∞♡∞
The boy lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He'd locked his bedroom door, and although the scratching of claws on the other side was rather loud, he'd blocked out the sound long ago. He did not know how long it had been, but he knew it was a while. And he was scared, awfully scared, because he knew he was supposed to be happy, but he wasn't. He was empty.
A tear runs down my cheek, slowly enough to cause an itch. I wipe it away slowly, and my arms scream in pain. Life is tiresome when it's like this, slow and uneventful. What bugs me is that not even a kiss from Ella, who literally has my heart in her hands right now, made me feel better. It came yesterday morning, like a black hole in the pit of my stomach. It was there when I woke up, and when I went grocery shopping, and even when I kissed Ella. Now the black hole has grown into the largest void I've had so far, and within a matter of two days. Depression is always painful, it hurts pretty much everywhere, but this is gruesome, barbaric. Even the tiniest of movements hurt. When I reach for a pen and my sketchbook, it feels like someone's ripping my arm off. Of course, the pain isn't really there, I only imagine it is. The physical pain is easier to take than the pain I feel when listening to what's going on inside my mind. I'll have to, eventually, that's the only way to beat it. You look the monster in its sinister, red eyes, and it smiles as if it knows you're afraid. Slowly, the shadowy creature takes shape, and it's you, it's always you. My monster always slithers its hands around my throat, choking me just enough that it hurts, but not enough to actually kill me. And then, the dagger appears. And I can choose to slay my monster, to take a real breath after months of struggling, laugh genuinely at a joke, or, I can kill myself and be free of the pain forever. Kill or be killed.
For me the choice is easy, I'm fortunate one might say. I don't want to die; easy. So I keep fighting, no matter what.
With a shaky hand, I pick up my phone and slowly dial Ella's number. She picks up right after the first signal.
"Hey, boyfriend, what's up?"
I hold back a sob. "Uhm, I'm not feeling so good."
Tears blur my vision, which is silly considering I'm not even sad. There's no way of being sad when you don't feel anything.
"Connor, what's wrong? Your voice is all shaky," her tone has changed, and she sounds so much like my mother I want to laugh, but within a second it doesn't seem funny anymore.
"It hurts, Ella. It hurts. You can't even imagine how much it hurts. Do you have any idea what I can do to get rid of it?" I groan, letting myself snivel.
Ella let's out a worried gasp. "What hurts, Connor? I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. Where are you? I'm coming!"
"No, no, I'm not hurt physically. I'm at home," I say, shaking my head as if she can see me.
"Thank god," she sighs.
"I'm taking a walk, maybe that'll help."
She's quiet, but I can hear her breathing. "Fine, but you're bringing your phone. Let me access your location, okay? Just in case anything happens. And I'm calling you in twenty minutes to make sure you're okay."
I must sound seriously fucked up, I realize, for I've never heard her so on edge before. I sound so fucked up, in fact, that my girlfriend thinks I'm going to kill myself.
I need something else to focus on. The insides of my eyelids don't look particularly black today, they're more like the color that water puddles on concrete are.
"You can track me, that sounds good. I'll see you... in twenty minutes," I pant.
"Good. Have a nice walk, and don't you dare go anywhere near those cliffs. I'll kill you myself if you even think about it. Now, bye"
YOU ARE READING
Coffee at 5 AM √
Teen Fiction"Wait," I put my hands on my hips and frown. "You woke me up to ask me this? Because you want to meet me every morning at five?" "Yes." "So you honestly expect me to throw away three hours of perfectly good sleep just to have coffee with you?" He r...
