Coffee at 5 AM √

Chapter 19 ∞ Ella: Apologies

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"You sat on the curb?" Chad exclaims as he dries off the counter. "Ha! What a gentleman he is, eh? Leavin' ya there like that?"

I shrug. "I actually think he has good reason to," Chad looks at me with pity as I take a sip of my coffee. "Still hurts."

♡

I sit in the school parking lot for at least an hour, debating what to do. Jess and Adam haven't talked to me all day, and I really miss them, but I'm just too ashamed to talk to them. Thoughts swarm my head. Acting like a coward won't get me anywhere, and as much as I hate admitting I'm wrong, I have to. If I don't I'll never forgive myself, and that's worse than Jess and Adam not doing so. Before I start driving I send a text to my dad, telling him I have to do this.

Once outside Adam's house, I realize this is going to be a lot harder than I thought, and I mean, Adam's the nicer of the two. I guess he's also the more pure-hearted as well, so compared to him I'm Satan himself. But stalling never made things easier. I step out of my car, take a deep breath, and knock on the door. Boy am I surprised when Jess opens, meaning I have to face them both at the same time.

She scratches her neck and sighs when she sees me. "You. Want me to get Adam? Are you planning on seducing him or some shit?"

"No, I, uh, actually want to talk to you both..." she's very keen on making eye contact, which I am not.

Just a second later Adam appears at the door as if he's sensed my presence. "Ella."

"I'm just going to talk, whether you listen or not is your choice. I'm sorry for everything I've done, it's wrong, all of it. I haven't been acting all mean because of my sleep, I've been mean because I am mean. I ditched the two of you because I fell in love with this guy I don't deserve, so I pushed you away because I... because I wanted to mess things up. I understand that you're both angry and, dare I say, hurt, but I want you to know that I didn't do any of it because I was mad at you or at anything you did. Nothing I've done the past weeks has been about you, it's been about me. I think I got tired of living the same life I've always lived, and I was just curious what would happen if I changed things up. Just, uh, know that I'm sorry and that I wish I could take it back. And one more thing. Even if you guys decide to forgive me, I'm not sure we should be friends again, I'm not sure I deserve that."

Before they can say anything, I run to my car and speed off. There are tears in my eyes, both the sad kind and the other kind. It's sad knowing I was willing to treat people I care about like that just because I couldn't handle my shit. Hopefully, I'm different now, that way I can start anew.

My parents are in the kitchen when I get home. Neither of them acknowledges me, so I clear my throat.

"Hey, Ella."

And the tears start falling. I sob loudly and uncontrollably, and my parents turn toward me with surprise.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry!" I manage to choke out. "I-I didn't mean any of it. I love you guys, I'm sorry..."

And nothing has ever felt as good as the tight hug the three of us share after. We stand there for a long time, time that cannot possibly be long enough. The feeling of having the windows rolled down while driving on the freeway comes to me; your hair blowing all over the place, the little pressure on your chest that pushes you back against the car seat, the feeling of absolute freedom. I'm free now, I can finally be free. And I don't need other people, I don't need Jess, or Adam, or Connor, just me. Now if they tag along that's cool, but they don't need to for me to be happy.

Although it feels unlikely they should do so, because Connor doesn't show for breakfast the next day either.

♡

Adam and Jess look at me in shock, and anger, as I approach them. "Hey, you two..."

"What the hell?" Jess states at my jeans for what feels like minutes. "What are you wearing?"

"About that-"

"Is that a newspaper under your arm? And since when do you wear glasses"

I take a deep breath, gathering strength. "The Ella the two of you have known for the past three and a half years is not who I am. This," I say, gesturing at my glasses and the newspaper, "is who I am."

Jess scoffs. "No, no... funny joke, Ella. My best friend likes Pan!c At The Disco, and YA books, a-and tight, modern clothes. Clothes that actually show off your curves and are flattering. Drop the act!"

I take a step away from them, dreading their reactions to what I'm about to say. "I like The Beatles, and history books, and comfortable clothes. I'd wear sweats to school if I were totally socially incompetent."

"What are you talking about...?" Jess says, shaking her head.

"I've been pretending to be someone I'm not for way too long. I was afraid that no one would like me, that I'd be alone," tears sting my eyes, threatening to spill at any given moment. "But I can't do that anymore. This is who I am, a geek when it comes to a lot of things. I'm sorry about how I've treated you this past year, I'm so sorry... But I thought it was important for you to know, aside from the things I said the other day."

Jess refuses to meet my gaze, staring into the marble floor. She's still shaking her head in denial, and when she finally brings her eyes to meet mine, she looks disgusted.

"I can't believe you lied to me like this! I can't do this, Ella, I just can't. Have a good life..." she takes off down the corridor, running as fast as her skinny legs will take her.

I start after her, but I'm held back by Adam. "Jess, wait!"

He gives me a weird look, one I don't recognize.

"Do you hate me too?"

He smiles. "Never. How could I hate a stranger?"

It hits me hard, knocking the air out of my body. But then he extends his hand, chuckling slightly. "I'm Adam."

I take his hand, laughing. "Ella," we walk down the hallway towards homeroom, and I shove him lightly. "You had me scared to death back there, idiot."

"Eh, you deserved it," he jokes, poking my shoulder. "Now, tell me about yourself."

∞♡∞

Published 3/4-2019

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Apologies