the recovery project [2]

4 2

aidan

he wipes his tears and looks up to see everett, panting slightly and cheeks like pomegranates with the cool weather. he hates him. "leave me alone."

everett's hand twitches slightly, as if wanting to reach out to wipe off aidan's face himself. "can we talk? about that night?"

"there's nothing to say," aidan clenches his teeth, freeing the other boy from his grip. he hates how weak he's been recently, hates how easily he lets his feelings continually control him. he used to be so levelheaded, and now... "you rejected me. i get it."

"i was wrong, okay? what i felt for fiona wasn't real, and you changed that, you made me realize that i l—"

"don't even think about saying it," he snaps. "you don't get to say you love me, because it's bullshit, okay? this entire thing is—"

"no, it isn't. i'm sorry if you refuse to believe it."

"how do you expect me to believe it?" his pitch his rising again, but he's having a troubling time to keep it down. a few people passing by glance in their direction, but he's too upset to notice. "how do you expect me to believe that you love me? i poured my fucking heart out to you, and you threw me out! i know it was wrong to kiss you when you were dating fiona, but you don't get to decide when you come back in my life because you broke up with her and are suddenly ready for someone new!"

"i've always loved you. you know that," everett breathes with a hint of pleading. he takes a cautious step toward and raises his hands in a sign of truce.

"you don't get to play me like a marionette, everett."

"that kiss meant everything to me."

aidan squeezes his eyes shut, and he's sure if he opens them he might start crying again. calm down, he tells himself, yet it isn't working. "shut up."

"i felt the love i had for you before resurface, and it would have been stupid of me to deny how i felt. i ended it with fiona, by the way. she knows i'm in love with you."

"stop saying that!" aidan slams the other boy against the bricks, hands wrapped around the tie of the apron wrapped around his neck. his teeth are bared and their faces nearly touch with the close proximity. "stop saying you're in love with me, when you have never been! if you loved me before, you wouldn't have tried to fucking leave me— l-leave this world! and if you love me now, you wouldn't have fucking rejected me!"

"you have no idea what it's like," everett speaks calmly, but rage, too, sparkles in his hazel eyes. "to be where i was during high school. i was deteriorating day by day, and while i tried holding on for you, us being in a relationship wouldn't just suddenly fix me. and now, i know you kissing me two months ago changed everything all over again between us, but that doesn't mean i'm just going to throw my life away for you. you don't get to make my decisions for me."

"you don't just get to throw your life away because things get hard," he fires back.

"since when do you control my actions? my feelings? how can i love you, aidan, when you have never once tried putting yourself in someone else's shoes? i felt alone, disgusting, worthless, and on top of it, i had beaten you up just to prove that we didn't like each other. i felt like a piece of shit."

"you were never alone," aidan lets go of him, backing away. it's getting hard to swallow again, his throat is thick with trying to swallow down another wave of tears. "you had me. you always had me. wasn't that enough to make you hold on?"

everett hastily swipes at his eyes, a hand running through his coarse blonde hair. "you don't understand. being completely alone and feeling completely alone are two different things."

aidan's done fighting. he starts walking away, because he hates this, because it's easier. he hates fighting, but the only thing he's been able to do lately is fuck more things up. "you're right, i don't understand."

"please don't leave," everett chokes on his words, and aidan's heart clenches even though it shouldn't. "don't walk away."

"why shouldn't i?"

"i l—"

"don't say it."

"no," everett doesn't wipe the tears rolling down his cheeks this time, and they roll, a few collecting at the corner of his mouth. "i want you to know that i said it, so you know that it's true, even if you hate me right now. i love you. i love you, aidan porter."

"i can't do this," aidan hiccups, craves to bring everett's face close to his, to kiss him, but it hurts too badly. "i can't do this again."

"just give me a chance, or... or tell me what to do. what can i do, aidan, to make this right?"

pretend we never met, but he knows that isn't what he wants. "just leave me alone. god, just— just leave me alone."

"okay," everett nods, assessing the situation even though it very clearly bothers him. "yeah, okay. got it. i get it."

"everything okay over here?" preston stands at the edge of the alley, arms crossed. he's glaring at everett, but not with hatred, just protection of his friend.

"yeah," aidan responds, and glances back at everett, with his uneven blonde hair and coffee-stained apron. "let's... go."