black & white

nothing

"where were you last night, jane? we all went to five points for pizza and we waited for you, but you never showed up." my co-workers had invited me to have dinner with them in east nashville, but I was busy doing other things.

"I was doing laundry," I lied.

I'd slept with jack that night and for some reason I felt like it was written all over me. mostly because I was an awful liar.
"you spent your night doing laundry?" one of the girls asked.
"yeah, I got kind of behind. I was down to one clean uniform, so it needed to be done. took hours."

the phone rang and I quickly answered it to busy myself. I could feel them staring at me, but I didn't look up.

the previous night.

he was making love to me in his bed. I was elated and terrified at the same time. he was the last person I'd expected to lose my virginity to, and the mixture of anxiety and released sexual tension had been enough to put me into cardiac arrest.

"bring your legs up like this, babygirl."
"is this okay?" I whimpered.
"perfect."

nothing had ever felt as good as his weight pressing me into the mattress, my legs wrapped around his waist. he ran his hands down my thighs and placed them beneath me, supporting my lower back.

I decided to let loose a little bit. I ran my hands through his thick black hair, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him.

"jack..."
"are you okay?"
"yeah."

it was storming outside. lightning struck and the whole room lit up, and a booming crash of thunder followed. the power went out and I shrieked, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
"hey, it's okay. you're safe."

he rolled off of me and got out of bed, pulling his pants on and lighting some candles so we could see.
"are you feeling alright?" he asked, lying back down beside me and resting his hand on my hip.
"yeah. I'm great," I said; he had been so gentle and loving with me. I covered myself with the blanket, not bothering to put my clothes back on.

the thunder crashed again and I yelped. "I hate storms."
"you're safe with me, baby. everything's okay." he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, and I started thinking. I was suddenly feeling an immense amount of guilt now that I'd come back to reality.

"jack?"
"yes, jane?"
I hesitated. "nothing, never mind."
"no, what is it?"

"nothing."

♤

it was another late night in the studio.

once again, jack and I were the last ones there. I was feeling uneasy.
"are you doing okay?" he asked, kissing my forehead.
"yeah," I said, and I thought for a moment. "jack?"
"yeah?"
"is all of this not at least a little bit strange to you?"

"conventionally, sure. but that doesn't matter, I just know that I love you."
"please don't say that," I said, gathering my things and putting my coat on.
"why not?"
"just don't."

"are you leaving?" he asked.
"yeah. I need to think some things over."
"you regret last night, don't you?"
he crossed his arms and waited for an answer.

"I don't want to answer that."
"can I call you later?"
"you can, but that doesn't mean I'll answer."
"hey, come on. what's the matter?"
"this isn't right, jack. I'm too young for this. and if it gets out it's not going to be good for either one of us, especially you. let's just stop this now before it gets out of hand."

"jane, I know the age gap is an issue. but I care about you and I want to be with you. and even if it does get out, I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I love you."
I felt like I was going to cry. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "I'm going home. goodnight, jack."