Coffee at 5 AM √

Chapter 8 ∞ Connor: Light

∞♡∞

And so the boy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was finally getting everything he wanted. It almost seemed to be too easy, and the thought that something would go wrong sent a weird feeling spiraling through his chest.

I'm standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean. I can't tell you exactly which cliff it is, but it's big and beautiful. My date with Ella is in exactly two hours and twenty-six minutes. I have no idea what to expect, and to be honest I kind of didn't want her to plan this date, our first date. I'm not sexist or anything, there's nothing wrong with girls planning the date, it's just that now I can't prepare myself. My plans for what to do if something goes wrong won't work.

Maybe this will make it easier to understand:

I'm scared. As shit.

I pick up a rock and throw it as far as I can. That stone represents this new part of my life, it'll either bounce off the surface of the ocean, or it'll sink. I'm just scared of messing up. I've already hurt Ella once, I don't want to do it again. She's so perfect, in a totally-non-perfect way, and I'm, well... me. My biggest fear is that she'll see that. That one day she'll wake up and realize that I'm not good enough. I know it sounds silly, I've only known her for a few days, but I really like her. I do not, however, like the way she makes me feel, which is out of control. When I'm with Ella, it's like my exterior, the one I've been building for years, just crumbles. It's like she can see right through me, there's no use in bullshitting with her.

I sit down on a bench nearby, thoughts running around in my head. What do I say when I pick her up? Hello there! Yeah, why don't you just add an awkward wave in there too? This isn't the only thing I'm scared of. My depression is one of my worst fears. I was diagnosed with it when I turned fourteen, which means I've had it for more than three years. I had always been a chirpy, happy teenager with a bunch of friends always coming over. Next thing I knew, I wasn't in the mood to have any friends over, I didn't want to do anything and I absolutely wasn't chirpy. At first, my parents thought it was a faze, but after I had spent an entire week in my room just staring at the ceiling they knew something was up.

Personally, I don't remember the time before, or the 'good time' as it's often referred to by my therapist. Yes, gold star to you, my therapist does suck. Anyway, all I remember is Dave Stiles, aka my childhood best friend, choosing to play video games as George's house instead of buying ice cream with me.

People with depression aren't psychopaths, there are still things that hurt us and things that can make us happy. The difference between someone with depression and no depression is that the odds are we know something that others don't, which is this; once you've started sinking, it's so easy to just let yourself drown.

♡

"You look ravishing."

"Wow, English please!" she laughs. I join her.

"Where are we going?"

Ella grabs my hand and leads me down the street. "Patience, young padawan."

I rub my thumb in circles against her palm. "Don't kill me, but I've never seen a Star Wars movie..."

Suddenly she stops. At first, she just stands there, and it feels like someone's hit the pause button on life. Is there a fast forward too? Once she turns to face me, she's wearing a disgusted expression. I know I've done something, I must've. She looks at me intensely and slowly says, "You've never seen a Star Wars movie?" I shake my head. "Then I guess I know what we're doing on our next date."