Wattpad is bein a lil bench >:( I might have to continue these oneshots on AO3 for a while until I troubleshoot the problem on non-synced/unfinished finished chapters and duplicates.
Omg a 55th chapter special nobody asked for!
"Every day, a sadder face
New hiding place
Something to chase
A week has passed
My wounds won't heal
Remember when
The pain was real?"
"Even the smallest of scrapes have secret suicidal scars."
Best if read whilst listening to "Sentimentalities". Adds to the sadness.
TW: Self-harm.
~~~
I always disliked being myself. In fact, I was repulsed with the idea of myself. I did not know when it started, much less why or how. When I was naked, I prefered not to be. I always enjoyed feeling emptiness in my crop after I ate instead of gorging myself on much-needed food. Whenever I wanted to go to sleep, I wanted someone near me so that I could think of them rather then myself.
If I ever told any of them about this weakness, they'd chuck me in the bin faster then light.
So Error and Cross didn't know.
Dream sure as hell didn't.
They weren't supposed to know, at least.
.
.
.
Whenever I played on my violin, it always reminded me of the bittersweet memories that brought tears to my eyes. Now, even, I was fighting a battle with my emotions, but I gritted my teeth at the familiar feeling of wanting to cry. No, Nightmare, I told myself, crying makes you weak. Do. Not. Cry.
The thought of when me and Dream had been under the tree, humming a tune oh so familiar to what I was playing on the instrument now. The familiar feeling in my soul had gripped me with clawed hands, emotions tearing into my thoughts.
"We're brothers and best friends forever", Nightmare smiled at Dream. He mirrored the expression, nodding in agreement with what Nightmare stated.
I heard footsteps coming from downstairs, and quickly I wiped away the tears that had streamed down my face. I took a deep breath and forced my thoughts away before continuing on with my violin. It was just in time; Cross came into my room with Kevin.
"Nightmare, control your bird. He literally flew on top of the TV a second ago."
"Were you playing video games with Error just now?"
"Yeah, why?" Cross placed Kevin on my bed.
"I'm sorry to say but even Kevin has opinions, and he says you suck", I laughed when Cross looked at me annoyed. Cross stuck out his tongue which I returned before he walked out of the room.
The idea of how close the three of us became after Dream abandoned all hope of us for never being outlaws made me smile at myself. We had known each other well over the years of being on the run. Even when we were dirty, broke, starving and in danger, we still had each other, ups and downs. Still, the sickness inside me never changed.
So I started doing something I am not proud of.
I started hurting myself.
It... it started as just superficial nicks on my arms and ribcage, but as time went on, it wasn't enough for me to feel better. To disappear and not be me for once. I didn't want to get fucked up, I just wanted the pain to go away. I couldn't take it like a grown monster. I wasn't proud of it.
I hurt myself so much.
But I'd never let anyone see.
Nobody would ever know.
Sinking down onto the cold bathroom floor, I could feel myself disappear as all the emotions went away, trading them for physical hurt. It was amazing how easy it was to numb myself from the reality of both types of pain. I smiled to myself, my eyes starting to fizzle out.
No one would know.
No one would see the sickness underneath my happiness. Nobody would know the wounds I create on myself. Nobody would know my fears, my worries, nothing. I would never ask theirs, I would never tell mine.
I closed my eyes, every negative feeling going away. I felt sleepy, I knew I shouldn't sleep while wounded just in case Error or Cross might come home to find me a bloody mess. But it seemed... too good of an option to resist.
I jerked up when I heard a door close. "Nightmare, we're home!" I heard Cross shout. I took a deep breath, frantically shaking my head to clear myself of sleep. I was shirtless, a knife covered in marrow off to the side of the room and my ribcage, arms and parts of my spine cut and bleeding. "Alright!" I shouted, panicking still as to what I should do. I was thankful to myself that I had brought some casual clothes with me just in case I had gotten blood on these ones... I frowned at the memory. It was a close call.
It was one of those times that they almost found out my weakness.
I can't remember why I did it, but who am I kidding? I don't even remember how this entire thing started. At that time, it was one of the worst bouts of emotions. I had to get relief. It was too much. The stinging pain was fresher feeling, less dull. I could feel myself falling on my bedroom floor...
Someone had shook me awake, I could hear muffled shouting... "Nightmare, Nightmare?!" I could barely recognize the voice... it sounded staticy, as if the person was glitching out and panicking. I heard another voice as well but didn't make out any of the words. I could feel numb, tingling pain slowly ebb away from me as I heard less and less of the voice.
Then... warmth. Energy. The pain came back, I could breathe again, my senses heightening. As I opened my eyes, I could see whom was using healing magic on me. There was glitches and errors floating around him, glasses on his face, a cape with a lot of strings... Error!
When I tried to explain immediately, however, he shushed me, focusing on his work. Cross came back into the room, unknowing to me that he had left, with a damp rag. While Error focused on open wounds, Cross cleaned up my violet marrow.
It was only when Error was finished did I realize the predicament I was in. I was about to feel my friend's wrath.
I could remember the scowl on his face as he was crouched in front of me, shaking my shoulders as if to make sure I was awake and not dead. "What the fuck, Nightmare? What did you do!?"
"Huh?"
"We find you coated in blood and wounded, damn near dying on us and all you have to say is 'Huh'?! Why did this happen, Nightmare? How?!"
"It was an accident", I replied, my voice hoarse and I felt a bad taste in my mouth, gritty and bitter, the texture like dust. Error frowned at me, his eyes turning to slits and I couldn't help but cower at the aggression he displayed. I could sense it. He was pissed.
Cross noticed my demeanor, "Error, maybe it would be best if he recovered for a while. He can explain what happened afterwards, alright?"
Error looked at him, still angry but after closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, nodded. His anger had subsided somewhat and I silently thanked Cross. Later that day I told them a version of what happened... instead, of course, with it on accident that I was cut instead of telling them about my weakness.
They were still suspicious, but never brought it up again.
Now I had no idea what to do. Adrenaline rushed through me as I got up, the blood dripping out of me and falling to the floor. I swore lightly. I stripped off the rest of my clothes, feeling horribly exposed as I did so. Then it came to me.
The shower.
I pushed the curtains away and immediately turned on the water. At that point, I didn't care if it was Arctic Circle freezing or magma core hot, getting into the shower without a second thought. The water froze my very core, the cuts and stabs I made on myself stinging. The pain felt amazing, my emotions further going away as my marrow washed away and went down the drain.
They would never know.
Or so I thought.
