Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

36

Phil's POV-

I had called my mother while I was on my way to the train station to tell her that I was coming home for a surprise visit. She seemed really excited when I told her the news. It felt nice to hear that at least someone wanted to look at me. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. My head hadn't stopped spinning since dinner. All I knew was that I was feeling empty, angry, and dizzy all at the same time. 

As I sat on the train, waiting for my stop, I thought about Dan a lot. I wondered what he was doing right then. I tried to think about what he must be feeling right now. Was he afraid? Sad? Angry? Relieved? I had been gone for about an hour and I already missed him, but at the same time I hated him so much. I knew somewhere in my mind that everything Dan said was out of love, but at the time I didn't want to accept it. 

I pulled up the sleeves of my jumper and looked at my arms. I barely ever looked at them because of all the scars. They were all fully healed now, but still very obviously there. I remembered the nights spent with Dan, when we would stay up late just loving each other. I lightly traced over a bigger scar on my arm, remembering how Dan would always kiss my arms if he thought that I was feeling sad. He would always make me feel incredibly loved. 

I loved him. 

I still love him. 

I hated that I was constantly putting him through what was in my head. He didn't deserve to have a life where he has to take care of his partner. He shouldn't have had to see me, dying on the floor. He shouldn't have saved me. He shouldn't have had to lose trust in me. He shouldn't have had to baby proof the house and lock doors. If I had just been normal he would have never had to go through the things that he had. If we had never met he would have never had to see the things that he did. 

I kept thinking of Dan until I was at the front door of my parents' house. I was about to reach for the door when it flung open and I was greeted by my mother. She quickly pulled me into a hug. The quick movements made me feel a bit dizzy but I did my best to hide it. When she pulled away she began looking at me up and down. 

"You look so frail." She said, sounding puzzled. 

"I've been going to the gym a lot recently and the trainer recommended that I lose some weight." I lied, "and I've been ill recently. But I'll look better soon!" I awkwardly laughed. 

"You're sure?" She asked. 

"Yes mum." 

~

I had gotten to my parents' home quite late. I had only been there for about an hour before everyone retreated to bed. I went to my old room, which now was used as a guest room. I pulled out my phone and saw 3 text messages all sent by the same person. 

From Daniel<3 (1)

I'm sorry I yelled, I'm just worried about you. I love you. 

From Daniel<3 (2) 

I hope that you can forgive me for the way that I spoke to you tonight. I just hope that we can talk this out. 

From Daniel<3 (3) 

I'm really worried about you, Phil. Please come home. I'm so sorry that I ever made you mad. I just want to know that you're safe. I love you. 

I tried to think about how to respond to Dan. I was still angry at him and I frankly didn't feel like speaking to him in the moment. 

To Daniel<3  

I've taken a train to stay with my parents for a bit. I'm doing fine. 

~

The next morning I woke up to find that my mother had cooked a very large breakfast. At the breakfast table sat my father and my brother, Martin. My mother stood over the stove, still cooking eggs. 

"Oh, good! You're up!" She said rather cheerfully, "Sit, sit!" 

"What are you doing here, Martin?" I said, taking a seat next to my brother. 

"Mum said she was making breakfast and that you came home." He said. He spoke with his mouth full of bacon, "She also said you looked pretty bad; she wasn't wrong. You look like shit." Martin said to me. 

"Martin!" My mother spoke up, scolding him for swearing. 

"Phil, I didn't say you looked bad, just different." She directed her words to me now. 

A plate of bacon, eggs, and pancakes were set in front of me. This had always been my favorite breakfast and my mother had made it for me as long as I could remember. I couldn't remember the last time that I had eaten a full plate of anything. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I ate a full piece of anything. As I looked at the food I felt as if it were staring back at me, telling me not to eat it. 

"Where's that boyfriend of yours?" My dad spoke, putting down the newspaper that had been in front of his face. 

"Oh, uh- he's still at home. He's been busy working with a new charity." I lied. 

"That sounds nice, son." He said. 

"And he's doing well?" My mother chimed into the conversation. 

"He's doing great." I said, although I really wasn't sure at this point. 

"You two are doing well? Still together?" She asked. 

"Yes, mum."

I began cutting up my food into smaller pieces and spread out all of the food. I began attempting to make conversation with my family, keeping them distracted from the fact that I wasn't eating my food. I thought I was doing well until I caught the eyes of my mother. 

"Don't like your food, darling?" she said. I could tell that she was examining my plate. 

Fuck.

"No, this is my favorite! You know that, mum." I answered. I stabbed a piece of my fried egg with my fork. The yolk, which wasn't fully cooked from the inside, oozed and dripped onto my plate. I felt my face turn red and I began feeling really afraid as I lifted the food to my mouth. I nearly gagged as I put the food in my mouth and swallowed. 

I knew that she wasn't going to quit watching me until I had convinced her that I was going to eat. So I took another bite of my egg. I had the same reaction, I felt like I wouldn't be able to keep it down. But I kept taking small bites of my food to appease my mother. 

~

As soon as I was excused from the table I knew that I needed to get rid of all the food I had just eaten. I knew that my mind would not rest until I did. I knew that my family would hear if I began purging in the bathroom. So I told my mother that I was going to visit a childhood friend, one that lived in walking distance of our house. 

As soon as I was out of visibility from the house I began to run. I ran for about 10 minutes, feeling completely dizzy from overworking my body. My whole body seemed to shake and I immediately felt sick. I bent over on the side of the road, feeling my body convulse as what I had eaten came back up. 

I was happy because I wouldn't have to force my breakfast out of me. 

I sat at the edge of the road for quite a while, trying to feel well again. Eventually I got back up and began running from the opposite direction of my house, towards the town. I remember feeling so light as my feet left the ground. I remember how weird it felt when my feet landed on the pavement. 

And then I remember waking up in the hospital.