Fml

3

"Anne I talked to someone from your school"
"There are a lot of people in my school...."
"I talked to the counsellor"
"Miss James?"
"Yes"
"Um okay...Why?"
"Because you should see her..."
"Seriously Mom..."
"Honey you need to talk to someone! I know it's not easy, but you will feel better after I promise..."
" I'm nervous..."
"Friday there's no school, I'm going to meet her and talk to her about you."
"Of course....."
"I'll tell you what she will say"
"Okay..."
Well....I guess I'll have to talk to someone I don't really now. Ain't that great?
I know miss James, well we never talked before... So she probably has no idea who I am.
...
Phil is online....
Anne: Hey it's been awhile!
Phil: Yeah! Hey!
Anne: What's up?
Phil: The sky. You?
Anne: My ceiling!
Phil: Awesome!
Anne: Okay for real what's up?😂
Phil: Not much.Well things are okay.
Anne: Good! How are things with your crush?
Phil, he's my age and we text a lot. Unfortunately we don't go to the same school, we went to elementary together but we weren't friends. We started talking last year, I added him on Facebook and we texted occasionally. We've gotten closer and now we message each other a lot. These days I don't get the chance to talk as much, but I try. He's always nice and interesting to talk to.
Phil: Honestly...Not too good...
Anne: Oh no, why?
Phil: I'm scared that she likes my friend...Because she's the only girl in our gang, and she's close to one of my friends.
Anne: Oh...I kinda get that, just try to talk to her more. Does he know that you like her?
Phil: Yes...
Anne: Do you trust him?
Phil: Yes...
Anne: So put in your mind that he won't try to be with her, okay?
Phil: Yes, I'll think of it that way. Thanks, usually I always find a positive thing to think about when things are bad. You just gave me the positive.
Anne: Great! So think of it that way😉
Phil: What about you and that guy in your math class?
Anne: Totally over him!
The guy in my math class? His name is Thomas, he's a year older and I had a small crush on him. I'm over him now.
Phil: well that's good I guess.
Anne: Yeah it is :)
Phil: :)
Anne: Well I need to go eat diner, bye!
Phil: Bye!
...
Friday, a normal late February day.
The snow isn't done melting yet, unfortunately. I miss not having to freeze, fall and get effin snow in my shoes. But life is very good and earth decided to make it snow on this day.
Why is this Friday in particular special? Did you guess because it's Friday duh! Well no it's not haha. Today there's no school, and we're going bowling and to the movies. Finally a day out.
Which is fun of course, but the morning was the worst part because I needed to chose an outfit.
My goal: something simple, but cute.
I had nothing to wear.
Nothing!
So I wore a white shirt stripped in black (or black stripped white?) with black jeans. It's not that cute, just casual. I hoped to be in something that I would look super good in, but instead I just look fat. This I blame on myself, because I should've chosen something better even if I had no clothes. I felt kind of ugly, well not kind of, I felt very ugly in this. I can't really change though, too late Anne.

We took the bus to school as usual, I was with Benny. Sadly he wasn't going to the movies with us. There was going to be me, Laurie, Brooke, Christopher,Raymond and Mina.

Christopher is a guy that I've known since daycare, I've known him the longest. In second grade I had a crush on him, but obviously we never dated because I'm unlucky with guys. Lately we've been close, he's a little more quiet though. Except when he's with Brooke and I...He doesn't like Brooke, at least I hope so. They're closer though, he's always laughing with her. Now he doesn't even realize that I'm there. It's sad, but I don't like him. I just miss our connection (if we even had one).

Raymond, he's a guy as well (obviously). He's our friend and he's chill. He's a great listener and I like talking to him. I call him my son, I know weird. There's also Mathew that I call my son, he's Laurie's old crush.

Anyways, we went to the movies and well watched a movie because that's what people do at movie theatres duh.
I sat between Laurie and Raymond.
The movie was okay, but Brooke was close to Chris...Too close. I know I shouldn't be jealous...But I was thinking... what if he fell in love with her? Pff why do I care...I don't like him...Wait...Do I?
After the movie we went bowling of course, I looked...Urgh fat and horrible. And when I sat and leaned my head on my hand, you could see my crack (Tits). Mable kept telling me that I look like I slut, as a joke. How could I be a slut anyways? Boys would never love me, I'm fucking ugly.
During bowling I kept purposely going close to Chris to get his attention. Near the end, I tired to scare me or something and his face got very close to mine. And Laurie said,
"Omg I thought he was going to kiss you!"
Which...I kind of wished that he would of.

After school I was thinking in the bus...
who would even like me? I'm horrible...I hate my voice...I hate my body...I hate the way I am. And I'm tired of this feeling of being empty. Because now when I have fun, I'm thinking of that feeling...Before it went away while I was happy...Now it's always here, that voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough...Or that stress I get for everything...
And that feeling of jealousy.

I hate feeling different, in the bus I was thinking of cutting my arm, I really had to...Just one mark...Only one. But I was going to my dads and I don't have anything to do it, so I went to my mothers. Benny and I walked to our houses, when I went in my house...
I did one mark only...I really wanted to do a second, I was about to...But I can't, Mom cannot see it. So I left it like that.
I had the urge to do it....
But I couldn't...
So I just started crying on my bed...