Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

23

Phil
12:29. The minutes seemed more like hours to me. I stayed silently awake, listening carefully for Dan's soft snoring to begin. We had only gone to bed a little while ago but it never took him long to fall asleep.

Another few minutes went by and I heard Dan's breaths slow down and become progressively louder. I crept out of bed, careful not to wake him up. Once I got out of the bedroom I walked towards the bathroom.

After I came home from the hospital Dan had basically baby-proofed the whole house. And I actually mean that he baby-proofed everything, especially in the kitchen and the bathroom. Drawers and cabinets had weird clip things that I had no clue how to open and needed Dan to help me retrieve things out for me. My bedroom door and the bathroom had what looked like covers for the doorknobs on them and seemed to only slide around when I tried to open them, again needing the assistance of Daniel.

We had only just eaten before Dan and I headed for bed. For dinner we had a Thai feast for two. We had stuffed ourselves full with enough Crab Rangoon, Chicken, Rice, and Boba for a century. Afterwards I felt absolutely disgusting. I looked down at my stomach, seeing a swollen and bloated midriff.

Right before we climbed into bed Dan let me into the bathroom. I knew that he was right outside the door, most likely listening to what I was doing, so I quickly took a look at myself in the mirror. I sucked in my stomach, flexed my arms and felt the skin of my stomach and chest.

Everything is just fat.

I quickly washed my face and followed through with my nighttime routine. The thoughts kept coming though, even after my body check.

Throw. Up.

Throw. Up.

Throw. Up.

I had been keeping myself from eating a lot of food. It felt good to be in control of at least something in my life. But after tonight I could only think about how terribly fat I could turn with how much I've eaten tonight.

When I came out of the bathroom Dan was waiting beside the door, just as he had every other night before this. He took my hand and started walking me towards his room, which had recently become more of our room than just his. Usually he made sure that I had closed the bathroom door before going to bed, he knows that I can't open these by myself. But tonight he didn't, like he had forgot. I was happy about this.

During the times that I had to myself I began looking for diets and ways to lose weight fast. It seemed as if I was gaining by the minute, I was terrified of how I must look to the world. I felt like I had absolutely nothing to turn to until I found tags on tumblr.

#mia and #ana

I had heard of the habit before, romanticized in movies and in books. The girl always seemed to feel better after shoving her fingers down her throat, as odd as it sounded. And my mind could not get off the urge of trying it for myself.

I crept into the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet. I opened my mouth and pressed my pointer and middle finger down against the back of my tongue. I thought that it was going to work as I began to cough, but as soon as I released my fingers I felt fine. I didn't understand, I had seen this at least a dozen times.

I looked at my short fingers, suddenly hating them. And then I had a thought, maybe they were too short. I looked to the sink's countertop, my eyes setting upon my toothbrush. I had accidentally left it there when I brushed my teeth before going to the bedroom.

Do it.

Shove it down your throat.

These thoughts were odd and so demanding. I did it anyways.

I felt the plastic of the handle as it hit the back of my throat, causing me to gag. I kept pushing the handle into the back of my mouth until I felt a warm burning sensation in making its way from my stomach. I bent over the bowl of the toilet, retching as a mix of fluids and the lasts of my dinner slopped into the water below me. I gagged a few more times and again, the vile coming out of me. My nose and throat burned but I somehow felt satisfied, no longer feeling as bad as I had before.

I stood up from the toilet, a bit dizzy from vomiting. I put my toothbrush back into its place and began washing my mouth out with antiseptic wash and water. When I stepped out of the bathroom I found an awake Dan standing outside of the doorway.

Shit. I'm caught.

I was surprised when Dan spoke, I had been expecting that he had caught me in the act.

"Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling good?" He said, implying the idea that he thought that I must be ill. I played along though, not wanting to out myself or worry him.

"It just came on suddenly. I'm okay though, Dan. You go to bed."

We stood awkwardly in the hall for a moment before I felt my hand being grasped and pulled back into our bedroom. Dan tucked me into the bed and kissed me on the forehead. He left the room for a moment. When he returned he had his laptop, a big bottle of Gatorade, and saltine crackers. He seemed so genuinely caring and it made me feel bad that I was lying to him.

We laid in bed for the rest of the night until we both fell asleep.

I slept peacefully that night, proud that I had gotten away with the act.
~