Caius's Mate

Twenty

Trigger Warning

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The next morning I awoke. Caius held me close. He kissed my neck gently. "Good morning love," he spoke very quietly. 

Numb. 

I was numb. 

"Good morning," I whispered. 

I felt everything and nothing at the same time. My heart hurt, I wanted it all to go away. 

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep, nothing else. 

"Do you want to go out today Izzy?" he asked. 

"No," I spoke very lowly, sounding off. 

"That's fine we can stay here," he kissed my cheek. 

I faced away from him. My heart pounding in my ears. Every second felt like an eternity. 

"Do you want me to make you something to eat? Breakfast in bed?" He asked.

"No, I'm not hungry," I sighed. 

Caius sighs. "What about juice? Do you want some apple juice? Or orange juice?" He asked. 

"No."

"Izzy," he paused, "Look at me."

"No."

"Damn it Izzy, talk to me," he sighs. 

"Caius... just go to work, I'm just going to stay in bed anyway," I sighed. 

"I'm not leaving you," he sighs. 

"I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I don't want to eat anything. Please Caius, I just want to sleep. I don't feel good," I whined, pulling the covers over my head. 

"What part of you doesn't feel good? Do you want me to take you to the--"

"No it's not that type. I just don't feel good. My heart hurts, my chest hurts. I feel everything and nothing. I just don't feel good," I whispered. "Please just let me sleep Caius." 

"Do you want to hurt yourself?" he asked. 

I didn't answer. 

"Izzy, I'm not mad." 

"Yeah, I do," I finally spat out. 

"Baby girl, I promise things are going to get better," he said. "Come here little one."

I sat up looking at him. His arms were open. I moved to him, climbing into his lap. "We can stay in here, sleep, watch movies. We will do whatever you want to do Izzy." 

I nodded, not making a sound. 

"Baby are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" He asked. 

"I... I'm not hungry. I just... I don't..." I whispered not having any appetite.

He nodded. "How about water, you need fluids. Will you drink some water for me?" he asked. 

I nodded. 

He got up. "Do you want Ice?" He asked. 

I nodded, sitting against the headboard, bringing my knees up to my chest. 

"I'll be right back baby," he said. 

"Okay," I whispered, tucking my head in my knees.

 I don't want to live anymore, and that thought alone scares me. I've never been this way before. I've always been happy. 

Tears formed as the thoughts came in. Jump out the window. Drown yourself. Slit your wrist. Slit your throat. 

"Caius," I called out, my body shaking. "Caius," I yelled, needing him, now. 

Caius came in with the glass of water, some panic in his eyes. "Izzy, whats wrong?" He sat the glass down rushing over. "Baby?"

"Caius... make it stop," I moved to him. 

"Make what stop baby?" He asked. 

"The thoughts, make them stop." 

"What thoughts? Izzy?" 

"They won't go away," I clung onto him. 

He rubbed my back. "Breathe," he said, "You're okay, you're safe." 

"Caius they won't go away... make them stop," I hid my head. 

"What thoughts? Tell me little one," he whispered holding me close to his chest. 

"The ones telling me to kill myself," I cried out. "Telling me to cut my wrist open, telling me to drown myself, telling me to jump out the window, telling me to slit my throat."

Caius went silent. 

"Caius," I cried, looking up at him. 

"Baby, think of me, think of us. Picture us getting married, having children. Imagine that baby girl," he whispered, his lips touching my forehead, kissing it. "Think of how happy we will be when we move out and go on our own. No one will able to tell us what to do. Think about that baby," his voice broke. 

I closed my eyes trying to imagine it, but I saw nothing. There was nothing. 

"Think about it Izzy, we will be so happy," he whispered rubbing my back. 

"What's wrong with me Caius," I looked up, seeing sorrow across his face. Tears in his eyes. 

"There's nothing wrong with you Izzy," he whispered, tears slipping out of his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with you baby," he said again.  "I love you so so much," he kissed the top of my head. "I promise to keep you safe. I promise I will help you through this. It's tough, but you can do it, I know you can. You're stronger than you think you are Izzy. You're so strong. You've been through so much, and that makes you strong. You have to fight. We both have to fight. We will fight together, we will fight the thoughts and we will beat the dragon that is inside your head. We will win Izzy, and afterwards, you will be stronger than you have ever been." 

"I love you Caius," I croaked out. 

"I love you Izzy," he whispered. 

"Please don't let me go," I whispered. 

"I wouldn't dare," he said, holding me close. 

I rested against his chest, tears silently falling. He moved his hand and ran it through my hair as he began to sing to me. His voice was soothing, calming. My eyes drooped down as I listened to his voice.  "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away. The other night dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear I was mistaken and I hung my head and I cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away."