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Modest is NOT Hottest:

by Confessions of a Teenage Bride

Growing up in a materialistic world is a challenge, I won't sugar coat it. Pretty much all of my self esteem issues can stem back to those moments I unwisely compared myself to some unrealistic expectation found on a magazine or makeup add, of what I should look like.

The fashion industry called for shorter shorts, and lower necklines; a bigger chest and thinner legs; perfectly shaped eyebrows, and a pencil thin waist. I was told constantly exactly what I needed to look like to be hot, to be desired, and to be sexy to my male counterparts.   

Well, there was one problem. I, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, believed in modesty. And pretty much 9 out of 10 outfits on the ads around me were anything but modest. This being considered, you can imagine my happiness when I first heard the phrase "Modest Is Hottest" at my Young Women church meeting. The idea that I could be modest AND hot was pretty appealing.

Or so it seemed.

It's been many years since I first heard that phrase, and I would like to share something I have learned after a combination of mistakes along with a whole chunk of trial and error on my part:

Modest Is NOT Hottest.

I'm coming out and telling you something I was never told, because it is something that needs to be understood.

If you want to be "hot" if you want to be "sexy" if you want to be "eye candy" you will not find that while keeping your shorts long, and necklines high.

Seductive eyes and enhanced body parts are "hot".

Exposed stomachs and push up bras are "hot".

The teeny tiny bikini your mom would not let you buy is "hot".

Unblemished, soft, hairless, skin showing bodies are "hot".

The idea that we can be virtuous and walk around looking "hot" at the same time does not add up.

It does not happen.

We as women want to be loved, we want to be valued, we want someone to surprise us with roses, and write us cute love songs on their guitar, we want to be in love with a man we can call our best friend. But somewhere along the way we have been falsely led to believe that in order to be loved... in order to be valued, we need to be sexually appealing and that if we are appealing, that love we seek will come to us.

I've searched countless websites that defined the word "hot" in relation to women. Adjectives like "very good looking," "sexy," "easy on the eyes," "sexy clothes," "enticing," "intense sexual desire," came up. Not once did anyone connect "hot" with the desire to take a girl on a long walk, or to take her out just to get to know her asking nothing in return at the end of the date.

So, to the girls who inch up your skirt just a little higher than you should... To the girls who pull that shirt down a little too low... To the girls who give a little more than you should be giving, thinking you will get that love you so desperately desire, only to be told "it's not you, it's me" and left wanting what you gave back, feeling confused and broken...

Please listen to me.

I was once you.

I know what it is like to enjoy the attention I would get from the boys I knew. To hear my name be whispered among them, and feel set apart from other girls.

But I also know what its like to want to know deep inside if anyone would love me for "me" and not just how I look or the shape of my body.

I once found pleasure in being wanted, in being told I was hot. I once was willing to lower my standards a little bit every now and then to get approval from a cute boy.

I regret those moments. . . with my whole soul.

Because I know something now that I did not understand then. Something that if I did understand then... Would have prevented me from even the faintest desire to be that girl everyone wanted in that way.

I know what its like to be in love with my best friend. I know what it is like to have someone love every silly little part of me, even the ones that may annoy him at times. I know how good it feels to be told I am beautiful--even if I don't think I am. I know what it is like to laugh every day, even the bad ones, because he knows how to make me smile even when I'm hurting. I know how special it is to look at the man I love and see him looking back... every time.

But do you know what else I know? I know how hard it is to watch him live in a world full of sexual pollution and immodesty. I know how frustrating it is to be a wife in a world were girls seem to dress with less each year. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I know that every single guy is going to be affected in some way by the exposure around him.

Some will embrace it, seek it, and enjoy it. They will give you attention, they will make you feel special, and they will tell you how much they want you. And they will continue to tell you everything you want to hear, making you believe that they really care. But, once they get what they came for they will be content because they did not want anymore than that.  

But girls, I can promise you one thing. The guy you are going to want to be with, the guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, is not going to be found with that mini skirt and low cut neckline. Because a guy like that will be saving his eyes only for you and because he is saving his eyes only for you, he will avoid people who make that very hard for him.

Don't be one of those people.

If you aren't congratulations--you are much wiser than I was sometimes. And, if you are please change.

Please change for yourself: you are worth much more than that. Do not think for one second that your value lays in the amount of guys who find you physically attractive.

Please change for the wives: the wives around you who you frustrate greatly (trust me, you do). Change for the wife who you eventually will be... Who if you don't understand what I'm saying now, will when you get married.

Please change for him: the man you will marry. Because to catch that guy I know and hope you want to catch and the guy you truly deserve, you need to be much more than a pretty face.

Maybe the problem is that we are trying too hard to be hot when we need to work on being beautiful.

Because a beautiful girl, one that is physically a mystery is much more appealing in the long run than the girl who bares it all.

There is a time and place to be hot, to be desired and to be sexy. And its not in the grocery store, at work, or at school. A truly wonderful man, who will treat you well, and love you forever, will want you to be beautiful for the whole world to see!

But... he will want you to be hot... only for him.

Save it for him.