Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

5

Phil
Phil's POV-
I woke up feeling my arms itch. It wasn't the kind of itch that you get from irritated skin or a rash. It was an internal feeling. My body was calling me back to the bathroom, I needed to cut. I rubbed my eyes and started getting up from bed. I could hear Dan outside of my doorway snoring. I assumed that he must've fallen asleep of the sofa the night before. I didn't bother pulling on a shirt and instead just walked out to the lounge.

I tiptoed out to the lounge, seeing Dan curled up onto the couch. His laptop was tucked somewhat underneath him and the television was still on. He must have only fell asleep a bit ago or else it would have turned off by itself at some point through the night. I picked up his laptop and set it onto the side table and turned the tv off, leaving Dan to rest quietly.

Seeing that he was still in a very deep sleep I quietly went into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, realizing that I hadn't taken a shower in 2 days. I suddenly started to feel disgusting, sticky almost. My hands made their way to my stomach, feeling the softness of it. I wasn't thin. I hadn't ever been thin but today I felt humongous, as if I couldn't fit anywhere. I looked around the room for the scale. I was still trying to figure out where we had put things since we moved. I soon found it in between the wall and a cabinet. I stood on it and waited for the numbers.

234 pounds? Could I get any fatter?

I felt a tear slip out and roll down my cheek. I collapsed in a heap on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. What had I become? I can't even wake up without the first thought in my head being self destructive. When had this happened?

I crawled over to the drawer and began looking for the only thing that gave me relief. I reached around, feeling for the bottle. When I didn't find it I stood up, taking everything out of the drawer but it was nowhere to be found. It was gone.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. What if Dan had found it? What if I'm caught? What the fuck am I to do? My hands shook in fear. I looked in the other cabinets, around the sink, everywhere. It was nowhere to be seen. The itch in my skin become more of a burning feeling. I scratched at my arms, my legs. Nothing seemed to help.

I stood in the middle of the bathroom in a daze, not sure what to do.

~
Dan's POV-
I woke up to the sound of shuffling. Phil must be awake. The flashback from what had happened just hours ago, I knew that I would have to talk to him today, I had no idea what I was going to say. I thought for a few minutes before remembering the shirt, the jumper that I had cried about for hours. The jumper that I spent forever washing Phil's pain out of. I went to the laundry room and fished it out of the dryer. It looked brand new, like nothing had ever happened to it.

I started to walk to Phil's room, rehearsing what exactly I was going to say to him, when I turned my head to see him in the bathroom. He was just standing in the middle of the room, his body was shaking. He looked even paler than usual, his hair was damp from sweat. He was just staring at the floor. The bathroom was a mess. His hair straightener was flung across the floor, hair products were scattered, the drawer was upside down with nothing left inside of it.

"Phil?!"

I rushed over to he didn't move or answer me. He was just stood there sobbing. I started shaking him by the shoulders trying to get him to snap out of it. I began yelling his name. I pushed on him, I grabbed him by the face and did everything in my power to get him to talk to me but it didn't work.

Phil's tears fell down his face and onto his chest. My mind was blank, and suddenly I was carrying Phil in my arms to my bedroom. I put him onto the bed and tried to think. He continued to cry, his words barely making any sense. It was then that I noticed Phil wasn't wearing clothes, only his boxer shorts. I looked at his arms first and saw medical bandage wrapped around the skin, just below the wrist, right where the stain had been on his jumper. It looked as if he had been scratching himself with his fingernails. His legs and upper arms were covered in brush burn from his desperate attempt to hurt himself. 

"Phil." I said over the loud sobs. When he didn't answer me I left the room to get him some water and his shirt which I had left on the floor when I had found Phil. I made sure not to leave him alone for long. When I returned I demanded Phil to drink the water. He took the cup and lapped it down.

"Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what you've been thinking, Phil." I said.

"I'm okay- I was just..my aunt..."

"Don't you dare give me that fucking bullshit, Phil." I held up the jumper. "You know, I was thinking about your family. You've had relatives pass while around and you always tell me. Either that or your mother calls me, but that didn't happen. Why even bother fucking lying to me? I can see that you've cut yourself right in front of my fucking eyes. And-" I reached over to my nightstand and opened the drawer, taking out the razor and lighter hidden in the prescription bottle. "It clearly been going on for a while. What the fuck is going on. And don't you give me that goddamn bullshit again."

Phil looked up at me, his blue eyes glistening. I think that this is when he realized that there was no getting out of this. He breathed out quite heavily before speaking.

"Do you remember when you went on holiday with your family a couple of months ago?" He said quietly, folding his hands in his lap.

He didn't look up. I wasn't sure where he was going with this but I went along with it and nodded.

"I went out with a few friends, PJ and Chris. We-uh..we went to have drinks and they said that they would meet me there...at the restaurant. So I had gotten ready, I really tried to look nice because the place we were going was slightly fancy. I had gotten there a bit early so I decided to wait for them at the bar before getting a table."

He stopped his story for a moment as he stared down at his arm. He began fidgeting with the bandage, unwrapping and rewrapping it. I pushed his hands off of it and began to unravel it, guessing it was probably bothering him. I pulled the bandage off, revealing his blood stained and irritated wounds. I tried to act like I was okay but inside my heart was breaking for him. I kept my hand over the cuts so that Phil couldn't see them. He continued to stare off into the distance, a blank expression on his face.

"Phil? Can you finish the story?" I asked him.

"I was sitting at the bar and the bartender came to ask what I wanted. From the beginning I could feel something off by his presents. The way he looked at me was just horrible. When he began talking to me I said that I was told him I was just waiting for Chris and Peej to get there. He-uh...well he forced me to order something..and when I ordered a cocktail he began to call me gay. And I wouldn't even care if I were called gay. You know me, you know I'm the farthest thing from being homophobic. But he didn't use the word "gay". He started calling me a faggot and saying that I shouldn't.." his voice trailed off again. He began squirming around under my hand. I could feel like body shake.

"What did he tell you?"

"He started making fun of my body... He called me the "King of Obesity". He joked with the other men around me, they all started to push me. They switched between calling me a faggot and saying that I was a fat woman. He told me that I had a face that only my cousin could love. I was pushed off of the barstool, He told me to stop being me."

Phil's sobbing began again, but he didn't stop talking.

"So..I got up from the floor and I told Chris and PJ that I had gotten ill suddenly and that it was best for me to stay at home. I went back to the flat and I cried for the longest time. You were gone, and it's not your fault, I just didn't talk to you about it because you were on holiday and I didn't want to bother you. I was too embarrassed to say it to anyone else."

I felt a tear dripped onto my hand. I stopped holding Phil's arm and instead I held his hand, kissing it as I held him close.

"I'm so sorry that happened, Phil."

Phil's whole body shook but he continued talking.

"And when I got home that night..I went to the kitchen and I was getting myself some water when my eyes caught the knives...I told myself it was wrong but the thought wouldn't leave my mind. I told myself that it would only be the one time but it wasn't Dan. It wasn't, and now I can't stop. I-I can't. And I thought I had control."

I was speechless.

All Phil and I could do was hold each other and cry.