Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

1

Phil
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
A readers POV.
Phil was standing in the bathroom in front of the sink. His body twitched as he looked himself up and down in the mirror. He opened a drawer below the sink and started looking through the messy contents. His fingers were almost shaking. Finally he stopped looking and picked something up in his hand, a yellow prescription bottle. He bit his lip, thinking for a minute, before he raised his sleeves. He walked over to the bathroom door, he could hear Dan filming in his room occasionally yelling. He listened for a minute, smiling when he heard Dan laughing. He locked the bathroom and returned to his spot in front of the mirror.

His lanky arms were pale, so transparent that you could almost see each and every vain under his skin. Red and some white scars were embedded onto his left arm. He traced the marks on his skin, the scars made it in some places jagged and bumpy. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply.

You deserve to hurt. You piece of shit, you hurt Dan's feelings earlier. What the fuck was that for. Ignorant asshole.

Phil thought of a few hours earlier when Dan had woken up Phil. He was asking to do a video on the gaming channel. Phil was tired and irritable. He had told Dan to bugger off in a harsh tone. Dan had locked himself away in his room to film by himself now.

He began thinking about Dan. His eyes were a pure brown and lit up so easily. His tan skin made him look like a tan god. But the best part of him was his smile. Phil had always been in love with that adorable smile. He loved the way that his eyes would crease and his dimples would appear. He was beautiful.

The truth was that Phil had always had feelings for Dan, even before they had met in person. He had fallen for him the day that he noticed Dan asking for editing tips over the internet. Phil had internet stalked him to the deepest extent, not in a creepy way but in an intrigued and interested way.

Dan is straight. And you are too, remember? You will NOT be a fag.

Phil's spine shivered as his thought brought back a million memories.

He unscrewed the prescription bottle and tilted it. A silver razor slipped from the inside. He held the sharp object in between his fingers, it almost seemed like he was trying to decide if cutting was truly the right answer to his problems. He dragged the razor across his skin. There was almost an immediate feeling of relief before beads of blood started filling the new wound. It slightly starting to sting but he didn't mind. I deserve this. Was all he thought.

He watched as the skin around the cut became irritated and swelled. He continued staring at it for a few more seconds before continuing, hurting himself once more. He slid his finger over the cuts. The blood smeared, staining his white skin red.

When the wounds stopped bleeding Phil washed his arms with a washcloth to keep his clothes from staining. He pulled his sleeves back down and put his razor back in its hiding place. Minutes later he was outside in the lounge acting like nothing had ever happened. He was watching Yuri On Ice and drinking a cup of coffee when Dan entered the room with a his laptop. He assumed his sofa crease position next to Phil.

"I'm sorry-" Phil started but Dan interrupted.

"It's okay," Dan said "its fine if you don't always want to collab in my videos." He said shrugging before reaching over Phil for his coffee mug and taking a sip of it's contents.

"Hey that's-"

"Mine." Dan finished, setting the mug down on the arm rest closest to him. He opened his laptop and started typing some things which Phil assumed were Twitter. "Are you okay, Phil?" Dan asked him. He didn't remove his eyes from his laptop but still awaited an answer.

"Yeah, I'm a bit tired is all. I haven't been sleeping that well since the move." Phil lied to Dan.

"Alright, I just wanted to make sure that you weren't mad at me or anything." Dan looked up from his computer and looked Phil straight in the eyes. "You know that you can talk to me about anything, don't you? If you're upset I'll be here for you. You don't have to lie to me." Dan said in a serious tone.

Oh shit. What do I do. Phil thought.

"I've known you since 2008, I can tell when you're lying. You look past me or you start biting your fingernails, 2 things that you've done in the past 5 minutes. Now tell me the truth. Are you alright?" Dan finished. Phil's heart raced and he felt trapped.

Don't tell him that you're depressed you psychotic idiot.

Phil worked up his best acting skills and started saying the first thing that came to mind. "My mum called, my great Aunt Susan passed. She lives in America and I didn't think it would be worth going all that way for just a day. The funeral was today. I'm just a bit sad that I didn't get to say goodbye."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why have you never spoken of her? I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I didn't think it was something to bring up. I'm fine though. Thanks for asking, Dan."

"No problem, Philly."
~