black & white

accident

"I need help."

I was confused and disoriented.

"baby, relax. come here," jack said, holding out his arms for me. I was hesitant. I couldn't remember where I was or what I was doing there.
"whose house is this?" I asked.
"it's mine, baby."
"shouldn't I be working? where's my uniform?"
"you're not working right now, sweetheart. we're going to have a baby soon."

I was feeling overwhelmed.
"why can't I remember anything?" I was on the verge of tears; I was completely lost. "jack, please help me."
he gave me a sad look. "I think you just need to go to bed and rest. come on."

"I'm really scared."
"I know you are. just relax. don't think too hard about things or you'll overwhelm yourself even more." he helped me into bed and kissed me.
"please don't let me forget anything else," I cried.
"I won't. what's my full name?"
"john anthony gillis. white. right?"
"right. where did we meet?"
"oh, no," I muttered, starting to sob again.

"shh, everything's okay. where'd you used to work, baby?"
"third man records. is that where we met?"
"yes," he smiled. "you're going to be okay, jane. I promise."

♤

a couple of weeks passed. my concussion eased up, but that wasn't the end of all my troubles.

"is that okay, babygirl?"
my back had started to ache more and more as the baby grew and I was often in pain, and jack was giving me a massage. he was so loving and caring.

"yes, that's perfect," I shrugged. the pregnancy had been hard on me; I'd had a number of complications and I was only five months in. I was anemic, underweight, and my morning sickness had persisted. it was just barely noticeable that I was pregnant, and I was afraid.

"jack, I'm dying," I muttered, not thinking about my words.
"don't say that, jane," he said, pulling the blanket over me.
"well, I'm definitely not okay. I'm scared I'm going to lose our baby."

"that's not going to happen. just relax." I think that he was scared too. he was trying to be strong for me, but he knew that I wasn't doing well.

we were supposed to go in to find out the gender of our baby the next day. I was reluctant. I didn't want to get attached to it because I knew how easily it could slip through my fingers.

♤

the doctor wouldn't stop commenting on how frail I was. I laid helplessly on the table while the checkup and ultrasound were done.

the baby was a girl.

jack cried. he hugged me and told me he loved me. I just laid there, listening to the baby's heartbeat through the monitor. she was smaller than she needed to be, but she was hanging on. and as much as I didn't want to get attached to her because of the circumstances, I was. I loved her.

jack took me back home and I went to sleep. when I wasn't asleep, I thought about the baby. I still had this imminent fear that I was going to lose her, and I couldn't shake it.

I woke up to find jack beside me. he was asleep with his face buried in a pillow, his hand holding mine.

he'd let his hair grow out, and it had gotten curly; I had hoped that our baby would have curly hair like his. I reached out and ran my fingers through it, and he woke up and turned over.
"hey baby," he said, barely awake.
"hey," I whispered, kissing him.

♤

"what's happened with jane? it's like she just dropped off the face of the earth," ben asked. jack hadn't wanted to go to third man records and leave me at home, but some things were happening that he needed to be present for.

"she's just really sick, ben. she got to the point where she couldn't work anymore so she asked me to pass along the message," jack shrugged.
ben felt that something was off. "is she pregnant, jack?"

"what gave you that impression?"
"I don't know. just a hunch. the fact that she just randomly got sick and stopped coming to work and you haven't been around much."

jack caved. "alright. jane's pregnant. she isn't in good shape, ben."
"what were you thinking, jack? that girl had goals and plans-"
"it was an accident. I carry a tremendous amount of guilt around with me every day because of it, ben. she has been in so much pain for so long. she keeps saying that she wants this but I feel like I've ruined her life."

ben gave jack a sad look and left the room to give him some privacy, and jack buried his face in his hands.