Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

31

Phil's POV-
Brush your teeth.

Wipe your mouth.

Wash your face.

Nobody will ever know.

I sat on the bathroom floor a few more moments after I had finished emptying out what little was left in my stomach. I felt a bit dizzy and when I stood up my I began to feel lightheaded. Never the less I began cleaning myself up. I brushed my teeth and used mouthwash. Then after I washed my face, clearing my skin of the sweat that pooled on my forehead. I looked to the toilet, flushing everything that layer stagnant in the water. I then sprayed just a bit of air freshener to mask any of the smells that might still flood the air.

When I left the bathroom I still felt lightheaded. I had read somewhere that by having a drink will sometimes trick your mind into thinking that it's full. So I thought that maybe that would help me become less dizzy. I went into the kitchen to fill a glass of water. As I drank I could feel all of the cold water. It felt cold as it slid down my throat and landed in my empty stomach. 

Nobody tells you how addicting it is to practice anorexic habits. 

Nobody ever tells you about the proud feeling that you get from knowing that your stomach is empty. Nobody ever tells you how light on your feet you feel from the high of not eating. Nobody ever tells you what it's like feel like you have complete control over your body. 

Everything about this seemed so wrong, but at the same time so right. 

I knew that it was wrong to be keeping all of this from Dan. I also knew somewhere in the back of my mind that what I was doing was completely unhealthy. But somewhere in my mind all of that horrible eating disorder information disappeared.

I heard a knock at the door and I began to panic. I picked up my phone and checked it, making sure that Dan hadn't been texting me and attempting to check up on me. I didn't want PJ to be my babysitter. I felt relieved when my phone was blank as I turned it on. 

I went to the front door and opened it, a bit annoyed when I did see PJ standing outside. I had thought that he was only coming over in the case that Dan was worried about me. Suddenly I began to feel defensive towards him. 

"I'm okay," I said, rather aggressively. I stood right in the doorway, not allowing any room for PJ to enter our apartment. 

"I don't doubt that." PJ said in a cheerful tone. "Can I come in?" 

"Did Dan send you?" I asked, still blocking the doorway. 

"I just wanted to come by and say hello. I haven't seen you in quite a while and wanted to see my pal!" He said, adjusting his glasses back to their proper spot on his nose. 

"Okay," I said. I wasn't completely positive that Dan hadn't send PJ. But after all he was still my friend and I honestly did want to see him. I moved out of his way and he came right in. After he took his jacket and shoes off I led him up to the lounge. 

For a few moments we both awkwardly sat on the sofa together. We were both silent, just staring at the floor. I looked up at him. In all the years that I had known him he had never had any drastic change to him. He always wore nice sweaters and skinny jeans. I had always admired the way that he always seemed so cheerful. 

"How are you doing, Phil?" He said, breaking the silence between us. I knew that he was referring to my mental health. The last time that we had seen each other was towards the end of my hospital stay. I cuffed my hand around my arm, right where I had cut my wrist. Thinking back on those days made me suddenly feel embarrassed. 

"I'm doing really well. Dan has even left the bathroom door open for me today," I said, trying to make a joke. 

"Wow, improvements!" 

We stayed quiet once again, both of us trying to figure out what to say to each other again. 

"Phil?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I see them?" He asked me. From the moment that he asked me the question I knew what he meant. He wanted to see my scars. But I didn't want to show them to him. Dan was the only person that I had been comfortable enough to wear short sleeves around since the incident. I tried to think of an excuse to say no, but I couldn't think of anything. 

"I-uh...okay." 

I began pulling up the sleeves of my shirt up. I hadn't examined my arm carefully in a long time. Suddenly my bare arms were revealed. Both were still very pale and my veins were very obvious. From right above my wrist to my elbow was riddled in purple scars. Some were very small and almost healed. Other spots were elevated and wide. PJ's eyes widened when they set on the biggest scars of them all, the spots from the incident. The cuts were still not completely healed and there were large marks from where my skin had been stapled together. 

"Oh my god." PJ's eyes changed from being bright and cheerful to being a bit sad. "I'm so sorry that you ever had to go through this, Phil." 

"It's alright." I said, yanking down my sleeve once again before he could say anything else. 

~