hamilton fluff (pretty much just jeffmads fluff =3)

If only I was okay (send halp)

(i stayed up last night the WHOLE FUKIN NIGHT to write some depressing ass shit, here u go, oh and umm.... i guess act like I'm actually talking to you i guess??? whatever makes more sense *shrug*)

=> I'm always happy with my perfect life
I've never reached for rope or a knife
My friends are good friends, always there for me
I'm telling the truth, obviously =>
I'm always okay and I'm never sad
I'm straight and I'm happy and I never get mad
I never do self harm, that shit is dumb
I always feel things, not emotionally numb =>

I'm totally fine, I'm really okay,
My family'd be fine if I was gay.
which I am not, I'm straight as can be,
and not terrified my friends will leave me.
If they did leave, I would be great,
I didn't really need them anyway.
'Cuz I'm not depressed, nor am I sad
If I died now my family would be glad

(didn't expect the truth on the last line, did you? =>)

I like who I am, and no, I'm not gay

I'd still always be happy anyway.

There's a lot of reasons for me to be glad,
it's easy to remember the good times we had.
Not that anyone near me is leaving, I'm not falling apart,
not that there's a new hole in my already broken heart.
Not that there's a reason for my heart to be broken,
or that on tears I am currently choking =>

It's really all fine, I'll see you in class.
No, there are no knives, and no broken glass.
Everything's always okay, everything's great.
I feel more for the world I live in than hate.
I'm fully accepted, no problems in my family.
I'm not crying, there's no scars, I'm not thinking about Emily...
She's just my friend dumbass, I'm not dying inside.
No, there are no hidden emotions where I reside.
I don't wanna break down, I don't cry behind my bedroom door.

I don't feel misunderstood and lay broken on the floor

I don't blast music to hide my screaming pain

I don't try feeling okay, attempting in vane.

I'm not hurt, nor am I lost, never left out...

Never really past the edge, never broken down.

I've never been done with living my life,

I've never truly been ready to just die.

I'm not desperate for comfort, not bleeding inside.

Not tired of faking a smile like I'm okay with stupid lies.

I'm never left out, perfectly content with my life,

I never get the sudden urge to end it with a knife.

I don't feel pushed around, I know people care how I feel,

I don't wish I'd wake up one day with my problems less real.

Nobody's hurt me by lying to my face, or stabbing my back.

I never wish life was clearer like right, wrong, white, and black.

And I'm gonna be okay, happy as always.

This is how great it's been through all my days. =>

(starts telling the truth, that's new =<)
I think I've run out of blood, considering how much I've bled...
If only there were no more tears to be shed.

If I could leave my life with my conscience clean,

I'd do it in a heartbeat, something I finally mean.

I wish I could tell people I feel like this every day,

But they'd fake a smile at me and say "it's okay,"

It is not 'okay,' never has been, nor will it be.

Is it a good or bad thing if nobody sees?

If no one knows half the pain and depression

that goes on in this 'perfect family' impression?

I have to pretend to smile through my broken hurting tears,

With my army of fake smiles, quite a few over the years.

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If only I was okay things would be better,

I wouldn't have to hide cuts with jackets and sweaters.

I wouldn't have to run from the asshats that know,

They wouldn't pick on me if blood and tears didn't flow.

(rolling the credits, here comes)  If only I was okay, maybe if I was fine...

Nobody'd waste any worries or time.

(............... I'm okay..............

who the hell am I kidding of course I'm not okay >0< 

I need time off of this, sorry, but hopefully you'll understand I'm not in the greatest mood.... or any mood to survive if I'm being honest......... anybody wanna talk in the comment section that would be great =,|  )