Growing Pains ✔

Chapter 7

Jamie sat on his bed holding his mom's diary to his chest like it was one of the crown jewels. He could feel his heart beating hard in his chest as he wondered what secrets it held. He knew he'd already betrayed his mom's trust by taking her diary so how much worse would it be to take a peek inside? He promised himself he wouldn't read anything that didn't shed light on his parent's marriage or the questions he had. Tentatively he opened it; the first entry was dated February 1962, six months before his parents married.

I finally called Louis and broke up with him. It's awful. I can't stop crying, this is the worst day of my life! I thought he'd try to change my mind but he said nothing. I guess he can go and see other girls with a clear conscience now. My heart is breaking, I want to die.

Jamie quickly stopped reading, his cheeks heating up, he didn't want to read his mom's teenage ramblings, it was embarrassing. However, he was confused. His mom had dated Louis in high school, he'd always got the impression the relationship was casual, and over long before she went to college. He flipped further ahead to March.

I didn't want to go to the party but Judy twisted my arm. I guess she's tired of me moping about. It was kinda fun, once I'd had a drink anyway. There's this lecturer, Mr McKenna, who was there. All the girls were fawning over him, I suppose he is cute for a teacher. He actually asked me to dance with him. That was funny cos I didn't really want to, and all the other girls were green!

Jamie paused, so that was his parents first real encounter. He knew he ought to skip ahead to August but instead, he read on.

I can't believe it, Mr McKenna has asked me on a date! I wanted to say no, I still love Louis, but as Judy reminded me, he's soon forgotten about me. Not a phone call or a letter! So I've agreed to go to dinner with Nick (Mr McKenna). Maybe it will be nice to be taken out by an older guy, I bet he knows how to treat a girl!

Dinner was fantastic! Nick is so fascinating, he's so intelligent, not like all the guys at college. And he actually seemed interested in me! I don't know why, I feel so dumb compared to him.

Nick asked if I'd go out with him again. I've tried to put him off. Judy thinks I'm crazy but I love Louis, I think I've made a big mistake finishing with him.

Jamie slammed the diary shut. Well, no wonder his parent's marriage didn't work out if his mom was pining over her ex-boyfriend. Why had she even gone out with his dad? It seemed very much like she'd led him on, using him to make herself feel better.

He heard his mom calling that lunch would be ready in half an hour so he resumed his reading, skipping ahead to May.

I've been seeing quite a lot of Nick, all the girls are jealous even though we've kept it quiet. I think Judy's been blabbing. I don't know what he sees in me. Obviously, I'm younger but so is everyone else, and people say I'm pretty but I don't kid myself that I'm some great beauty. I think I'm kinda smart but I'm nothing special. Honestly, there are better girls than me that Nick could go out with.

Nick took me back to his apartment, I didn't want to go but I couldn't think of an excuse not to. I knew what he wanted, what he expected to happen once we got there. I should have insisted he take me home but he was making me feel like I was being childish and immature. I guess I am compared to him so I went along with him. Now I feel sick, he hasn't done anything wrong, it's me. This is too soon after Louis.

Jamie closed the diary again, shame washing over him. This was a massive invasion of his mom's privacy. She hadn't even been much older than him when she'd written it, she'd only turned nineteen that May. He flicked through a few more pages and resumed reading.

I've been hiding out in Nick's apartment since the semester ended. I can't believe how easy it was to convince mom I was staying at college to do extra credits. I guess she hears what she wants to. The doorman here is very offhand towards me. Nick told him I was his sister - well we do both have brownish/blonde hair but Nick's eyes are brown and mine are blue - and I could tell he smelt a rat.

Nick's been out all day trying to sort something out. He wouldn't let me go with him, he said it would be too upsetting. Soon this will be over with.

I'm terrified. What if something goes wrong? What if I die or I can't have any more children? Nick's assured me the procedure will be over in seconds and it will be like it never happened. I don't believe him, I don't want to do this but it's too late now.

I cried all the way to the clinic, which wasn't even a clinic but what else should I call it? Nick said it was it was nerves, and he'd stay with me, but as we pulled up at the house, I was bordering on hysterical. I had my hand on my stomach and I could feel it, my baby. Nick got out the car but I couldn't move. I was frozen. Eventually, he got back in. "So do you want to get married then?" he asked. Just like that. He's never once mentioned marriage to me but I grabbed the lifeline he seemed to be offering. It was better than being butchered and better than going home to mom, I know she'd make me give my baby up.

We got married today, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I know we can be happy together. I love Nick, not in the way I love Louis, this is the real thing. This is serious, we're building a life together, and we're going to have a baby. Louis would never have wanted to have this life with me. I guess I'm now officially a grown up, I'm dreading telling mom the news though...

Jamie closed the diary and shoved it under his mattress, if he didn't go down for lunch soon Charlotte would come looking for him. He wanted to read more, to devour his mom's every word, it was far more fascinating than any school book he'd ever read.

He couldn't help feeling slightly better that she must have wanted him, eventually, even if she hadn't at first. He realised those words he'd read years ago, and tried to dismiss, were buried deep inside of him. However, his questions about his father remained. He knew him, and yet he was such a fleeting presence in his life, he couldn't get a hold on who he truly was. It was wrong but he intended to read more to try and find out.

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