memories to live

Hopes

I had started live with the hope, thinking that he will come back. I had managed to be myself, even though I lost control over me sometime I had find a way to hide it. I tried to please him in many ways but I did the things worse than they were, maybe I started to torture him. I used to contact his friends whomever I know but the things become more unpleasant. I stood nowhere from all these, I lived in hallucination.

My birthday 2017
It’s my day tomorrow, I thought he will call me at least tomorrow. For the past 3months I had stopped my stupid things and waited for this day to come. Last year he was with me, but this time I’m living with the hope. Things have changed, people have moved on but my feelings still same for him. All I wanted was forgiveness for my stupid things and his never-ending love.

I re-read our old conversation, due to tiredness I fall to sleep before 12. When I woke first thing I checked was my phone wishing to his message, I couldn’t find anything from him. I rechecked all my social accounts for his wishes but couldn’t find any. The clock showed 1am but there are no messages from him. I found a wish from Shrey also but nothing from Mridul. I slept very late may be around 6am, I woke at 9 but still couldn’t find his wish. the clock stroked from 10 to 2 but nothing changed, I took the courage to call him and dialed. For a surprise he had unblocked me, but I couldn’t utter single word when he received it.
Mridul: who is this?
Me: sorry, wrong number nope wrong person.
He ended the within no time but I re-dialed the number but this time I heard busy tune.

2nd valentine’s day,2018

I managed to drop him a message asking for a last talk. I was waiting at the bus top when I got his call, I didn’t receive it since there was a huge rush. He called me after 30mins, with a lot of struggle I received it even though I couldn’t hear him clearly.

Mridul: listen, I’m not in love with you anymore, it’s almost a year just move on. I have moved on that day itself, why are you still hoping that I’ll come back? I’m searching for another girl who is of my kind, I’m about find her.
Me: hey, listen to me. I’m not asking you to stay, just say what happened with you?
Mridul: my uncle came to know about us and things messed up. Now I’m happy without you. its last, don’t call me again, just stay away or else I’ll kill myself.
Me: listen, just say the things clearly, I want…
The call ended, I had tears, what was my mistake? He is saying something like the girl of his kind, does that mean I’m not girl of his kind? What’s wrong with me?

After a lot of struggle, I convinced myself that I’m not girl of his kind. I dropped him few messages.
Me(message): I know I’m not of your kind, I stood nowhere when you proposed me, I never asked you to love me. I felt lucky to have you and I’m still feeling same. The feeling for you is never going to change. I don’t whether the things are right or wrong with me, but all I want is you. I can’t imagine my life without you, you gave me the love which I never asked for. I do accept my past, I said it to you because I want you to love me, the real me, the one who loves you. I feel void without you, you are my everything. I dreamt of being with you always, I still dream even though you are not with me. My day starts with your name just like it used to do a year before. You showed me the feel of love, you gave me the courage to live, you gave me everything I needed even when I’m not asked you. its okay to be like this, I can live without you. but I want to meet the old you for one last time.

I sent him, I waited for his reply. I took the courage to say him that I can live without him, all I wanted was him. I thought convincing him to meet me can help me, just a last hope.