If My Love Is Suicide (Nalu)

Chapter 38

I'm super sorry! I really am for the late update. So I am just going to get right to it!

Oh before I just want to say I used a beautiful webtoon I've been reading as a reference for this chapter partially. It's called #muted.

Alright, that's it. I'm really sorry. Here we go!

Lucy's P.O.V.

I don't know exactly how long I've been stuck here. A few days? A few weeks? It feels like months. 

It even makes me miss the attic. 

I never thought I'd actually miss that place. My place of solitude. My home. Mine. All the memories left in the attic are ugly. 

I'd rather be there.

I miss Natsu. I miss everyone. 

Not my dad. I don't miss my dad. I thought I would. 

I mean he's still my dad, right? But I guess this showed me that there isn't a bone in his body that feels anything but resentment when he looks at me. 

I just thought maybe... 

Still, I should think I have everyone right? I got Natsu. Everyone. 

But in actuality, I don't. 

I hurt Natsu and he probably hates me. Well, Natsu is a wonderful person incapable of hate but he has every right to. Everyone else has been ignoring me sense Lissana and my mother. They must hate me too.

 So I have nowhere to go. No home. Nobody. Noone. 

Nothing.

Nothing except these zip-ties, straining against my wrist. 

Or the drops of blood that run over the translucent plastic. 

Or the musty scent and blackness staining my eyes. 

Or the cold metal and stone beneath my body. 

Or the silence, except for the small comments made by Cana and maybe another when not under supervision.

Or the days of sweltering heat where I lay dripped in sweat in my arid cell,  dying of thirst.

 Or the nights of unbearable cold, numbing my body until I once again feel pain, shivering, the bitter cold chilling my body as the temperature seeps into every pour. 

Or my hunger, stomach knotting with pain. 

Or days of loneliness. 

Darkness.

I'd rather have nothing.

All my life I had been trying to float with the current. Be whoever someone wanted me to be. Pleasing everyone. A good kid. 

But I struggled. I wasn't like the others. I couldn't stay afloat. And so one day I woke up and realized my body wouldn't function anymore. No energy left to get up. No energy left to try. No energy left to care.

No energy left to speak.

And I thought after all this time I might have finally learned how to swim. But I hadn't. I was just pulled up only to be pushed down further. 

And now, I find myself at the bottom.

And my lungs are burning, filled up with water, as I stare up at the distorted figures of everyone on the surface swimming by, floating, until they begin to disappear. 

And my vision blurs. And I can't breathe. And I don't want to try anymore. 

I just want to disappear along with them.