⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️MENTIONS SELF HARM AND DEPRESSION⚠️PLEASE BE CAREFUL⚠️
Some days I can't find the motivation to get out of bed. And it seems like today is going to be that type of day. Aren't thoughts nice? One day you don't have a care in the world and the next it's all there. All your worries, thoughts, and worse come crashing back. It's like when people say they have an elephant sitting on their shoulders when they're really stressed. Now just imagine the weight of twenty. It's too much sometimes. I even have the scars to show it. Rose knows and wants me to talk to her but I don't want to burden her. Rose has her own problems without mine in the mix of things.
"Scorp, get up! You're going to miss class. We have to be there in five minutes." Al yells to me through the curtains.
"You go on ahead of me. I'll be there on time." I mumble. I hear Al bump into things as he tries to leave.
Now I have at least three hours before they try to get me up. I guess I could say I have a migraine. That's what I normally do. It excuses my behavior and they don't ask questions.
The not so funny thing about depression is everything you think is true. All those little white lies you tell yourself to make you feel better are gone. All that is left is the truth. The truth bloody hurts. All those things people say about you come rushing back like water when a dam is removed. All those things people say about being a Malfoy. About houses and hair color. I never asked to be Malfoy yet here I am.
"There's that Malfoy!" People shout.
"Careful, he might use his dark magic on you.." People whisper.
"Why's he in Gryffindor? He should be a Slytherin." People ask.
Sometimes I wish it would just go away. I have no escape. Nothing works anymore. Only one thing does.... The cutting. I hate doing it. I hate it so much but the pain grounds me. It keeps me sane enough to survive. Of course I feel pretty bad afterwards but hey at least I'm alive. Or that's what I tell myself anyway.
I'm stumbling to the bathroom when there's a knock on the door.
"Scorp let me in please." Rose's voice pleads from behind the door. I forgot I locked it.
"M' coming" I mumble.
I unlock the door and Rose tackles me to the point where I almost fall down. She won't let go of me no matter how hard I struggle so I just sit there. My head on her shoulder.
"When Albus said you were gonna come later I got worried so I ran here and I had to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine." I whisper.
"Then why are your shirt sleeves rolled up." She grabs my arms. "And-" A tear runs down her face. "Scorpius these are fresh. Did you do this last night?"
I can't look her in the face. I nod. Somehow she manages to hug me tighter. After a minute she gets up and grabs a damp towel to clean the cuts. It stings but I can't bring myself to wince. I just sit there like a robot. When she's done she wraps my wrists with gauze that I keep in the bathroom.
Rose sits down next me. "Why didn't you come get me? Or Albus?" She asks, grabbing my hand. I shrug.
"Scorpius please, say something. You haven't said anything." She drops her head onto my chest, wrapping her arms around me. I don't have the energy to hug her back. I'm tired but not physically. Just mentally exhausted and it's so bloody draining. She stands up pulling me up with her, I stumble so she puts an arm around my waist. She drags me over to my bed sitting down next to me. She makes me lie down, putting my head in her lap. She starts to comb her fingers through my hair,and I can feel myself start to drift off to sleep.
I struggle to open my eyes but when I do I see Rose. My head is in her lap and I wrapped my arms around her legs while I was asleep. She's staring at the wall in front of us, tears falling down her face. I sit up and wrap my arms around her, resting my chin on the top of her head. "Rosie what's wrong?" She starts to sob, gripping onto me like her life depends on it.
"I- you- I'm sorry!! I- I- you're-" I cut her off, "Shh it's okay, I'm okay, I'm alive right? And this isn't your fault." I rub circles into her back.
"BUT I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!" She wails, digging her head further into my chest. "I should've been there Scorp. I should've payed more attention." She whispers.
"Stop that. Don't blame yourself for my actions."
"But I could've been there!" She wails.
"Rosie, I chose to not come and get you or Albus. So stop apologize I've been hiding this since our second year, you're not gonna notice my behavior being different."
"Sec- second year? That's a long time Scorpius." Rose starts to pummel me as she yells. "Why." Rose hits my chest. "Didn't." Another smack. "You." I grab her hands.
"I didn't want to be a nuisance. Simple as that. And everything in my life kinda sucks." I force out a laugh. "So it's not like cutting made it any worse. It kept me anchored. The pain keeping me sane I guess."
Rose hugs me and I hug her back. "So stop blaming yourself okay? It doesn't go away overnight." I whisper. "And I'm trying but the numbness or overbearing sadness gets to be too much most days."
Rose nods. "I'm gonna be there for you every step of the way. No matter what it takes I'll make sure you're happy again."
"Thank you Red, it means a lot." I mumble.
