In My Head

Recurring Episode

Since this weekend, i've been having a recurring episode that mortifies me.

In it, i'm sitting on my usual seat facing the social worker. The room is accommodated the same way it has always been. Daylight filters through the open windows.
While speaking, a gunshot echoes loudly and i flinch, but when i open my eyes i see that the person i was speaking with has a bloodied hole that goes through the back of the head to the other side. His body then collapses and i immideatly hide in front of the desk since the bullet came from the window which is where i was facing. i cover my ears and curl up into myself as much as i can. The thoughts are screaming a broken cacophony of unintelligible words. My breathing is erratic. My body quakes uncontrollably. i'm shouting even though my lungs burn and my throat aches, saying that it's not real, it can't be real, to please stop and for the thoughts to shut up. A crimson pool begins to colour the floor and i feel sick. The distinct scent of blood intoxicates the room. Then, to my horror, the walls begin to bleed a deep crimson cascade that slowly pools across the floor.
i'm still screaming out that none of this is real, for the thoughts to stop screaming their morbid disaster, but it doesn't stop nor go away.

Then, the social worker kneels down and shakes me violently, telling me it's not real and desperately trying to make me snap out of it.

Eventually i become more lucid and that's when i collapse into him while violently sobbing and gasping for air, continuously repeating to myself out loud that it's not real, that it didn't happen, that he's alive. And finally, everything goes dark.

And the episode keeps playing out the same way repeatedly for days every so often, just like a broken record that is stuck on loop in a certain part...

i am not okay.

March 20th, 2018