If My Love Is Suicide (Nalu)

Author's Note PLEASE READ Explanation

Dear lovely readers,

I took a break for multiple reasons.

One reason happens to be the same I reason I took that long break earlier. I have interest in writing this story when I'm really depressed. I started a new medication that has been working better but I do still have a lot of problems.

Still, I don't want you to think I'm that type of person who pretends to understand peoples pains. I don't have it nearly as bad as other people I'm just trying to say I write certain stories when I'm in certain moods.

What I'm trying to say is I have been 'less' depressed recently. (I'll explain later why I was technically really depressed but it's different.)

The other reason didn't come till later. I was planning on writing an update, I promise. But my mom was bleeding internally. She went to the doctor who had to do this certain test on her. She had to stay awake though and there were problems like the wrong tools and not doing it right. It took way longer then it was supposed to and hurt way worse then it was supposed to. My mom finally begged them to stop after screaming for a few minutes but they didn't listen.

The doctors said it was because they were almost finished and they didn't want to waste this. If my mom is begging them to stop it is literally the end of the world. She can deal with pain very well. If she was begging them to stop it means the average person would rather die then go through a second more of that pain. Okay... I'm exaggerating a tiny bit but they literally tortured her.

That wasn't the full problem though although it made me cry. The problem was that people were expecting the worst. Here's the thing, all my life I've struggled with severe separation anxiety.

I usually like to make it clear that things with me aren't severe but this is definitely severe. When I was a small child I would cry if she left the room even if I could see her in the next room. I never let go of her. I had goodnight rituals and made sure she was safe. I couldn't leave the house without her and I would sometimes have a panic attack when she leaves. There's way more but I don't want to go into it.

What I'm trying to say is my mother is my everything. She's my best friend, my only friend, and we just have such a close relationship. This being and my anxiety I really struggled with the ideas past around about 'expect the worst.' I was really in a terrible place and I couldn't talk to anyone about it since my mother is my only friend (I know it sounds pathetic but I am very proud to be her friend) and I couldn't talk to the rest of my family.

I was told yesterday by my mother that it's cancer caught early and could be solved with surgery. After telling me that she held me in her arms and I cried. I never cried around her during this dilemma before because I didn't want her to have to deal with me. I wanted to just be supportive around her so I would cry alone but not anymore. I was really happy.

I'm going to make it clear that I just turned 15.

Anyways, she's going to a doctor to schedule the surgery soon so it's still not over. But in a sense, it is because even though surgery sucks she's going to be okay. I'm okay and she's going to be okay.

I'm very lucky.

So if you read all the way to the end of this thank you. I really do apologize for this. I'm going to be updating just not at a set date anymore. I'm still in school since I switched during the end of the year so I'm doing 'catch up.' I also have a lot of things going on at home like my grandmother who is temporarily living with us because our grandfather died. I really need to take care of my mom too because she still is having problems and the best thing she could do was lie down all day and let me take care of everything.

So what I'm saying is I'm really really sorry guys and I really do hope you understand and not think of me as a liar. It would cruel to make something like this up. I just wanted to clarify because sometimes author's want to give readers an excuse for why they didn't update but I swear it's true. I'm not saying that I didn't have time to write it, I did. It's still makes sense to blame me but I just hope you understand a little why I had trouble.

Thank you guys, love you,

Saricchi