Almost, But Not Quite (COMPLETED)

Chapter 30

#ABNQ30 Chapter 30

I didn't let it bother me. I didn't want for it to bother me. I kept on reasoning with myself that it's okay if Psalm's growing closer with Kia... nothing's wrong with it.

At saka wala naman akong karapatan na mainis.

Pero bakit ganito iyong nararamdaman ko?

I was so pissed at myself that I even made up some story para lang hindi ako pumasok sa school. Every day was torture. Iyong nakikita ko silang magkasama. Iyong nakikita ko silang nag-uusap. Iyong nakikita ko silang nagtatawanan.

I even hate it when Psalm's frowning whenever Kia's telling some lame joke.

Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan iyong sarili ko.

"Thought you're going somewhere else?" Jax asked. I sighed. I lay down on the couch, and closed my eyes. I should be all right because everything's happening according to how I wanted things to happen... I asked for this. I begged him for this.

But why did it feel like there's a hollow part inside my chest?

"Are you alright?" he asked when I didn't answer. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Kahit ano'ng pigil ko sa sarili ko, iyon lang ang naiisip ko. Palagi ko silang nakikitang dalawa kapag naka-pikit ako.

"Is it easy to move on?"

Napa-tigil siya sa binabasa niya. "You're so random," he commented. I pulled another pillow, and hugged it tighter. I felt like I needed to comfort myself when it reality, everything's fine.

It should be fine.

This was how I wanted things.

"How do you know if you have already moved on?"

Paano kung naka-move on na si Psalm? Okay lang naman dapat sa 'kin... I rejected him. I asked him to remain as a friend. If he's happy with someone else, I should be happy for him.

I knew I should be, but why was I feeling differently?

"Madali bang mahulog sa iba kapag sinaktan ka nung una?" patuloy na tanong ko kahit alam ko na wala namang sasagot sa tanong ko. Kasi wala naman akong masabihan. Hindi ko masabi kila Matt dahil alam ko na sila iyong nakakita kay Psalm nung sinaktan ko siya. Hindi ko masabi kila Kitty kasi bakit ako ganito?

Why was I contradicting myself when this was exactly what I asked for?

"Oo naman. Kasi bakit ka magpapakatanga sa taong sinaktan ka?"

Napaawang iyong labi ko dahil sa narinig ko.

"Maligo ka na nga. Gala tayo. Nakaka-bagot 'yang mukha mo," narinig kong sabi ni Jax bago niya ako iwan sa sala.

Ilang segundo akong naka-pikit. Paulit-ulit ko na naririnig sa utak ko. Kasi bakit ka nga ba magpapakatanga sa taong sinaktan ka? Kung meron naman na papasayahin ka? Na hindi ka sasaktan?

"Ang tanga lang, Joey," paulit-ulit na bulong ko sa sarili ko. Paulit-ulit na pinapaalala na hindi dapat ako ganito. Na mali itong nararamdaman ko.

Na dapat, bilang kaibigan ni Psalm, masaya ako para sa kanya.

Na kung may iba na siya, dapat masaya ako.

Kasi ito naman 'yung gusto ko. Na maging magkaibigan lang kami.

* * *

I knew Jax was trying his best to cheer me up. Binilhan niya pa nga ako ng frozen yoghurt. Tinatanong niya kung gusto kong manood ng movie, pero wala akong gana. But even then, he didn't force me to speak.