Jack held his head in his hands as it pounded from his lack of sleep, and tried to imagine, just for a few minutes, that his three month old daughter wasn't screaming. Just a few minutes, then he would go back to her crib and pick her up, and try to figure out what she wanted. He dug his fingers into his scalp and closed his eyes, just wishing that everything would just stop. That his head would stop hurting, that Maggie would stop crying, that Jack could stop grieving. None of that happened, and he was forced to open his eyes and stand up.
He was about to go back to his daughter when there was a sharp knock on the door, and Maggie's wailing grew louder. Jack silently cursed whoever was behind the door, but went to answer it nevertheless. He sighed when he saw who it was.
"Hey, Davey."
His friend looked him up and down. "You look awful."
"Gee, thanks."
Frankly, Jack wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone - nor had he been in a long time - but he invited Davey inside anyway, out of politeness. Davey stepped inside, doing his best to ignore Jack's disheveled appearance.
"How's it doing?"
"How do you think it's going?" Jack gestured down the hall, from which the baby's screams were still coming.
"Do you... do you want me to get her?"
He shook his head tiredly. "Nah, I got her." He disappeared, soon returning looking relieved and holding a now-calm Maggie.
"Jack, you've gotta stop doing this to yourself." Davey said when he came back, looking concerned.
"Doing what?" Jack asked absently, slowly sitting back down on the couch.
"Exactly!" His friend pointed out. "When's the last time you ate? Or slept?"
Jack let out a short laugh. "Maggie eats every four hours and takes three naps a day."
"That's not what I - "
"I don't know, Dave!" Jack stood up sharply, jostling the baby and causing her to start whimpering. He winced and bounced her up and down gently in an attempt to calm her. "That doesn't matter."
Davey could tell that the other man was a mess, and he was suddenly very glad that he'd come to check up on him. "Jack, you aren't okay."
"Course I am, I just...." Jack cut himself off, clenching his jaw. He stared at the floor for a few moments before lifting his gaze again, looking more defeated than Davey had ever seen him. "I can't do this. I can't."
"You can - "
"No, I can't!" As Jack continued to expel more stress, Davey wordlessly took Maggie from him. "I didn't agree to this, Davey."
"What? Jack, you and Kath were so happy when she got pregnant."
"Yeah. Me and Kath, we were supposed to do this together. She was supposed to be here, to help me raise her." Jack desperately tried to push back his tears. "She didn't even get to meet her, Davey."
"Jack..."
Jack dropped back down onto the couch. "I don't know how to do it without her."
Davey sat down next to him, and Maggie started to reach for Jack, who took her hesitantly into his lap. He was silent for a minute as he looked at his daughter, who was gleefully pulling at the buttons on his shirt, oblivious to her father's anguish. Jack let the tears fall then.
"We always talked about how excited we were to raise a kid together. That's how it was gonna be, me and Katherine, together... nobody ever told us that sometimes... that sometimes they don't make it through labor. Nobody told us that, and I can't doing this without her."
"But you have been."
"But I ain't good at it." He sighed. "The Pulitzer's offered to take her, y'know."
Davey gave him a surprised look. "What?"
"Yeah, Joe and Kate... they were real nice about it, said if I didn't wanna do it on my own, they'd raise her for me. I said no. Sometimes I think I shoulda said yes."
Davey stared at his friend. He'd had no idea that Jack had been going through this kind of stuff, or he'd visit more often, so would the rest of the boys. He suddenly felt stupid for not having seen it before.
"Jack, no."
"She might've been better off with someone else."
"Absolutely not." Davey put a firm hand on Jack's shoulder. "Jack, you are her father. There's nowhere she should be except for with you."
"She doesn't have a mom though. A kid needs their ma, Davey, you know that."
"But that's just it. She doesn't have a mother. Yes, Katherine was taken away from us too soon, and she should still be here. But she's not. Maggie doesn't have a mother, which means she needs her father even more."
"You think?"
"I know." Davey gestured to the little girl. "Just look at her, she loves you."
Jack stared lovingly at his daughter. "She does, huh?"
"Yeah, she does. And you're not alone. You've got me, Crutchie, Race... actually, having Race might not be the best thing." Jack laughed softly at that. "But you've got all of us Jack. Don't hide from us anymore."
Jack nodded. Yeah... yeah, okay. Thanks, Davey."
