Fml

9

It's been a week that I haven't cut myself.
I realized as I looked at pictures in my camera roll.
Things have been better.
I feel happier.
I've seen miss James, I told her that things were actually starting to get better.
I started to not like Alexis as much, we haven't texted since the night that I felt love.
I guess things are better in school, but I'm always stressed out.
I'm working on a few scenes in our drama class, it is fun.
Today I'm presenting, I was excited.
Until I realized that it was happening.
I was so scared to forget my lines that I wasn't really as good as last time.
I got 19/20 (aka 95%)
Which is FINE
But I usually get 100%....
I started to get even more stressed out all of a sudden.

I kept telling myself
Wow you're such a failure.
You looked like a fool.
You were embarrassing!

The day wasn't really any better...

After getting off the bus with Benny as usual,
I mentioned the suicides that happened in or school.
(Two boys committed suicide this year)
"What if I was the third person to commit suicide? People probably won't care as much though right?I would be like the third...And..."
"Anne don't ever..."
"Well...."
I regretted saying anything.
"Anne do you know how many people would be sad if you were gone? Even I would be! You are important to so many people...They wouldn't want to loose you and I don't want to loose you."
"But I'm not happy Benny! I can't...I don't want to be here...I do, but there are just so many things that...."
"Just remember that we ALL care about you, and we can help you...A lot of people can."
We were in front of my house, it was time for me to leave...
"Bye Ben"
"Wait!"
"What??"
"Stay there. Don't move."
"Um why?"
"Because I don't want you to do anything to yourself."
"I won't, I promise...See you tomorrow."

For some reason, what he said made me feel a little different...
I know that people care about me...
But for some reason I'm always unhappy...
I wish that all the nice things people say go through my head...
Instead of always being ignored...