memories to live

THE DELIVERY- 26TH JAN 2017

He has 6 sisters, all are married. He is the last child to his parents, a well enough joint family. His last sister is pregnant, almost at its time for delivery. As usual we were chatting. We talked about my pregnancy time, how he will care, what we should name for the baby etc.

Delivery- a rebirth for women, the happiest and painful phase of every mother. its not easy to carry a life with you for nine months, even a small mistake can have undone the life. You have to go through a lot in this phase.

Me: so, say how will you take care of during my pregnancy?
Mridul: now you are not one, why do you say it’s your pregnancy, it’s my pregnancy to. I also have equal responsibility about child. Usually for every first delivery women used to go to their parents, but I don’t know you wish to go or not. I have made my decision that I’ll not going to sent you to your parents since its far away from here. Instead of that let they stay with us, lets they look after here only if you wish. I will be awake still you go to sleep so that you don’t get scared. I feed you, I’ll take care of your health. And I’ll try to fulfill your wishes. What else you want me to do?

Me: so sweet of you. I want you to keep these words that time. Love you for what you are, I’m the luckiest girl in the whole world.
Mridul: don’t worry I’ll hold your hands during your delivery also. I’ll be with you in every up and downs, let’s see life together.
Me: you can hold my hands while cuddling not during delivery since you are not allowed inside.
Mridul: I’ll, just wait and watch.

By the time we could text for some more time his sister got the pain. He rushed to hospital with his brother in law. He couldn’t text me for sometime because he was needed there, I understood the situation but still kept on asking about his sister. After an hour he dropped me a message.

Mridul: Janu I don’t want make you pregnant, I don’t want you to have this much pain. I want you to be always happy, I still in shock by seeing the way she screams.
Me: hey, is everything okay? How is she now?
Mridul: she is screaming like anything, the doctors told they have to do operation. Really it hurts to imagine you like this.
Me: its okay, be cool. Take care of your sister. I know you can’t text me, be with your brother in law, help. See you tomorrow, miss you. love you a lot.
Mridul: love you too, see you soon.

The next morning, I texted him as soon as I woke. Almost for two hours I didn’t get reply. Almost at evening 5 he came online.

Me: so, what’s happening there?
Mridul: everything is fine now, operation successful. She is blessed with a girl baby and both are fine. You know what? The baby’s nose is just like yours, the parrot nose.
Me: I guess she is cute just like you. our baby is blessed to have a father like you. you will love our baby more than loving me and this baby.
Mridul: yep she is cute, I don’t about future but for me my family is first.

(I don’t what he means? Does my family mean the family without me? or its about our future family?)

Me: do you love her more than me?
(I don’t know why I asked such a stupid question but though I need the answer. I expecting a no)
Mridul: look for me my family is always first, I don’t want to lie to you but trust me my love towards you is always increases, not for a single second of my life I can’t stop loving you. whatever the things happen, nothing can separate me from you.

Me: don’t make me confused, just say a yes or no.
Mridul: yes, I love her more than you. I know it hurts you but I’m helpless. Sorry for this.

I didn’t reply him after this. I know what I’m doing is stupid, the craziest thing in the world but for the moment I felt I’m alone all again. The just born baby gets more love than me, what the thing I have done? Why can’t he love me more? Does he mean I can never belongs to his family? If yes then what about our relationship? So many unanswered question popping in my head.
He called me for several times but I didn’t receive it. I need to be loved, I had find the love for first time in me after several betrayals. All I want is complete him, his love. Just the answer which he gave me increased my fear, the fear which I have for him. Every second of this phase of my life I’m living in the fear of losing him.

For a day I avoided him completely, maybe we needed that gap, we connected so fast. And we were quarrelling frequently, so some gap is much better for understanding so that we can get time for our own thoughts. The next day I texted him.
Me: I’m sorry for yesterday, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I needed time to understand your feelings. Whatever the things happen is for good. I think we connected too fast, so how about a gap?
Mridul: do you mean breakup? Please don’t do this, I need you. I know my answer have hurt you but believe me I really love you.
Me: why do you think like that? There is nothing wrong in your answer. Not actually breakup, lets be friends for some time.
Mridul: why are you doing like this? I can’t be friend with you, you mean so much to me. I can’t live without you. please, I’m sorry for everything. If you want breakup you can, but I can’t be friend with you. having you as a friend hurts more than not having you.

I can understand his feelings but I feel that we need this gap. Even I can’t live without him, but giving a try is not wrong. You can’t be friend with the one you love because the crave doesn’t allow you for that. Let’s think keeping sweets in front your eyes and ask you to not to touch? Can you do this? Keeping sweets out of sight can make you stay away from it, but now you can’t. The situation is same here. At last after thinking for several times I accepted the things. I dialed his number, without saying a word we both started to cry. After few minutes everything feels normal. This fight made our relationship much stronger. Misunderstandings increases the strength of bonding but the same misunderstandings can lead you to an end. Never end relationship in a misunderstanding, you may have to regret later.