A Love Renewed

10 | Blame Game

Somehow he did it. He convinced me to go on this tour with him and I was scared shitless. I was trying to think of the positives, I get to spend more time with him and watch him do what he does best on a daily basis. That alone was enough to make me say yes.

The first show I felt was a mess on my part. I was so nervous I nearly missed my cue and I know how big he is on perfection when it comes to his show. After a couple shows, Sheila picked up on my insecurities and gave me some advice; "Let's try something ok? Next show, when you come out just focus on me. Don't even look at the crowd. Look at me and we'll have our own little party, like we're in the middle of your Tia's living room just dancing around for fun" At first I thought "yea right", like I could ignore all of those people screaming and singing along. But it actually worked, she's so good at what she does that I honestly was so enamored when she would start to play that I forgot all about them.

Only a few moves were actually rehearsed and choreographed, the rest was just me doing my thing like I've done my whole life. Many times I'd forget that I was actually on stage because Sheila and I would just have a ball up there. Prince loved it and he fed off of our energy. He initially wasn't supposed to be on stage for her set, but a couple times we were having so much fun and she was going in on the drums so hard he couldn't help but get up there and keep the party going with us.

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror of the hotel we were staying at for the night. We were already smack dab in the middle of the tour and I couldn't believe how fast it was going. We had a day off before heading to the next city and Prince agreed to do a quick phone interview regarding the tour. I was tired and preferred to stay and relax a bit which he didn't mind. I'm not used to the busy tour life, I don't know how they do it.

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I lifted my shirt and stared at the flat stomach in my reflection. I placed my hand on it with sorrow, knowing that there was nothing there. I hadn't been feeling well for the past week and was a few days late, so naturally I thought maybe we had another happy accident growing inside of me.

However as I looked over in the trashcan at the 3 negative pregnancy tests, I realized it wasn't what I thought. I slipped away and picked up a few tests from the pharmacy down the street just to be sure. Maybe I'm just stressed and exhausted from the tour. I didn't mention it to P because I didn't want to get his hopes up, I didn't want him to feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I sighed in defeat and just as I was pulling my shirt back down…

"Riley"

I quickly looked up and my heart started to pound. There he stood in the bathroom doorway, his eyes darting from my face to my stomach. I couldn't tell if he was concerned, shocked, happy...either way I knew I had to quickly explain myself.

"Are you..?" he asked with his eyes still glued to my stomach. God what is he doing back so soon?! I didn't want him witnessing this. I didn't want him to know I even suspected it.

"No" I said softly and shook my head. The look of hopelessness that washed over his face was enough to bring me to tears. It broke my heart, and this was exactly what I was trying to avoid. "I wasn't feeling well and just...I just wanted to be sure"

"...I'm calling a Doctor to come see you tonight"

"Babe, no" I knew he was still hanging onto a glimmer of hope and I didn't want him staying in that head space. He walked over to me and I grabbed his face gently kissing his cheek. "I took a few tests, there's no need"

"Well either way, you're obviously not feeling well so I'm calling a Doctor"

"Fine" I knew I wasn't going to win this one "But just don't expect him to find something that's not there ok?"