Coffee at 5 AM √

Chapter 17 ∞ Ella: Sleepless

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My mother looks at me with that crazy spark in her eyes. I know I should just back down, but that mean little voice in the back of my mind tells me to keep going.

"I'm almost eighteen, you can't keep babying me forever."

My dad sighs. "Ella Mo Cliff, you are seventeen years of age, you live under our roof, and until you don't, you tell us where you are and where you're going. You listen to us and live by our rules."

"That's not fair! I didn't ask to be your daughter. Why do you hate me?"

"God, are you even listening to yourself, Ella? Of course we don't hate you! Do you remember that time I had to work late, and you didn't know where I was? You were staying home alone, you were probably twelve, and I was in a meeting, so I wasn't answering my phone. Do you remember?"

I shook my head.

"Well, you got really scared. When I got home you yelled at me for an entire hour. I have never felt so guilty before."

"So?" I question, glaring at her.

"That's how I felt last night. How was I supposed to know for sure you'd just snuck out? That you were okay? What if you'd been attacked or assaulted, Ella?" Mom started crying. "How was I supposed to know that you weren't in a ditch somewhere, half dead? Or that some creepy old man had you locked up in his basement?"

"Then why are you so angry?"

"Because I love you!"

"Oh please," I roll my eyes and start walking to my room. "I'll be grounded for the next two weeks, now do me a favor and fuck off!"

I slump down on my bed, trying not to pay any attention to the whispers and sobs coming from the living room. My head's spinning and I feel like I'm going to throw up. It bothers me how easy it was to treat my parents that way, and it bothers me even more that I didn't mean a word of what I said. I get why they're angry, and I know that they love me, and I don't want them to fuck off. But telling them that seems impossible, it doesn't feel like the normal teenage thing to do. It seems wrong. I seem wrong. Teenagers argue with their parents all the time, both Jess and Adam tell me that all the time, so maybe if I keep this up I'll be like them. Once that happens we can all be friends again, they'll love me.

I grab the bottle of whiskey from under my bed stare at it. This thing contains a little demon, and if you're strong enough you might be able to kill it. Problem is, I'm not strong.

I pull on a black hoodie and put on my glasses, then I walk into the kitchen and grab the trash. My dad's there too, making dinner. I avoid looking him in the eyes, I don't think I can.

"Hey... uhm, I'm just going to take out the trash. Figure I should at least do one good thing today."

He doesn't look up from chopping tomatoes. "Okay. You gonna run off to Colorado while you're at it?"

Biting my lip, I whisper, "No."

"Cool. If you're not back in ten I'm coming after you."

I take my time going down the stairs. Both my brain and my body are exhausted, and I don't think I can take rushing right now. The air outside is cool and thin, just perfect. Breathing hasn't felt this easy in a long time. After throwing the trash into the dumpster my hand goes to the Jack Daniel's bottle tucked under my hoodie. I pull it out and unscrew the lid. It smells like bad decisions and addiction, and I like it. Then, staring at the dark liquid in the pretty bottle, I pour it all out on the ground, every last drop. As the last of the whiskey splashes onto the pavement, I throw the bottle into the dumpster and smile.

"I'm not strong, but this demon won't be the one that takes me down," I stick my hand into my pockets and look up at the star-speckled sky. "Let's set fire to it all and see what doesn't burn."

♡

I walk down the hallway and dry some of the sweat off my forehead.

"Connor? How are you?"

"Well, I'm not-"

I sigh. "My parents are dickheads! They grounded me after the concert."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, I came home late and they didn't know where I'd been-"

"You didn't tell them? They're going to hate-"

"Of course I didn't tell them! Mom, Dad, I'm going to a concert with my boyfriend and I won't be home until two in the morning. Anyway..." I hear the depression back in his voice, and I ignore it on purpose. I care about him, I care about him so much, but I can't deal with this today. I need to blow everything up.

"I'm kind of in a bad moo-"

"And I mean, Jess and Adam aren't really helping. They're still mad at me, even though I was in the hospital. I know I was mean, but that's not who I am..."

"Of course not! You're amazing, you'd never hurt anyone on purpose."

"Exactly. Thank you, Connor."

"Now, I wanted to-"

"I'm sorry, I can't talk anymore. I'm grounded. But I'll see you soon. Bye!"

The line goes dead before he can say anything. I run a frantic hand through my hair as my locker pops open. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting him, and I know I'm doing that.

"Hey," Jess says from behind me. "Are you still in mega bitch mode?"

"Jess," Adam hisses.

"What?" she sighs. She raises her eyebrows at me when I turn to face her. "So, are you?"

She snorts at the eye roll I respond with. "I was never in bitch mode. Jeez."

"Well, I beg to differ. You've been acting like a brat, and you've been treating me like crap. I'm willing to forgive you if you own up to it."

"Own up to what? Being honest? Being tired? Fainting in the school parking lot?" I pick up my phone and start pretend texting, just to piss her off.

"I thought I knew you, Ella Cliff," Adam says forlornly. "But you're just an insecure, jealous little girl, and your true colors are really showing."

"That's not who I am! My sleep-"

I feel as if I've been smashed into a brick wall. Why the realization's coming now and not earlier remains a mystery. There's a reason for my surge of bad emotions over the past months. It's not my parents, or Jess and Adam, or the lack of sleep; it's me. I'm the cause of my own problems. I'm constantly worried about things that shouldn't matter, as my reputation, for example. And though it's not his fault, Connor's always on my mind. There's the constant concern for his mental health and the fact that I was sure he was going to try to kill himself just a couple of weeks ago. And then there's the usual you always think about whenever you have a boyfriend; is he going to break up with me? Am I interesting enough? And so on. I want to apologize, I want to hug them and tell them they're right and I'm wrong, and I want to go back to being normal. But what's said is said.

"Your sleep? That's not even- God, I don't even know what to say... get a new friend, because I can't be yours anymore," Adam stomps off, disappearing around the corner within a few seconds.

Jess looks between me and the hallway in an inner struggle. "Shape up girl, or you'll lose everyone."

And then she too leaves, and I'm alone. It's like I'm sleepwalking, but I know I'm not. I've been sleepless for months.

∞♡∞

Published 3/4-2019

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Sleepless