Fml

1

2018,
New Year!
New me?
Please no!
I'm Anne, I'm fourteen years old and sometimes I feel very lonely. My life isn't that complicated, I have a family, friends, dogs! What could I possibly complain about?

Well one thing that I hate...That I hide. Is that I hate my body, I hate my voice, I hate what I do, I regret what I didn't say, what I should've done.
I'm not depressed, well, I don't think so.
I just have a very low self esteem and I need to work on that...
It's just hard, because I'm fat...
Maybe not "fat", but I'm heavier that all of my friends.
I always feel self conscious ...
Because I look ugly beside all of them, they are all pretty and perfect.
And me?
I'm just...The opposite.
And I hate it, I hate being different, I hate being who I am, even if people are incredibly special to me...
I told myself one thing, "this year is going to be the best year"
Was I right?
Nope...At least not for now.
The year started off okay, until I decided to cut myself again....

I started in November the year before, but I stopped because it hurt and...I thought that there was no point.

This year, I just did one mark...Then another...
And then a few more. I hardly had any.
My friends didn't really notice at first, until I showed them.
They just told me not to do it...
But that won't help me.
One day everything changed. It was weird because no one really knew before...
My mom saw a few marks and asked...
"How did that happen!"
"I fell outside today...There's a lot of ice"
My brother heard and of course...He told her...
"Anne wants to kill herself"
"No I don't! What are you talking about Dylan!"
"Anne is that true?"
I didn't say a word...
"Dylan go in your room I want to talk to your sister"
Oh no...What am I supposed to tell her? The truth? That I hate myself? That I'm fucking ugly? That I have no confidence? I can't!
"Anne, is that true?"
"No...I fell..."
"Anne look at me"
I looked at her...I didn't know what to say, so I just started crying. I never cried in front of my mother.I always told her everything, but this.
"Anne why would didn't you tell me?"
"Because I knew that you would tell me not to..."
"Anne you can't hide this..."
But I needed to do this...And now I can't because you know...I didn't say anything because I knew that you would suddenly care, that our relationship would change. Now all you'll do is worry about me...
"I'm sorry Mom...I just...I..."
I couldn't say anything...I was crying, I didn't know what to say, I can't even explain myself. It's hard, it's complicated. She held me in her arms...I never felt that before, it's a feeling that I won't forget...
"I hate myself...Mom look at me! I'm fat! I'm ugly! I know that you'll say that I'm pretty, but your only saying that because you're my mom..."
"Honey you are pretty, I love your shape it's perfect..."
"No it's not, did you see me? My friends are way skinnier...Of course because no matter what sport I do I'm always the same..."
I cried even more...She didn't know what to say...I don't care what she'll say because she can't say I'm pretty, I won't believe her. I'm not blind I know that I'm fat!
"I don't understand mom...I'm always stressed, and worried...I never was before, I can't take this anymore!"
That night, I couldn't sleep. The worst part wasn't that I was crying, it was that my mom was...She cried because of me, that broke my heart...To see her like that.
It made me cry even more.
The next day I went to school and didn't tell my friends...Until later during the day I told one of my friends, Brooke.
"Maybe it's good that she knows...You'll get help, you need it. I know it's hard, but it will get better"
During a few classes I had a few tears just thinking about it.
Every night after that my mother came to my room to talk. She finally cared or something. It's just different since now I know that she's worrying.
"I have an idea, I know that you probably don't want to tell me everything, but I know that you like writing. When you're feeling down you can write what's wrong and I'll read and write back. That way we can communicate through a book."
"It's a good idea..."
At least it's easier to write down my feelings then to say it to her out loud. And she won't see me cry when I write...And I won't see her cry...
A few days after that, I don't know why, but I lost it.
I started thinking of everything...
I hate myself...Why can't a die? There's this feeling inside me that I can't explain, I don't know how to. I'm not like before...Things are changing...Why couldn't she just not know?
I was about to cut myself...But my mom took away my scissors and hid them. So I couldn't use that. I needed something new...So I figured a way to get a blade, but I won't say how because I don't want anyone doing it like me.
When I got it...I just held it in my hands...I wondered...What if I do more cuts? I need to...I have none...Only a few...I want more...I want it to bleed... Without thinking I started to cut my wrist, I did about four lines across. It still wasn't a lot. I realized what I had done, I just started crying as usual...And went to bed...
The next day my mom saw, she wasn't happy at all...
"What the hell! Anne why did you do that!"
"I'm sorry I just had to..."
"Anne you need help."
"Mom I don't want to!"
"Anne, I know you don't want to...But you need to. Please sweetie...I love you..."
"I...I know..."
"I'm going to give you a number...You're going to call it tomorrow, it's a kids help line."
"Okay..."