sworn to silence → lashton ✓

ten

Luke's POV

My phone buzzed in my pocket just as Ryan drove out of the school grounds, I saw it was from Calum and he was asking me who was driving. I didn't know what to say so I ignored him, hoping he wasn't too annoyed at me. I honestly didn't need him to get pissed off at me too, like Ashton; I don't think I could handle it.

Whilst Ryan was driving, I sat looking out of the window, wishing anything that I could be like the people I saw smiling. The ones that were happy and seemed content with life. I hadn't been like that since before Ryan happened and that was almost a year ago now, and my misery was only increasing. I was at the point where I thought about death a lot, how little people would care and how to actually end it. The idea of death sounded appealing to me and it makes me curious how I'd slipped so far in the space of a year, and it was all because of Ryan.

The pain I felt seemed to be never ending and Ryan only added to it but he didn't care, he honestly couldn't give a shit as long as I didn't tell anyone about what he did to me. He made me feel so worthless and like I deserved the pain.

Honestly, he made me question why I was still here. He made me believe that people don't care about me and that's why they don't notice what's going on and that's why I think they wouldn't care if I ended it. I could honestly see why they wouldn't care.

I stopped my thoughts when Ryan pulled up at his house, dread filled my body. Ryan got out of the car but I was frozen, he ended up angrily yanking me out of the car and then into the house.

"You are really determined to piss me off today aren't you?" Ryan said as he pushed me up against the door.

"I'm sorry."

"You really should be. You're in for some pain tonight." Ryan then smirked at me before pulling me upstairs. He then pushed me onto the bed. "It's going to be just like the other night, I enjoyed that a lot. There was something quite arousing about the way you squirmed."

He leaned down to kiss me and then said, "Maybe you could squirm like that again today?"

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Staring at the reflection in the mirror, I felt disgusting. Bruises littered my body, all from Ryan, and cuts could be seen along my wrists and thighs, self-inflicted. Truthfully, I looked horrible and I was repulsed by my own reflection, I hated the bruises Ryan gave me and I hated looking at the marks I'd given myself, they made me look weak and pathetic.

Well, you are weak and pathetic. Look at what you let Ryan do to you, that is pathetic.

I can see why Ashton won't talk to me, he's realised how ugly I really am and regrets what he did. I knew he'd never like me, why would he?

Closing my eyes and breathing out deeply, I tried to calm myself down before leaving my bathroom, my family was home and I didn't need them seeing me upset. I had to try and compose myself enough to fake happiness around them once again. Pulling my clothes on, I made sure to cover my wrists in wristband and bracelets, I didn't want my family to see my marks.

I'd gotten home from Ryan's about half an hour ago and I'd been in my room ever since, my parents didn't even question why I was home so late or why I was somewhat limping.

Because they don't care, they have Jack and Ben. Why would they need you? They're better than you.

Flopping down onto my bed, I pulled out my phone and saw I had quite a few texts from Calum, the majority asking who the man was in the car and to stop ignoring him. One text asked me if I was ok and I decided to reply to that one, I felt bad ignoring Calum so I may as well try and give him something.

– Sent: I'm fine, don't worry – 

                                                                                                           – Received: Where did you go? I'm kinda worried, Luke – 

–  Sent: I just got picked up by a relative, I forgot I was supposed to see them till I saw their car and I just forgot to text you. I'm sorry. Please don't worry about me –

                                                                                              – Received: I am worried about you Luke, something isn't right and you're not telling me–

 
– Sent: Everything is fine, just stop worrying–

Not wanting to read anymore texts from Calum, I put my phone of silent and dropped it onto my bed. I didn't like people saying they were worried about me because I knew it was lies and it made me feel worse, pretending hurts.

Leaning back on my bed, a few tears slipped from my eyes as I thought about how little people actually cared about me, especially Ashton. Before Ryan happened I used to think there was a glimmer of hope of being with him but now there's no chance. Ashton now hates me, I don't think he'd even care if I died and if I am being honest, I don't see the point in still being here if he didn't care. He was all I was living for. Sure, Calum and Michael were my friends but if it came down to it, they'd ditch me in a heartbeat. They always have, I've always been the least important and cared about friend.

No one needed me.

Death really appealed to me these days, I thought about it an awful lot. In recent days I'd been thinking about how I would end it all, which would be the easiest and which one would mean I wouldn't regret or try and back out of it. Currently, I didn't know which option was the best but all I knew is that I wanted to die. Ryan's assaults and Ashton's hatred of me have finally pushed me to the edge; I don't think I can take it anymore.

I don't want to live anymore, there's nothing for me.

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A/N: This chapter is quite short and quite depressing so I'm sorry. I hope you didn't mind too much. This is sort of an insight into Luke's mind and so sorry it's a boring chapter.

I want to warn you guys that updates might be slower than usual depending on how I feel, lately I've not been so good and I'm only writing this because I had inspiration from what I'm feeling. Honestly, I'm not doing to good and I'm now 0 days clean because of last night so I apologise if my updates are slow or crap or whatever, I have very little motivation to do anything.

I'm not sure whether a goal would be appropriate but I will set one anyway just to have consistency, I guess.

Goal: 35 - 40 Votes and 25 Comments. Thanks for reading, sorry for being miserable.