Letters to Chan ° Stray Kids

82: short narration

4 years later...

"Syd! what's wrong with you? why did you freaking slap Austin?" bungad ni Hannah ng makalapit sya sakin. Di ito ang tamang oras para bulabugin ang mood ko. He's been hitting on me for God knows how long but I never get smitten by him even just for a bit. Halos sigaw na si Hannah sa pagsasalita dahil sa ingay ng tugtog. They're playing Avicii's 'Wake Me Up' right now. RIP my fave music producer. My heart skipped a beat ng biglang may humila ng braso ko. Napatigil si Hannah sa panenermon sakin. Her eyes were pinned on Austin's hand on my right arm.

"What the fuck do you want, Aus?" I said almost screaming sa sobrang inis. Napatapon sa pantalon ko ang isang shot ng tequila which made me more furious. Lagot ako sa nanay ko pag naamoy na naman nya ako. We still have to go home tomorrow and I can't have a hang over sa loob ng eroplano. Jet lag and hang over mixed in one day? It's like suicide. I better not drink a lot tonight. But this shit guy right here is freaking me out.

"What I want? You! Now let's get out of here and let's talk. PRIVATELY." he emphasized the last word while looking at Hannah. Binawi ko yung braso ko dahilan para mapalingon sya sakin. He's running out of patience. Tsss, do I look like I care about your temper?

"Fine. Let's get this over with." simpat ko saka kumuha ulit ng isang shot ng tequila. Wala ng lemon at asin to. Bahala na! Napapikit si Hannah sa ginawa ko. Nilagpasan ko si Austin na halos mamula na sa inis. He hates it when I drink. Makapagbawal akala mo boyfriend. Dyan naman kayo magagaling eh! Sa pagpigil samin sa mga "masasamang tignan" na bagay pero kung manloko kayo... tsss! MGA GAGO!

"Now, tell me what's inside that head." I spat while leaning on a black car behind me. I crossed my arms and looked at him. Glaring at me, he took a deep breathe. "Are you not aware of what I'm feeling?" simula nya. Umirap ako sa ere. I know where this shit talk is going. Agad akong tumayo ng ayos. I faced him. "And so what if I am?" I answered. No one was aware of mine so why would I even care about his? Feelings made me into the person that I am now. Feelings made me forget how to care for others 'cause caring for them, made me feel miserable and stupid. I'd rather not care about others unless it's my family.

"Are you still not over your past? Did you even think we're all the same? SYDNEY! For fuck's sake! We're not all the same. Nasaktan ka lang ng isa, nilahat mo na! Why don't you give others a chance? Why can't you give me a chance?!"

"What do you know about my pain? At anong isa? Lahat sila binigo ako! Lahat sila, sinaktan ako! Do you really know what happened in my past? The whole story?!"

"No!"

"See!"

"Cause you never ever give me the chance to know everything about you! You never opened a door for me to know you! Masyado mong isinilid ang sarili mo sa nakaraan mo! Masyado kang makasarili alam mo yun? That stupid past of yours made you so damn selfish that you don't know you're hurting someone else! You're a big mess right now and you never let someone take care of you and fix you because of your shit pride! Alam mo, one day, you will see yourself alone. Not because you have trust issues but because of your pride and ego!" after saying these words, he left me. He went straight to his car and started the engine. His car disappeared in just a blink of my eye and here's me. Pinned and awake. Pinned to where I stand right now. Actually, double meaning. Pinned in my past. Pinned in all the bitter feelings I had. Pinned in pain that Chan gave me. At the same time, I'm awake. I'm awake now. Why do they always make me feel guilty and bad about myself? But on the other side? He's right.

I never let them enter my life. I never gave them a chance. I never gave him a chance. He was too good and patient to me. He's gentle and sweet. But.. I was trapped. Trapped in a past that I know, many people had forget. Damn, I really am selfish.

(●′ω'●)

NCT LUCAS as Austin ♡♡♡