Coffee at 5 AM √

Chapter 18 ∞ Connor: Gone

∞♡∞

The boy felt crushed under the weight of the world. His beautiful dream had ignored him, sending him into a deep state of confusion. He'd buried himself in his homework to forget about her, but that seemed impossible when she was in everything he saw.

"Connor?"

I keep my eyes trained on my computer. "Not now, Stella... I'm doing homework."

I feel her blinking at me. "Connor."

"Not. Now."

"Connor!"

"What!" I yell, turning in my chair. "I'm busy, Stella! Or can't you see that, are you suddenly blind?"

Tears well up in her eyes. "I'm sorry..."

She runs off and I realize what I've done a second too late. "No, Stella, wait! Damn..."

I lean back in my chair, wondering why I'm the way I am. I've been thinking about the people in my life and how I affect them, and I'm not sure that area is as good as I want it to be. Like, why do I keep bothering Ella with my problems? Or refuse to try one of my dad's cupcakes? It's not like I want to be selfish, yet I keep acting as if the world revolves around me.

I shrug my coat on and lace up my Vans. "I'm going on a walk, I'll be back before nine."

"Okay, dude!" my mom answers.

My feet carry me all the way to the playground my parents used to take me to as a kid. I sit down on the now way too small swing, rocking myself gently. As a child, I only remember being happy. I don't remember my exact thoughts on life, or why I was so annoyingly happy, but I remember that's what I felt; an eternal, pure, happiness. My biggest wish is to recall what made me the way I did so that I could find that and make myself innocent and cheery again. I want my parents to look at me and feel no worry or empathy, like they did when I was six and learned how to ride a bike. Or when I was ten and won a bunch of candy in an art competition. They don't see that anymore. They see a sad boy, no, an empty boy. They see a shell who has no idea what purpose it has anymore. They see the hours spent staring at the ceiling without a thought going through his head. All my mother can see is the time I seemed to let her voice fade away by the cliff, how I refused to leave. And what my father imagines is me looking intently at his subscription pills. The only thing I ask is that we all forget those things, let them go. At least that way I can start building myself again, start anew. But of course, that won't ever happen. Parents don't just forget that their kid lost his will to live and had to go through intense therapy to get it back.

I leave the playground, along with the bad memories, and the good, because they create new bad ones that I'd rather be without.

Next, my feet carry me to a place I'd forgotten about; Smith Field Little League Park. Dad and I used to take Stella here when she was really little. We'd throw her super gentle balls, so easy even I could hit them, and she'd still miss. Neither of us thought she'd grow to be really good at that stuff. Seriously, she's so good that a few scouts have had their eyes on her. I wouldn't be surprised if she makes the big leagues one day. Imagine that, having a famous sister. Stella's lovely, I don't give her enough credit. She's so smart for a ten-year-old. Well, smart isn't even really the right word. She's a thinker, she doesn't just accept things as they are. I always make our story times such a big deal, but those are some of my favorite moments. Reading to her is like watering a really dry plant, and that brings me my favorite kind of happiness,

Lastly, I go to the cliffs. I know I shouldn't be here, it's too risky, but I need it, I need to be as close to death as one can get without dying. I stand at the edge, looking down at the wild water. The wind blows my jacket from my sides and tangles my hair, and I feel like I'm flying. I think about what Ella said about me staying away from cliffs, and I think about how easy it would be. There's no need for jumping, I just need to fall. Leaning forward would suffice, really. I'd be gone, just like I was never here. The police would find my body and the school would have some kind of seminar. People would read about it in the newspaper and be sad, but pretty soon they'd forget. Mom and dad would never get over that. They'd blame themselves. Stella would miss our bedtime stories and remember our last conversation as some sort of trigger. And Ella, god, she'd think it was her fault for not doing more thorough checkups on me. Slowly I back away from the edge, smiling a little.

"I think you might really be dead this time."

When I get home I call everyone into the living room for a family meeting. They stare at me in confusion and Stella rubs her eyes. It's way past her bedtime, but I think she needs to hear this.

"I need to talk to you guys really bad. I'll take you first, Stella, that way you can go to bed."

She yawns. "Thanks."

"No problem, sis. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I forgot you, and that I yelled earlier. I'm sorry for always complaining about bedtime stories and for missing your game last Tuesday. You're my only sister, and I love you so much. Seriously, you're the best, and I know for sure you'll get scouted," I get down on one knee. "Do you forgive me?"

Without a moment of hesitation, she jumps off the couch and hugs me. We stay like that for two whole minutes before she pulls away, her big, innocent, eyes smiling at me.

"Can I go to bed now?"

I nod and chuckle as she hurries into her bedroom. "Dad, I should've taken your cupcake the other day. I really wanted it, so I'm not sure why I was being such a jerk. And mom, I'm so sorry for pushing you away when you were only trying to help. See, a few days ago I started feeling... bad again. I didn't want to tell you, because I know it hurts you so much, but I think I have to."

My mother covers her mouth with her hand and gasps. "Oh, honey..." she hugs me tight. "You can't not tell us these things because you're afraid we'll get hurt! I'd feel even worse if something bad happened to you because of that, okay?"

Dad joins us. "And if it makes you feel any better, there's still a cupcake in the fridge." We all laugh a little at my dad's joke, even though the situation is much too dark to do so.

We talk about other things for a little while, like how I feel about my childhood, or how I feel about basketball. I even tell them that I've been skipping school, and why. It feels so very nice, because they don't get angry or sad, they just look like they want to help, and like they're willing to listen.

My mom goes to bed before I do, and it's just me and my father left.

"So, I've been thinking... it's really nice to have a dad who understands," I say whilst nibbling on my cupcake.

He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I think most dads would just tell their son to walk it off, or toughen up, or something, but you don't."

He smiles a little. "Thank you, that confirmed the theory I had about me being the very best dad there is. No, but honestly, I'd never tell you that you were too weak or not masculine enough. You're my son, how could I not love you to infinity and beyond?"

I stare at him. "Did you just quote Toy Story?"

"Like I said, best dad in the world," he then yawns and kisses the top of my head. "I have to go sleep now before I actually die, but you stay up as late as you want, okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

"Night, dad."

Cooper nudges my leg and goes to sleep on my feet, and I get the feeling he forgives me too. Outside the sky's clear, and thousands of stars are visible. I take a deep breath, and finally, I breathe air instead of water.

♡

I sit in the sand and watch the clock on my phone switch to 5 A.M. and oddly enough, I feel no guilt or pain whatsoever. These past months I've done everything for Ella, and I just can't anymore. By helping her, I'm hurting myself, and I figure I'm already hurt enough.

My brain wonders if she'll think I'm gone for good, and I can't determine if she'd be right or not, because I haven't decided myself yet.

The boy threw a rock into the water, and it sank. The water crashed violently against the sand he was sitting on as if throwing the rock back. But when the water submerged, the boy was gone. You wouldn't ever see him again.

∞♡∞

Published 3/4-2019

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Gone