Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

27

Dan's POV-
Ever since I had gotten an email from, Growing Hearts, the charity had been on my mind. I knew that whatever they wanted me to be apart of would probably mean I'd either be traveling or spending more of my time outside of the apartment. And away from Phil.

We were sitting in the lounge. Phil was sitting on the floor, leaning against my legs. I sat on the couch, my MacBook laying on top of my legs. I hesitated as I opened my email for business inquiries and found the email I had gotten from Jane.

Dear Jane,

Hello! Thank you so much for considering me to be apart of your lovely program. I'm very interested in helping in any way that I can. You can reach me via this email or through my management. I will link all of their's and my contact information in a file below.

Again, thank you so much!

Daniel J. Howell

As I typed my responding email back I couldn't help but wonder if I was making the right choice.

Is this the right time to start accepting business offers? How will this affect Phil? Phil just attempted suicide more than a few weeks ago. Is he okay to be spending time by himself? I haven't let him be in the bathroom by himself yet. Will he be okay? Is what I'm doing okay?

"Phil?"

"Yes?"

"Can we talk?" I asked him. He looked up at me as I patted the sofa cushion next to me. He stumbled a bit as he stood up from the floor and threw himself into the seat. He rest his chin on my shoulder and looked at the screen of my laptop, trying to figure out what I had been up to.

I put my computer onto the floor and turned towards Phil. I tried to think of the right way to approach a conversation like this with him. We had talked before but they never seemed to go well. Either Phil would get upset and do something rash or he would go completely silent.

"Can we talk about you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" He asked me. He stretched the sleeves of his jumper over his fists and clenched his hands together.

"I want to talk about your mental health...and I don't want you to get upset."

Phil fiddled with himself for a few seconds; scratching the back of his head, pulling at his shirt, and rubbing his forehead. At last he seemed to relax and said, "okay."

"Do you..do you think that you're getting better?" I asked him.

"I'm not going to cut myself if that's what you mean."

"Phil." I could tell that, even though he agreed to talk without getting upset, was very self conscious.

"Do you really think I'd be that stupid? No, I'm not going to fucking cut myself. How could I even do that when you hide every goddamn thing in this house from me?" He raised his voice a bit. I looked at him in surprise and tried to keep myself calm. I felt like breaking down into tears.

I stayed silent.

"Do you really even love me like you say? Do you trust me like you say that you do? When you ask me questions like that it doesn't seem like you do. Fuck that and fuck you for not believing in me. You think I'm a fuck up just as much as I do."

It's healthy for him to vent his feelings.

But...

Is Phil okay?