Personal Assistant (Ryden)

Chapter thirty-three

It's been three days. Gabe, following Dallon's instruction, makes Ryan work nonstop with both jobs. He is on break, feeling tired and weak. He's had dreams about Brendon and so he has been staying awake, and Gabe has noticed. 

"Ryan, are you sure you wanna stay here?" Gabe asks. Ryan hears the doors open and sees the two girls once again. The blonde one got a haircut, it ends just below her shoulders. They go there everyday.

"I'm fine, I'm just a little tired," Ryan says quietly.

"Why don't you sleep?" 

"Look!" One of the girls say, pointing at the T.V.. Ryan's heart sinks when he sees Brendon on screen. Tears form in his eyes and he just stands there, frozen. He doesn't want to think of him but that's all he thinks about. 

"I know you worked with Brendon," Gabe says, and Ryan tenses. Ryan forces himself to look away from the audio clip it's playing. Ryan recorded it, he remembers it. Then he hears his voice, him asking the question. And Brendon's responding. And Ryan's asking. And no one realizes that it's him. That interview was recorded two days before they had sex.

Gabe stops, then frowns, then looks at Ryan. 

"Wait, that's you," Gabe says.

"Yeah, so?" 

"Ryan, there's obviously something you're not telling me and I know damn well that it's the exact reason why you've been so distant and sad."

"I'm not sad. I'm fine." Ryan says.

"Yeah, sure, and I'm the queen of England," Gabe says immediately and Ryan sighs quietly. 

"It doesn't matter anyway. I gotta get back to work," he tells Gabe quietly as Hollie shouts at him to take the girls' orders. He walks up to them and Gabe looks at him sadly. 

"What can I-"

"Shut up, we're watching him," the brunette says, and Ryan swallows, looking at Brendon again as memories flash in his mind.

"Oh, his smile," the blonde one says. Brendon holding him in bed, both of them smiling and laughing.

"I wonder what he smells like," the other says. His scent being the thing that helped him go to sleep all those times.

"He has such a good style. Like, his wardrobe is amazing." Brendon wearing nothing but an old t-shirt and sweatpants when the power went out, taking off his hoodie to give it to Ryan, and yet he still looked so good.

"I would die to kiss him." Brendon kissing him when he was about to leave to town.

"He looks like he would give good hugs." Brendon holding him when he nearly had a panic attack from not eating.

"His eyes are pretty. Like, brown eyes aren't really pretty, but his make him so hot." Ryan staring into his eyes when they were in bed, them talking about his glasses.

"His voice is so smooth and calming." Shh, baby, it's okay. I got you, you're okay now. He can't hurt you anymore, okay?

"I bet his hair is really soft." Ryan running his fingers through Brendon's hair as they kissed each other, just before he told him that he loved him.

"What can I get for you?" Ryan asks again, looking down before he starts crying. The girls say their order quickly so they can keep staring at the handsome man. 

"I want him to do all sorts of things to me," one girl says under her breath and Ryan remembers him knowing that Brendon fingering him was any girls personal fantasy. He's mad that he still relates to that statement. 

Ryan walks off once their orders are said and he swallows anxiously. It hurts more and more and he just can't handle it anymore. 

He gives the order to the cooks, and Gabe suddenly grabs his arm and pulls him back out. He's holding both of their stuff, and Hollie isn't yelling at them, which means that Gabe talked to her.

It's not until they reach Gabe's car does Ryan allow himself to cry. He gasps shakily, not realizing until now that he's been holding his breath. His phone rings. It's Dallon. He ignores it, looking back up. He tries to steady his shaky breathing, feeling weak and tired and broken and hurt. 

"What happened?" Gabe asks when they're almost to Ryan's apartment.

"I went there to be Sarah's makeup artist, but then things happened and they didn't need help with makeup anymore. At the same time, Brendon's personal assistant quit so Sarah volunteered me to do the job."

"But you hated him?"

"I know, that's what it made it hard."

"Oh, so you quit because you didn't like him? I guess that-"

"No, because for while hate was the opposite of what I felt." 

Gabe waits for him to go on, and Ryan soon realizes that, so he does. 

"You've heard me talk about Spencer, before, right?" 

"The guy you were friends with growing up?"

"Yeah, him. Well, he was there. Working there, and... we were catching up when it was late and we were by the fire, and then he left and Brendon sat down, and... it ended with him kissing me and it was nice and good and sweet, and then that's when all of it started. We got drunk a few days later and apparently made out pretty hard, then he'd kiss me every once in a while. Then we had sex, and he made me feel so many things that no one's ever made me feel, and throughout all that time I just felt good, I guess."

"Well, why'd you leave if it was so good?"

"I fell in love with him."

"Okay, again, why'd you leave?"

"I've never fallen in love before. I know it's sad, but it's true. But I told him that I was in love with him, and... he pushed me away. He said he doesn't love me and how it was a mistake, and he looked guilty when I was yelling at him and I keep wishing that it was... that it's mutual, but I know it's not and that hurts more than anything," Ryan explains. 

Gabe glances over sadly.

"Talk about him."

"What?" 

"Talk about him. It makes it hurt a lot less once you let it all out. I learned that after Megan cheated on me." 

And so Ryan does.

He goes on an on about how Brendon was a dick to him when they were working, then them seeming to be okay and every single cute thing that happened between them, especially how Brendon held him in bed. He doesn't stop talking, not even when Gabe parks in front of his apartment building. He keeps going on and on about Brendon, how much he loves him, how he hates himself for still being so in love even now. He hates wanting to kiss him again, be held by him again, touch him again, smile at him again, have intimate sex with him again.

"I hate that I'm in love with him still, that's obvious. That's easy to say, but what hurts the most, is that I miss him," Ryan says, and Gabe nods sadly. Ryan sniffs and clears his throat, because he's just been ranting and crying nonstop. He feels a little better now that it's off his chest but now all he's doing is thinking of Brendon. 

"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you tomorrow," Ryan mumbles quietly, grabbing his bag before getting out. Gabe drives off, sighing sadly. Ryan walks up the two flights of stairs until he reaches his room, tired eyes glossy with tears that have also accompanied his cheeks. He takes a deep breath of the cold Seattle air as he reaches for his key, sliding it into the door but realizing quickly that it's already been unlocked.

"Good job at messing up something so simple like locking your door, Ryan," he mutters to himself. He opens the door, tiredly kicks off his shoes while dropping his bag down to the ground, and shuts the door.

"Well, Ross," the voice makes him jump and his heart shatters all over again. Brendon smiles nervously. "I like your apartment."