Hopeless Playboy

Chapter 11

There's something bothering you." Ani mommy na siguradong-sigurado.

Argh! Fuck! What's happening on me? I'm not like this.

Napasulyap ako kay mommy and she's waiting for an answer.

"Nothing my. I want to do something but I can't figure it out." Pagsisinungaling ko.

"If you say so." Nag-arko ang labi ni Mommy nang sinabi niya ito.

"Really mommy. I'm just... boring may be." I'm good in acting right? bakit parang hindi ko magawa ngayon?

That man! It is all his fault. He invades me. Everythings in me.

"Let me guess. Love's finally meet you indeed." Mom said with certainty.

How does she know? No she can't  be!

"Mom! You are overreacting! I'am just bothered!" Patuloy kong pagtanggi.

Si mommy ba ang overreacting o ako? Why I'am so tensed?

"Charlotte ever heard the old saying 'Papunta ka palang pabalik na ako?'" Mom said with an amuse smile in her face.

Am I too abvious? Itatago ko pa ba? Hayss! Bakit ang hirap?

"Napagdaanan ko na yan Charlotte. And I'm your mommy you can't lie on me in that matters. I know what stopping you on this." Napasulyap ako kay mommy.

She's always the loving, caring, soft and understanding mother. Hindi ko alam pero kung titingnan mas bitter pa ako kay mommy noong naghiwalay sila ni daddy.

Sa tingin ko napatawad niya na si daddy sa lahat ng nagawa nito sa kanya. Pero ako? I can't still find the forgiveness in my heart for daddy.

Dahil dito natakot akong magmahal. Masisi mo ba ako? Sina lolo at lola naghiwalay sa anong dahilan? Hindi ko alam. Sabi ni mommy nambabae raw. Si Dad and Mom separated too for what-so-ever reason I don't know. Ayaw ni mommy napag-usapan kaya hindi ko narin inalam.

Ate Sheena and Ate Aira are both miserable in their family life. Yes hindi sila naghiwalay noong mga asawa nila pero yung buhay naman nila ang gulo daig pa naghiwalay. With all that matters I have conluded this one.

Aanhin mo ang love kung masasaktan ka lang naman pala? Kung paulit-ulit kang luluha at magdurusa?

Siguro nga dahil bata pa ako noon kaya inisip ko at pinangako ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako magpapamahal. I'm just a kid back then not knowing anything. I have no idea that that love will came also in my way. But then again, I prove myself wrong.

"Natatakot ako my." Napayuko ako.

What if masaktan din ako? What if mangyari sa akin ang mga  nangyari sa kanila?

What if iwan din ako ng taong mahal ko? Kaya ko kaya? Makakaya ko ba? Kayang ko rin bang lumuha gabi-gabi sa loob ng kwarto tulad kay mommy?

Natatakot ako na kagaya nila ate hindi ko rin siya kayang iwan sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

Tumayo si mommy sa kinauupuan niya at tumabi sa akin. She lifted my chin and faced me. She give me a reassuring smile.

"I know kung bakit ka ganyan Charlotte. Natatakot ka. Natatakot ka na mangyari sayo ang mga nangyari sa amin nila lola mo. You put a wall in your heart. I know you are smart kid back then that is why you overthink everything. Kahit yung marriage life ng mga ate nabigyan mo ng sad ending d'yan sa utak mo." Maluha-luha at natatawa-tawa si mommy na itinuro ang utak ko. "Bata ka pa noon Charlotte. You are now 17 years old but the little Charlotte still dominated you. Yung mga mapapait parin na memories ang naaalala mo when you are looking back. You are too angry to notice the good memories."

Memories are like a river flows in my mind. We are at the park. Mom, ate Sheena and ate Aira they are very happy. I was seven years old and ate sheena is 17 while ate Aira is 19. I just look at them. How can they be happy like that? I want to shout at them and say 'Hey! Daddy left us! Don't you guys know it? Wala na si daddy! wala na tayong daddy!" As much as I want to say it I chose to be quiet.

"Feeling ko kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito kung bakit ka nagkaganyan. Masyado akong naging kumpyansa sayo anak. You are a tough girl. You can control your emotions whatever circumstances arises. Yes I am very correct that you are a tough girl. But it never came into me that you were going to build a tall block wall within you to avoid heartaches and pains and that's not healthy." Mommy cupped my face while her tears are falling in her face.

No! Walang kasalanan si mommy sa pagiging makitid ng utak ko. Wala siyang kasalan sa pagiging sarado ng utak ko sa lahat-lahat.

"You isolate yourself because you don't want to be hurt too. I am sorry Charlotte I have forgotten that you are a child too and you need a mother to teach you how to forgive people have done wrong things to you and forget things that hurts you." Tuluyan na akong niyakap ni mommy.

Humagulhol na ako sa iyak. I can't remember when was the last time I cried like this or if I even cried like this before.

kahit noong iniwan kami ni Daddy I didnt cried para bumalik siya. I was a little kid but my ego is as big as mountain. I didnt say that I didn't cry for dad's leaving. I do cry but not as loud as serene.

I beg but I didn't kneel down for him to come with us again. I was just kid but I knew that the moment he stepped out in our house he will never be back home again.

And I let him. I don't know? Maybe I am too numb to the pain to even react from all of these?

"What are you doing baby?" Tanong ni mommy isang hapon nang pumasok siya sa kwarto ko.

Inilalagay ko sa isang kahon ang barbie dolls, sapatos, dresses at pants na bili sa akin ni Daddy.

"Mommy can we shop tomorrow? Wala na po kasi akong magagamit na mga dress and shoes pag-aalis ako e." Aniko kay mommy para maiba ang usapan.

Sinarado ko na ang huling box at buong lakas na tinulak ito sa gilid ng aking kwarto banda sa may pinto.

"huh?" Nagtatakang tanong ni Mommy. "How about these? What are you going to do to these?" She pointed out the boxes.

"I don't like that! I Hate the colors and style." Walang ganang aniko. "We can give them to orphanage or fired them if there's no option left."

"Huh? but these are your favorite dresses and shoes." Pagpupumilit ni mommy.

"I said I don't like them! I hate them! I don't! I don't like them!" I recited it again and again to convince myself.

Padabog akong sumampa sa aking kama at nagtalukbong. Isang buntong hininga ang narinig ko kay mommy bago siya umalis ng kwarto ko.

Wala pang limang minuto ang nakakalipas ng makarinig ako ng mga kaluskos sa loob ng kwarto ko. Inalis ko ang talukbong ko at nakita ko ang mga kasamabahay na isa-isang kinuhuha ang mga boxes. Ang mga gamit na binili sa akin ni Daddy.

I don't need them. I don't need that shoes. I don't need that dolls. I dont need that dresses. I don't need him either in my life!

Kaya kinabukasan din ay pumunta kami ni mommy sa mall. I have found out that since then I didn't shop with mom, lagi kasi si daddy ang kasama ko. Pinilig ko ang ulo ko at winaksi ang alaala kasama si daddy.

Wala na siya at hindi na babalik pa. Kinalimutan ka na niya you should forget him too.

Binili ko lahat ng gusto. Iniwasan kong bilhin ang mga kaparehong damit ko noon. Pati ang favorite color ko iniba ko na rin. Hindi na ako bumili ng doll kasi halos kapereho lang ito ng mga dolls ko dati.

From playing Barbie dolls I shifted to reading books. When we enter the National Bookstore I can't help myself but to smile. Never have thought that books gives me happiness. Kumuha ako ng mga nainteresan ko at lumabas na rin pagkatapos bayaran.

The day end in a long and tiring day. Next I knew I am here in my bed lying while my eyes is slowly closing.