the recovery project [2]

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fiona

his hands immediately fall from her hips, his body tensing. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, i should have asked."

"it's whatever," she rushes, and it comes out all wrong. she doesn't mean to blame him or make him feel guilty, but she's already failed at that, so she shuts his door and stands out in the humid air for a few minutes. fuck.

she returns to the car and slides into the driver's seat, starting it up and making her way to the countryside to elijah's house.

the silence is deafening.

"i'm sorry," elijah says again, fists clenched tightly against his thighs. he's angry, but it seems that it's aimed more st himself than anyone. "i know i should have—"

she interrupts. "it's fine. i'm just scared to get too close, afraid that if we ever do anything that way, you'll see—"

"well i can't!" he bursts, his voice rising several notches. "i can't fucking see, fiona!"

"that isn't what i meant—"

"and it isn't what i completely meant, either," he says bitterly. "but how do you think i feel, not being able to see? not being able to see the world, not being able to see you? or me? if you saw me for myself, if i gave my body to you, i would have nothing left to hide, don't you get that? i'm insecure, too, but i'm not going to let it control my relationship with you."

"they're insecurities, i can't just turn them off," she spits, foot pressing harder against the accelerator.

"i'm not asking you to! i'm asking you to trust me! i'm not your ex fiancé or your old boyfriend! i'm me, fiona! i'm elijah, and i'm blind and nowhere near as good as them, but i am still me, and i am still crazy in love with you despite the fact that we've only known each other for a few months, okay? i fucking love you—"

"don't say it if you don't mean it." her grip on the steering wheel has turned her knuckles white.

"i fucking meant it."

"you have no idea what you're talking about," she snaps, blood boiling.

"and you do?" he laughs, but it isn't full of happiness. "i'm not the one spouting out bullshit because i'm too scared to admit what i feel."

"you have no idea what i feel."

"yeah, i guess not."

he crosses his arms and turns his head away from her, clearly ending the conversation. she feels like shit, and she knows she should apologize, but the logical part of her is currently vacant.

"and how do i know you won't leave?" she asks randomly, trying to revive her pointless argument. "how do i know i won't lose you, too?"

"you don't! you will never know or be able to predict when or if you lose someone, but that does not mean that you have to be scared of letting someone in, because that's life! you will meet new people, and you will lose some! it doesn't mean that your life is over—"

"okay, you know what?" her blood boils, and she can't calm down. "it isn't easy to just—"