taught myself how. I sang until my voice sounded good enough to get someone in the business's attention. I never let go of my goals and worked hard every day."

I smile at him. "I know, baby. You are incredible."

"Even with you, against the odds, considering how we met, I fought to get you to fall in love with me after I fell for you right away. I had to work even harder to win you back. And I did get you back and we have the best life ever."

I nod.

"My point is that I have been able to get what I want through hard work and determination. I'm used to getting my way, which I know sounds childish." He pauses for a second. "Jess, please understand why failing at the most basic part of our human biology is difficult for me."

"I love you, Shawn. I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but I need you to know that it has never changed my feelings for you. You would never be a failure in my eyes. If anything, I love you more for moving forward with what we're about to do."

Shawn leans over and kisses me on the top of the head. "Let's go home and continue the donor search."