More Than a Summer Fling | Modern Lams AU | Fragilehoney

18

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1/27/18 OOF MORE ANGST AND GETTING MYSELF INTO A HOLE I DONT KNOW HOW TO WRITE OUT OF YAAY

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I woke up in the cabin seemingly hours later to a soft setting sun. I must have really been knocked out. I was now mostly awake and my eyes were burning so I went to the bathroom to take a shower in the dim light. I walked in, turning the light, and was immediately blinded. Once I could see again I walked in and took a look in the mirror. "God." I said looking at myself. "I look like shit."

"You do." Said somebody. I screamed before being cut off by somebodies hands.

"Dude, chill, It's me! Peggyyyyy." She said waving her hands around.

"Oh... What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in here?" I said freaked out.

"Um, I'm here to talk to you. And you always leave the door unlocked, and the bathroom door was wide open." 

"Errr... there is nothing to talk about, go away and let me take a shower."

"Dude, you look like hell. You've been in the cabin for like five plus hours, missed lunch, your eyes are bloodshot, and you left us all with out a word all pissy. There is plenty to talk about." Peggy said sternly. "And what about Alex?"

Alex. Alex. Alex. What about Alex?

"John, you're mumbling."

"Shit."

"John, I'm only trying to help you. I want the best for you and Alex both." 

"Yeah right, my father said the same bullshit about trying to help me." I mumbled. Looking about.

"What? John speak up."

"What are you going to do? Hit me? Do it then!"

"John what the fuck? Whats gotten into you?"

"Tell me I'm a waste of space and you never wish I came into your life." I screamed balling my eyes out.

"John."

"I didn't ask to be here! I didn't ask to be alive!" 

"John." She said quieter.

"Leave." She looked at me blankly like she was going to say something. "I said leave!" 

"Fine. But just so you know, I tried to help you! I tried to make you feel better and instead you are screaming absolute nonsense! Alex is balling his eye's out in my sisters cabin and I came because probably the closest person to you here, second only to Alex and you are distancing yourself from him. From me. From everybody and we don't know what went wrong. We want to know what's wrong so we can fix this and make things better but maybe your not just broken. Maybe you are so shatter to the point of no return." 

"Wait."

"What, John?" Peggy said in defeat.

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I'm being an irrational dick. I just... fuck."

"Can you at least give me a clue as to whats messing with your mind?"

"Thomas..."

"Lets make a deal."

"A deal with you that's like making a deal with the devil." I said sarcastically.

"It's not time for jokes, I'll tell Alex you need alone time and that you need to just cry everything out before you are ready to talk while you take a shower and get your shit together. You can pay me back later. If Alex doesn't come back before eight he will stay with us for the night and that's your deadline. You are going to seriously screw things up if you don't fix this now."

"Deal." We shook hands and Peggy left. It was five-thirty so I decided to take a shower before getting dinner. During that shower I cried and cried and cried.  My summer was so promising, even just yesterday everything was fine and I fucked it up. I ate dinner and to my surprise Alex showed up at the cabin.

"Alex..." I said looking up from a pile of drawings and notes we had made for each other over the summer.

"John..." He sounded sour.

"I don't know where to start."

"I wouldn't either."

"What do you want to hear?"

"How about the part were you told Peggy you didn't ask to be alive?" Alex said with a scratchy throat.

"I said that didn't I..."

"I don't know you tell me. John why?"

"I-"

"John why would you say something like that?" My head started spinning. "Is it because of me, Thomas, your life?"

"I just..."

"Just please say it."

"I just can't!"

"What?"

"I can't put into words how much of a burden and how stupid I feel!"

"John you are not a burden!" Alex said sniffling. 

"There is so much you don't know about me. There is so much I don't know about me." I said coldly.

"And I want to know every last detail."

"Just a bit for now..."

"What ever you are comfortable with."

"Okay, you're in for a ride."

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