anathema//spam book

being african american and passing as male

one of my biggest fears is the police. it's not like a fear of heights, or a fear of spiders, it's more like a fear of that one kid in school that get's a bit too mad and a bit too close sometimes, and one day you're worried they might hurt you.

except that with the police, it's a constant fear, it's a reminder that i am not white, and that i don't have the same privilege. if i pass well enough, then a cop could see me as a threat. a cop could see me as a threat either way, but it's more likely if i appear to be male.

it's been drilled into me that when i see a cop, i need to be polite, i need to do what they ask, and i need to talk and act right. no sudden movements, hands visible at all times and make constant eye contact. i remember this always because every thing counts.

i don't know why this has been bothering me so much all of a sudden.

sleep is eluding me right now. we have a hate-love relationship. it hates to invite me in, but when it does, it feels so nice.

sorry, i've started rambling. i don't know if anyone reads this anyways lol.

welp i'm going to go before i make even more of a fool of myself.

stay chill and stay safe.