Growing Pains ✔

Chapter 22

Charlotte stomped downstairs, Louis following closely behind her. She knew she had to get a grip on herself; the damage was done now, the news was pretty much out.

'Mom, what's for dinner?' Andy yelled hearing her footsteps. She felt a spark of irritation, she'd been that distracted with Angela's call she'd completely forgotten to start making anything.

'Dinner won't be for another hour,' she said poking her head through the living room door. 'Go grab a piece of fruit.'

'Can I have ice cream?' Andy asked optimistically.

'No,' Louis said before she even had a chance to. At least they were still on the same page about some things. 

'You're so mean,' Andy grumbled. 'None of my friends eat fruit.' He looked at the fruit bowl sourly, before grabbing an apple. Charlotte went into the kitchen, trying to think of what to make. Louis and Jamie would eat anything, Andrew and Julia were much fussier. She started opening cupboards looking for inspiration. It didn't help that she was still feeling nauseous and nothing appealed to her either.

She grabbed a pan banging it on the kitchen counter, letting out some of her frustration. She looked at the plates stacked up on the draining board and reached out to grab one. She stopped herself, it was years since she'd smashed a plate in anger. Tempting though it was she knew the shame she'd feel afterwards, the thought that she was just like Nick losing control, was not worth it.

'I can make dinner,' Louis said coming into the kitchen and closing the door behind him. She pulled a face, she knew he was trying to creep around her, and she wouldn't be won over that easily.

'It's fine,' she said grabbing a packet of dried pasta. 'Besides last time you cooked we had to get a take out.'

Louis looked sheepish. 'That was cos the terrorist kept distracting me.'

Charlotte bit her lip, hiding a smile. 'Don't call her that.' She had to admit Julia was a hand full though, especially for anyone who was not her mom.

'Your mom says Julia gets it from you,' Louis said trying to strike up a conversation.

Charlotte let out a loud sigh refusing to ignore the elephant in the room. 'Louis I'm not happy with you going behind my back and telling Jamie,' she said giving him a hard look. 'It was my decision to make.'

Louis shrugged. 'I didn't think it was a big deal at his age, he was gonna find out soon enough.' Charlotte rubbed her head, feeling the beginnings of a tension headache. 'He was Lottie, you're not gonna miscarry, you've never miscarried at this stage.'

She grabbed a tin of tomatoes, turning her back to him. 'I haven't miscarried, no. But things have gone wrong and they still could.' She felt Louis's hand on her shoulder.

'I know that,' he said keeping his voice low. 'And I also know why, and so do you. That's not gonna happen again.'

She let out the breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. 'I can't get complacent Louis,' she said, her voice almost a whisper. 'Before I was pregnant I was happy enough, I thought our family was complete. I'm still not sure what to make of this. I daren't think too far ahead but...' She knew at some stage she was going to have to. For all she was trying to prepare herself for the worst, she also knew she'd have to start thinking about the practicalities of having another baby before long.

'Lottie I think we need to work on the assumption we're having another child,' Louis said.

She put a pan of water on to boil. 'I don't even know how I feel about that,' she admitted, not looking at him. 'It's almost like it's too good to be true, but at my age, and with the age gaps between the kids. God, we're going back to the beginning again.'

'Well it's a bit late to say you don't want to have it,' Louis pointed out.

Charlotte spun around. 'That's not what I said, of course, I want to have it! But Jamie will be seventeen when it's born. When it's two he'll be nineteen. I had him when I was nineteen.' The thought brought her down to earth. She could be a grandmother at thirty-eight if Jamie followed in her footsteps.

Louis chuckled. 'I don't see Jamie starting a family any time soon, but say he did, well it's just one of those things.'

Charlotte pulled a face. Louis acted like everything was so simple, nothing seemed to phase him.

'I wouldn't want Jamie to make my mistakes,' she admitted quietly. 'I can't tell him that cos it would be like saying he was a mistake. But I do wish I'd had him when I was a bit older and had half a clue what I was doing.' It went without saying she wished Jamie had a different father, she'd never stop feeling guilty about that one.

'You've done a good job with him,' Louis insisted. 'You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, or him.'

'What do you mean,' she snapped. 'I'm not hard on him, I'm strict and I'm sure he doesn't like it but kids need to have boundaries.'

Louis paused a moment, and she knew he was trying to choose his words carefully. 'He's a good kid Lottie and sometimes I don't think you see that,' he said his voice placatory. 'Yeah he put his foot in it with the whole pregnancy thing but he didn't do it out of spite or anything. It was an honest mistake.'

'I know,' Charlotte admitted, feeling deflated. She knew Jamie hadn't meant to upset her, but she still felt angry that the decision had been taken out of her hands. She didn't want to be dealing with people's messages of congratulations, not yet.

'So why don't you go a bit easy on him, he's not like his father.'

Charlotte turned away. She knew he was right but even after all these years it riled her when Louis tried to give her advice about Jamie. She was his mom, she was his parent, and she should know what to do for the best. In many ways she felt like she was still learning with Jamie, she was experiencing everything for the first time with him. She might be hard on him but it was her responsibility to instil some sort of value system into him, she couldn't count on Nick to give him any moral guidance.

'It's not that straightforward Louis,' she finally said, and he gave her an impatient look.

'Charlotte you are going to lose him if you keep on like this.' His firm tone brought her up short, he never really questioned her decisions where Jamie was concerned. She opened her mouth but no words came out. Swallowing hard she turned her attention back to the dinner, grabbing an onion and chopping it in half with some force.

'I'll leave you to it,' Louis said, kissing the top of her head before he left the kitchen. She let the tears that had been threatening to fall spill down her face as the onion stung her eyes. She almost welcomed it. Louis was right, she was pushing Jamie away but she couldn't seem to help herself.

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